Exciting Things!

Anyone that knows me, knows that travelling is one of, if not my greatest passion in life. If I had the option, my career would be a travel writer, alas, it isn't that exactly easy hence my choice of Law. Anyway, let's not get sidetracked, despite my dreams of travelling the entire world, I have a particular affinity for Europe. I've never been and I hope to change that soon, and it seems the opportunities are now limitless with the recent visa waiver that's occurred.

I live in Trinidad, which is pretty much a dot on the map, people would often choose our sister isle of Tobago to vacation over us (honestly, I can't blame them, it's a lot more tourist friendly over there, S/O to the lovely Tobagonians!) Moving along, normally for travel to Europe we are required to get a Schengen visa but now with this lovely visa waiver, we have free access to 26 countries (for short stays of up to 90 days, which is more than enough for me), all of which I am yearning to visit.

GUYS, I am so excited!

Just this small development was enough to send me over the moon, planning crazy adventures in my head all over Europe, some solo, some with friends, making new friends, meeting new people, experiences new places and cultures EEEEEPP!!!!  Much excite ^_^

Now this seems like an open door to me because I have to finish my Law degree in England, there's the options of going to London (which is my obvious first choice), Manchester, Staffordshire, and I believe Birmingham. Providing I pass all 4 of my exams that I wrote this semester (prettypleasewithlotsofcherriesontop), I have 5 next year, and then...England bound! For 9 months. I have no idea what the workload will be like but I really hope I visit a few different places whilst I'm there.

Visiting the Theatre of Dreams, Tuscan Nights, Weekend sailing on the French Rivera, A Parisian Rendez-Vous, Watching El Clasico live at Estadio Santiago Bernabeu or Camp Nou, Gondola Rides down the Venetian Canals, Shopping in Milan, Hanging out at the Colosseum, basking in the sheer perfection of the Greek Islands and the Amalfi Coast...Yeah. This needs to happen for me.

*mental preparation for my European Tour* Thenx for the inspo boost Visa Waiver *insert dancing salsa lady emoji*

xoxo, Shantilly.

Ahoy Matey!

I AM ALIVE!

Finally, the dreaded exam period is over...just when I thought the torture wouldn't end. My life during the majority of the month of May was literally, eat, sleep, law, repeat, wait! what is sleep though? Yeah, believe me, I wasn't sure I'd live to know. After packing away all my work material for this first year I couldn't help but marvel at how I even managed to cover all that work...well the majority of it anyway. However, it's always a learning experience because now I know that I need to start studying way more beforehand than I did this time around. I really can't afford to let my other life issues get in the way like I did this time.

Anyway, now that these exams are over, summer is here! I'm not even enthused to be honest. I literally have no plans until July when I'll be going to Las Vegas for two weeks with my cousin. I want to get a temporary job but trying to get a summer job in Trinidad is way harder than anywhere else apparently, especially considering that this place is so damn small and there is little to no job opportunities for the summer in specified fields. I preferred to get something in the legal or media/communications fields because they're both things I'm passionate about. Maybe that's the thing with me, I don't really see the point in putting a lot of dedication into something I don't see myself pursuing in the long run, or taking away anything valuable from it. I guess that could be classed as a downfall for me because you never really know until you try. So I've sent out a lot of applications and resumes hoping for something to pop up, but until then, I have lots of posts planned for my blogs, both here and on my livejournal, over on LJ however, it's a way more "personal" blog I suppose, it's usually the place I go when I need to be totally raw and open. I stopped using it for a long while when LJ kind of lost it's hype, but I realized it's the perfect place for free expression because not a lot of people would go there to find it. 

I'm currently working on cleaning my room which is an utter disaster as it usually is when exams roll around. I literally cannot stand mess but somehow it happens when I have little to no time for anything else but my work (and procrastinating *shame face*). I've been obsessing over my pinterest for the past while, it picked up considerable during exams as per usual, Queen Procrastinator here. Anyway, I have a ton of posts to write up, already sorted in my head so hopefully I can get this blog going a bit more than it has been, well, since I've created it, and not boring everyone with my angsty teenage/young adult drama. Wish me luck!

xoxo, Shantilly.

I don't know about you but, I'm feeling 22

I wish I could say that's a good feeling, I guess I can, but it wouldn't be true. Anyway, I made it another 12 months, a year older, 22. Accomplished a few things since 21, still nowhere close to where I thought I'd be at this point but if it's one thing you learn as you go is that, you can't plan life or put a timer on it. I think doing that has left me pretty disillusioned with a lot of things.

This month was probably, actually no, it was definitely one of the worst of my life thus far. Birthday week did me no favours either but, somehow, life goes on. I'm currently in a frenzy because I'm now realizing just how close exams are (they start next Tuesday), yeah, how did that happen? Just the other day we were in September. FML.

I'm currently sitting in my kitchen, which I do a lot when I study late at night because it's more peaceful here somehow (and there's food, DUH, s/o to my fridge)...anyway, I don't live that far from the airport and airplanes pass over/close to my house quite often, hence, I know when every single flight is arriving or departing, and I find it the most comforting thing ever. At this very moment in time, I just wish I could be on one of those flights out of this place, that's all. I don't care where I'm going, where I'll stay, nothing, I just want to get out of here. I feel suffocated and claustrophobic with the current state of my life, like I have no where to turn and all the walls are closing in, the clock is ticking away and time is running out, and I'm accomplishing nothing worthwhile.

I know I have the potential to succeed and I really hope this year can bring forth some of that because God knows I'm trying, I'm trying so fucking hard. My life is in more shambles than it was last year around this same time, I don't even know how it happened, okay no, fuck that, I know exactly how it happened but whatever, I can't go back and undo anything, all I have is the present and the future and to shape that differently.

So here's to 22, another year older, and hopefully a tad bit wiser.

I Have Lost the Ability to Can

Where do I even start?

*deep breath*

Not even four months in properly and it's a total disaster. Okay, maybe that's a vast exaggeration, it's just a bit of a disaster. A disaster that I sort of walked straight into if I'm honest. I told myself I wasn't going to let all my walls down, but he made it too easy, and I guess that's something I've always craved, someone to understand me. He was literally everything I could possibly want, except...he was never mine. I never thought I'd end up in this position, but all my willpower and self-control seems to go straight out the window when it comes to him. Sometimes I wonder, am I really so desperate for love that I settle for so much less than I deserve? I mean, it is a valid question. I'm not the person that just jumps into anything, nor am I the one to abandon all the things I stand for, yet I somehow bent all the rules for him...I guess that should've been the first red flag. Needless to say, it came to a disastrous end, for me. Some men will be anything you want them to be to get what they want, and some of them just want it all. Lesson learnt.

I really fell hard, I didn't even realize it until it was too late for me, and even still, after seeing him for who he is, I still can't think of him as a bad person. He isn't, I mean, he's not the best, but he isn't terrible. He may have been quite inconsiderate and selfish when it came to dealing with this particular situation but I truly wish him all the best. I've always been a fighter and that hasn't changed, however, I refuse to fight for something that isn't mine. Of course I want him, of course I wanted us, but it was clearly not meant to be, because if he felt the same, he would've given his decisions some more thought. There will always be the down and out moments, but I've finally come to accept that I am more than enough, he just chose to not see it, and that does not define me. I'm extremely glad to have met him and gotten to know him, it was a definite learning experience. He showed me things about myself that I didn't even realize...he made me realize my worth, even if he didn't appreciate it. So I am forever grateful to him for that, and for all the happiness he has given me within this short time. It rekindled some hope in me that I thought was lost a long time ago. Sometimes you just need an eye-opener I guess.

Now, school...I..don't...even.

Yeah, I really don't. Exams are now in less than a month, and I don't even know where to begin, here's to praying for a miracle. I literally just want to pass. I am not emotionally in the right place to even aim for higher than a pass. I just want to pass. Yeah, that may seem like giving up or underachieving but...what y'all know about my struggle??? Nothing, nada, zip, zilch, zero. So yeah, believe me when I say wanting to pass is actually OVERACHIEVING at this point. My god, I really don't know how I let this happen, oh wait, look at me writing a blog post when I should be studying! FML. Well done, Shan, well done.

Also...it's birthday month, you know what that means, TOTAL and complete meltdown. Everything that could possibly go wrong, goes wrong in April, I don't even know why but this ALWAYS happens. And as the weeks go by and the 29th draws near, I have no doubt that I'll be having an existential crisis about turning 22. Woe is my life.

Is it weird that I feel OK? I mean, that's what it is right, being okay. I'm not good or great but I am okay, after crying my life out and nearly having a breakdown for days in succession, I feel okay now. Not sure how long this feeling is going to last but I hope it endures throughout my demon exams because I really didn't need all of this right now yet it happened. They say everything happens for a reason...WHAT IS THE REASON? Jeez, give me a fucking break yea? They also say God doesn't give you more than you can handle, I guess God thinks I'm a badass (which I am *shrug*). I think I'm just running off the high that I have survived worse and I will survive this, and it'll make me a better, stronger person, all that cliche bullshit, but hey, if it works who am I to knock it? Exactly.

Till next time...which may be very soon cause you know, I'm always more active when I should be studying...-_-"

xoxo, Shantilly.

There Goes Another One

Where do I begin?

This year was supposed to be my year of growth, that was the only resolution I had for myself. I've long given up on making large lists of New Year's Resolutions, they more than likely never happen anyway and I just end up feeling like a failure, so to avoid such things I've decided to stop. Anyway, the one thing I wrote down as a goal for 2014 was simply, GROWTH. The goal for 2013 was happiness and believe me, that did not happen, 2013 was the exact opposite, however that doesn't mean my pursuit of happiness is over.

2014 ultimately has been a struggle, not as much as 2013 but it was a struggle to try and put my life back together after the disaster of the previous year, along with many setbacks I think I can safely say, I made some progress. Both happiness and growth aren't resolutions per say, they're a part of everyday life and I've always known that (it just felt solid to have a word for the year I suppose), therefore, they're both things I strive for every day, not just for the years I've labelled them on. 2014 has brought me some pretty great things and lessons which is what life is all about, no? 

So here's a list of things that 2014 has brought me: 

1. The thing I'm most proud of right now, my first degree, BA Literatures in English with History (I graduated in October).

2. Starting Law School, proof that there's always another chance at a new beginning.

3. A hell of a lot of anxiety.

4. Seeking help isn't weakness, it's a form of strength to know when you need help and to get it.

5. Making new friends, something I've always had trouble with but progress was made. 

6. Saying goodbye to my best friend and basically struggling to keep our friendship alive. 

7. Realizing that I am emotionally damaged to a certain point because I struggle to let people in. Trust issues.

8. Meeting a new person and not giving my all to them, which is actually a good thing, it prevents a lot of hurt. Lesson learnt, I just need to find some middle ground between being totally closed off or too open.

9. Always have your guard up, it isn't always a good thing because, see number 7, but it's important to keep yourself stable. 

10. I am A LOT stronger than I ever thought I could've been. 

11. There will always be setbacks but you can achieve great things. 

12. I have to be successful because I like expensive shit.

13. I have to try to find a balance between being a good person and not being a pushover.

14. Motivation is the key to success, focus on the prize, work towards it and ye shall reap the rewards.

15. Last but not least, this is really not the list I had in mind, my brain is all over but above all, believe in yourself. Positivity is all that's needed sometimes. 

My word for the upcoming year, well the goal, coupled with Happiness and Growth : BALANCE.

I hope 2015 brings lots of good things, have a good one! Cheers!

xoxo, Shantilly

Over and Underwhelmed

It's been almost two months since school has restarted for me and I feel like I'm drowning. I knew what I was getting into when I decided to pursue this career path but, I didn't expect this feeling. The feeling of nothingness. It's like I can only think of how much there is to do, yet I can't do it. I can barely sleep at night without sleeping pills, I can't focus and I'm terribly lacking in the motivation department. I know I want to do this to a certain point but right now I'm feeling like I chose the wrong time to do it because my mind just isn't focused on it. I've been swamped with life for the longest while, maybe I just needed a vacation away from it. There hasn't been a day since school started that I didn't feel ill. I'm so stressed out and drained, ALL.THE.TIME. And the worst part is, it's from doing basically nothing.

I saw this as a new beginning for me but I'm struggling to grasp anything and it's seriously disheartening. I'm doing it partly because I want to, I think, or maybe it's just to prove that I can, partly to make my parents happy (which I know is probably the fastest route to my own unhappiness), partly because well, I need a job and being a writer, especially in this country is a dog eat dog profession. I actually thought I could get some freelancing gigs in the local newspapers or one of our local magazine productions (like I did 2 summers ago with Filtered, see "Life as an Intern" post) but NOBODY wants to even respond to an email. Yeah, it's that bad.

They want us to go to University and learn and get degrees, then they want work experience to even write a single piece for the bloody local newspapers. How are we supposed to get work experience when we can't even get jobs? Especially if we don't know a certain someone. In Trinidad, it's all about WHO you know, not WHAT you know, and that is one of the most depressing things ever. I know the situation around the world is similar, but in countries much bigger than mine (which is only a dot on the map), it seems much easier to get at least a chance at something. I've emailed nearly every single person I could email about getting at least a try at writing for them and half of them never responded and the other half were blatant "no's" covered up by fancy words.

I'm overwhelmed by the work I have cut out for me but I'm also intensely underwhelmed by just about everything else in life, including this degree I'm currently pursuing. I know it's not the correct mindset, and yes I'm aware of my very pessimistic nature, but nothing seems to be changing, everything's just getting worse. Killing yourself out for what? A job that probably isn't even going to make you happy in the future, save for the bragging rights that are associated with being an "attorney-at-law." I don't think I could be much happier than if I got a job that requires me to travel and write. That's pretty much all I wanted out of this life, guess it's quite a lot to ask for.

Fight Club got it right...

Woe is my life.

xoxo, Shantilly.

Oui Oui, Paree! Paris Fashion Week!

Forgive me for the wait, it's been a long, hectic past two weeks, I'm literally writing this post from my couch because I'm sick, contracted some weird stomach bug and it sucks. I never thought I'd WANT to go to school until now. Yes, I'm missing school, mainly due to the fear of falling behind. Rule Number One of Law School: Don't ever fall behind. It will kick you in the ass.

On to the post, admittedly this might not be one of the best even though I absolutely adore Paris Fashion Week, it's my favourite of them all. I feel like I didn't get what I wanted out of it, everything was too rushed and I have so much work piling up, I really need to manage my time better. Doing a Literature degree is VERY different from doing a Law degree, Law requires much more of your time to get proper grades, or even to just pass. Of course I took a quick look through of all my favourites (Elie Saab, Givenchy, Balmain, Saint Laurent) and they unsurprisingly did not disappoint, thankfully. So here are my picks from Paris Fashion Week S/S 2015.

BALMAIN

Let's start with my number one favourite fashion house since I got into fashion probably about 7 years ago. Yes, my love affair with Balmain is a longstanding one, even more so now with the incredibly talented Olivier Rousteing at its helm. His work completely blows me away and I'm always in awe of how young he is. Of course, being the person I am, I'm not afraid to criticize, it's part of life, Balmain has always been so high fashion to me until recently seeing the Kardashians dragging it all around is literally painful. Stop, please, I beg of you. Anyway...the gorgeousness:

Definitely my favourite piece of the collection.

ELIE SAAB

Who doesn't like Elie Saab? Seriously? I have yet to meet someone that doesn't. I don't think it needs to be explained why this is so, everything this man creates is perfection. Every single thing. This collection looked like paradise with gorgeous prints and Saab's signature flowy gowns and beautifully structured suits. Did I mention that I love when designers use black in their Spring/Summer collections? (favourite colour alert) especially when they're able to actually pull it off. It was so hard to pick favourites to post on here but I did anyway.

GIVENCHY

Unfortunately, another amazing fashion house hit by the Kardashian disease, at least Kim's wedding dress looked good, not sure about the floral Met Ball disaster, I knew it was downhill from there. Nevertheless, Ricardo Tisci is an amazingly talented man and thus, I still love Givenchy and most things he creates. If I could've uploaded this entire collection here I would've, leather and lace are two of my favourite things in the world and Givenchy just does it so so well. Oh, and, All Black Errythang.

CHLOE

Chloe is one house that over the years I've come to rely on for not straying from their aesthetic, normally this would bore me but they're too damn good at this. Bohemian chic at its best, I especially like the utility looks in between the whimsical ones, let the good times roll.

HAIDER ACKERMANN

Another one of my classic loves. It's hard to hate much about any of Haider Ackermann's collections, I love love loveeeee the structure and drapery of the clothes, also the colour palettes. I would pretty much wear everything in this collection as well. 

This suit gives me life.

ALEXIS MABILLE

Clean, fresh, simple, spring. Adore. 

SAINT LAURENT PARIS

I love Saint Laurent but I much prefer their F/W collections, this one didn't quite do it for me. It was a bit tacky. These were pretty much the only looks that I liked. 

I may add more to this when I actually get time to look through every show in PFW.

xoxo, Shantilly.