Welcome 2017!

(This post is so late because I was out of the country [see previous post] and because as soon as I came back I got the flu and super busy with school and new projects)

So 2016 went by preeetty quickly (thankfully). It wasn't that great of a year for the human race as a whole, and once you surf the internet you'd have seen the countless memes about *gasp* the horror of 2016! I can't say they're all wrong or overreacting because I know some folks have had quite a terrible year (my sympathies). However, with some generous reflection on my part, I've come to realize that 2016 was such a necessary year for me personally. It was rough, I don't think any part of it was easy, but it forced me to grow up so much, and for that I'm extremely grateful.

2016 has been a year plagued by constant health issues, personal failures, not one but TWO car accidents, constant drawbacks, and many many breakdowns. But somehow, I've managed to find the silver lining, and not because I was looking for it but because it is what it is. Believe me that's an accomplishment in itself for me as an anxiety and depression sufferer. I was quite shocked with how positive I ended up seeing 2016, but also extremely happy.

So for me 2016 has taught me some of the most valuable lessons in the shortest period of time. You know some people have had a bad year? Well I've had a bad COUPLE of years...no joke. I always made 'goals' instead of resolutions for the past couple of years and well they never came to pass either way so for 2017, I have none. There are numerous personal goals which I have in mind but they're all works in progress and I'll keep those to myself for now. Back to my lessons learnt in 2016:

- You are so much stronger than you think. Physically and mentally.
- You can achieve anything you set your mind to.
- Hard work pays off.
- If you don't try, you'll never know.
- The Gym is a little slice of paradise. (harsh, painful paradise, but with amazing rewards)
- Not everyone is your friend, not everyone deserves your friendship.
- Even the people you consider the most can turn their backs on you.
- It's actually quite peaceful to be alone (especially if you're an introvert like me with so much going on in her head all the time)
- You are better off without people who feel like they can come in and out of your life whenever they want.
- You don't owe the people who have hurt you anything at all, not even a response. 
- Let it go, let it gooooo...all the pent up frustration, built up anger, and poisonous thoughts, they are more toxic than you think.
- No one can harm you once you believe in God and yourself. (that's not saying the people who don't believe in God will be harmed, I'm only speaking for myself with that one because I struggle so much with religion that grasping at it and holding on is a big feat for me).
- Your focus is so important that you can't waste it on irrelevant things or people.
- You are destined for greatness, and you will survive long enough to achieve it.

I feel like it's just done so much for me as a person that I can't say that it was awful. I welcomed 2017 with a much more peaceful and level headed frame of mind than I ever have before and I look forward to all this year has to bring. Best wishes everyone! <3 p="">
xoxo, Shantilly.

To The One In My Thoughts Who Doesn't Deserve To Be There

I don’t know if you’ll ever see this but I need to get this off my chest. It’s been one hell of a year since I’ve known you, and you and I slipped into that pattern of destruction. It was bliss when it first began but within a few short months it was a downward spiral and I can’t remember much before that. The bad always outweighs the good – especially when you don’t know if the “good” was ever real. I will never understand why any of this had to happen. I was good to you, wasn’t I? That’s what I keep asking myself over and over when I wonder why this had to happen. Maybe at 21 I shouldn’t have been so naïve, but I believed you when you said you and her were over and you promised me that you weren’t going to go back. I believed you, because for me, things like promises are meant to be kept. I know better now. Not everyone thinks the way I do, that was my mistake. I never wanted to hurt her that’s why I told you I wouldn’t go out with you unless you were 100% sure that you weren’t going to go back, and it was completely over. Writing and reading all of this now makes me realize how incredibly predictable the situation really was, but I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, you know? I didn’t want to be one of those people that only saw the bad in people, because thinking like that is just carrying around negativity and you’ll probably miss out on a lot of great people. I always think that there’s some good even in some of the worst people but I should have seen the signs, I should’ve known that some people are everything they show you on the surface and not much more beyond that. 

Everything had to be a secret. Why? You said it was because you didn’t want to hurt her, because you both had now broken up and she would be extremely hurt to know you were seeing someone else, and again, I believed you. I went along with it, I let myself be a secret. You made me shine so bright, brighter than I had in a long while, but I didn’t even realize your darkness was casting a shadow over that light the entire time just waiting to extinguish it. It was all tainted. Tainted by your sweet little lies, lies that made me feel like I was on top of the world, like I was everything. You were everything I wanted in someone; you made me feel safe, loved, cherished, happy again, like I could do anything. You put me on top of the world and then knocked me right back off, lower than I’d ever been. You showed me the way a guy should treat me when we went out, thank you for that, I only wish it was genuine. You fight me down every single time we speak, saying it was real and I’ll believe what I want anyway, and you know what? I will. I will because I should have back then, I should have seen the red flags and heeded them. You kept it all a secret and made me do it too, and I’m still fucking doing it. I’m keeping a secret that I shouldn’t have to keep! You went back to her like I was nothing, like if everything that happened between us didn’t exist. She asked about me and you lied from the start. Why would you have to lie to her about who I was to you if you weren’t together? We did nothing wrong if that was the case. You were single and you were seeing someone else, what was the need to lie? You made me a villain without my permission. You turned my fairytale into a nightmare to protect yourself from your own misdeeds.

How could you be so cruel? What wrong did I do to deserve that? To have to live with that? To add insult to injury, you didn’t stop there, you continued to contact me even after getting back with her. Now this is where I went wrong, I know that, I should’ve never taken your calls, I should’ve just cut you off clean. With anyone else I would’ve, but there’s just something about you that got under my skin. It’s nice to feel like someone cares you know, even if it isn’t real. It’s nice to have someone to talk to, someone who understands, or at least pretends to. You try so much to convince me that it was real, that you were genuine with caring about me and understanding me, but how can I believe that? After the hand you dealt me? After promising me that it was over, and then turning the other cheek and going back to her, you decided to propose to her. No problem. This wasn’t any of my concern anymore, but why did you keep trying to call me? We hadn’t spoken in months and I was doing fine, then I accepted a few calls and I realized that nothing had changed, engaged or not, you’re just selfish, you want it all. You want her and you want me. You can’t have everything you want. I realize that you’re accustomed to getting your way, and maybe that’s why you can’t accept that you didn’t with me. I don’t know, I’ll never know. 

Now you’re engaged to be married and I thought that this year would be a new start but of course you can’t let me live in peace so you decided to come at me with this bogus offer of friendship. After much talking I’ve come to realize, with little surprise, that it wasn’t even because you wanted to be my friend for me, no, it was for you, like it always is, it’s all about you. You claim you can’t stand the guilt, and you fix everything and you can fix this if I just let you. You cannot. Not because I don’t want you to, believe me friend if anyone could come and fix this for me right now I’d let them do it, no questions asked. But this can’t be fixed, not in the conventional sense at least. Can you undo everything? Can you magically erase all the emotional turmoil and heartache I’ve felt? No amount of money or material things can “fix” this. Also, how were you going to tell her that you’re suddenly friends with this girl you claim to not have anything to do with anymore? This girl whom you said meant nothing to you and you only spoke to via messages? With more LIES, that’s how, because that seems to be the only thing you’re good at, LYING. Congratulations though, your lies got you what you wanted. You got off without a scratch, whilst I’m here trying to piece my life back together and after begging you numerous times to leave me alone, you couldn’t even do that for me. You had to weasel your way back in and fuck me up again. I can’t understand why I even feel for you, you’re not worth all this trouble, but here I am. Unable to sleep, or function like a normal human being, spiralling away into a pit of despair, guilt, anxiety and depression ridden, wondering where I went wrong. Wondering how something as simple as loving someone could’ve caused me So. Much. Pain.

I’ve made mistakes, which I can admit. I should’ve cut you off clean the moment you went back to her, but I hoped that we could’ve been friends again at that point, now, once again, I know better. We cannot be friends, you are a manipulative bastard. You only bring negativity to my life and you cannot do right by me, and as far as I can see, you can’t do right by anyone unless you decide to change your entire life. I still believe that you are capable of being a good man, I’ve seen it first hand, you just have to be that man without an agenda or an ulterior motive, be him genuinely. You truly are a remarkable human being, if you just stop playing these games, I guess the same could be said about a lot of men, but I don’t know them. I’ve gotten to know you though, well as much as you’d let me know. Maybe that’s why I love you so much, because I know the man you can be.

My feelings for you weren’t fake or temporary based on certain things, I promise you that they were real, and you took advantage of them. You managed to quite literally ruin my life in less than a year, maybe if I was stronger I wouldn’t have caved so easily, so I guess that’s also my fault but I didn’t deserve what you did to me. I didn’t. I know everyone these days thinks they deserve the world and more, I’m not so sure about that. I may not be the greatest person in the world, no one’s perfect, but I know for a fact that I didn’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve to have to feel like this, to feel like I don’t know who I am anymore, to feel like I’m lost, empty, vacant, and drowning. I didn’t deserve to feel like I’m unlovable and incapable of loving anyone else, directionless, like no matter how hard I try to pull myself out of this I won’t be able to, like it’s never going to get better. I’ve come to the point where I don’t know if I can see the good in everyone again, I’ll try to though because that’s who I knew myself to be, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust another man and anything he says, knowing how easy it is for people to lie to get what they want, I have to though, because how else will I move on, and live, and grow? You always tell me, “You’ll be fine kid,” and I believed you back then, now, not so much. I don’t even know what fine looks or feels like. I didn’t deserve to feel so angry, so betrayed, and so much hate. Hate is such a powerful word and I don’t use it that often anymore but it’s the only one I can use to describe this feeling. I hate you, I hate her, and most of all, I hate myself. I didn’t deserve any of this. 

Talking to you came so easily, I’ve told you things I wasn’t able to tell anyone else, I opened up to you in a way that shocked even me. You said that it was the same for you and you hope I don’t betray that trust, unlike you, I won’t, you can trust me. I think you know me well enough now to know that I feel things very deeply, I may not show it on the surface very often (s/o to my resting bitch face and social awkwardness for that) but I feel it all and keep it bottled up inside. You were the first person I let in so much, and you ruined me, and I’m not sure where to go from here, all I know is that I can’t have you in my life, having you here is to my own detriment. I can’t do that to myself anymore. How can I watch the man I love, love someone else? How can I watch the man I wanted to marry, marry someone else? How can you ask that of me? You don’t know the depth of the damage you did to me, but I hope this gave you some insight. It’s not because I don’t want you in my life that I refuse to have you, it’s because I can’t have you in my life, it’s not healthy. You’re not good for me. Our chapter is over, no matter how hard it will be to accept and move on, I have to. You already have your life mapped out for you, you’re set, your future is solid. I lost myself with you, and I lost you as well in the end.

I have to find the strength to find my way back now.

2 a.m. thoughts by S. R. R.

The Human Condition

"I see humans but no humanity."

That's a phrase I've come to identify with way too often in my short lifetime. It makes me feel sick to my stomach when I think about the things that make me identify with it. Humans, human cruelty, there's none quite like it. I think about the wars, the suffering people all over the world, the unspeakable cruelty some are subjected to at the hands of others, the depraved and wounded, and I feel for them, all of them. 

I've come to realize quite early on that I feel things quite deeply compared to other people, things that aren't even remotely related to me, I find that connection and I relate to it and feel it like if it were me or someone I knew and loved. That's the mark of the creative people isn't it? More like a curse, but it is what propels us to write, paint, draw, sculpt, cook, sew, design, CREATE. 

"Perhaps it's good for one to suffer. Can an artist do anything if he's happy? Would he ever want to do anything? What is art, after all, but a protest against the horrible inclemency of life?" -Aldous Huxley

I was randomly scrolling through the books I had on my kindle a couple days ago and I just picked one to read, no synopsis or anything was read beforehand. "Revolution" by Jennifer Donnelly, I was blown away. I can't even put into words how I felt at some points during this book. The fact that even 200 years ago people were still this cruel and they haven't changed a bit. The book covers the relationship between a girl in modern day Brooklyn and another girl in revolutionary France, Paris to be exact. Paris is one of the my favourite cities in the world. It is the absolute dream for me and yes I see it as it is now in our present time, cloaked in the glitz and glamour of the opulence, and high end fashion so expensive and ostentatious that just hearing the prices is enough to make you cry. The place where the literary greats like Hemingway and Fitzgerald found inspiration, La Belle Époque. 

The Paris in this novel however was much different and I'm glad, I'm glad the author chose not to sugarcoat the horror that was the French Revolution. Her depictions of the revolution showed both sides of the coin and very rarely do you ever see that in accounts of any revolution, they always highlight the plight of the people and why they were justified in their revolt, however this time the story was riveting for a whole other reason. The royals, their plight. Now we all know the story of how the French monarchy fell, how Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette lived lavishly while their people suffered for even the littlest of grain to eat. A phrase that MA is famous for is "let them eat cake!" Now I'm not sure if she's ever actually said this but yes it was pretty dense and bitchy of her if she did.

This story focused on the short life and death of Louis XVI and MA's young son, Louis Charles. Now, this is where the emotional roller-coaster begins, we all know that it is popular opinion that the Royals deserved their punishment in the end, after all, beheading was the normal form of extreme punishment in that time. Where though, was the fault of this innocent child? Being born into the wrong family? How is it okay to torture a 7 year old? Of course the novel had a whole story but this is not a book review so I won't be covering that. This is the telling of how much this unsettled me. This child was royalty, supposedly privileged more so than many others yet, this is how the last few years of his short life was spent, locked away in a tower in isolation from everyone. Don't take this the wrong way, I'm not sympathetic because of who he was, no, I am sympathetic and deeply saddened by the fact that this was a child, a child who had no idea why he was made to suffer, that too for something he had no part in. They say the cobbler, Antoine Simon and his wife who were left in charge of him did not treat him badly, despite the many accusations of barbarous cruelty the child endured at their hands. Of course we'll never know, history has a way of phasing out a lot of things and changing many others, as a History student I can attest to this.

This bothered me so immensely, just reading the account of it in Donnelly's words has left a permanent imprint on me. I don't know why. I just imagine everything so vividly that it makes my heart hurt. I know at that point in time the life expectancy of a lot of children was very low, Louis Charles' elder brother also perished at a very young age. I just feel like if he was cared for properly then he would've lived a lot longer. Firstly, isolation in itself is not an easy thing for anyone to deal with, much less a child. Secondly, being ripped away from one's parents is a traumatic experience that one is not likely to forget. Finally, it is known that he was abused, and several accounts convey that his living conditions were far from humane. I just can't be okay with that, and it wounded me so deeply, I know these things happen every single moment of every single day somewhere in the world and it is so incredibly damaging to think about.

There are so many things that are not okay, so much evil and intolerable cruelty in this world and we turn a blind eye to all of it. We hear of it then shrug it off, once it doesn't affect us directly it shouldn't be our problem right? This is the very same reason a lot of these things even happen, because people ignore it. I can tolerate a lot of things but cruelty against children (or animals) is not one of them. Animals and small children share a lot of the same traits, mainly the fact that they are completely innocent. They are unaware of quite a lot and most of the time when you decide to hurt them, they have absolutely no clue why they're being hurt, and I can't think of a more unfair and cruel thing than that. Of course the same happens to a lot of adults, but as adults you are more than aware of the way the world works and how many things occur without explanation but these children and animals have no idea about the world's cruelty until it is inflicted upon them. It's an experience they're not likely to ever forget, if they survive it.

I won't by any means consider myself an activist of any kind, mainly because I've never actively fought for any of these causes apart from internet petitions, but it is something I am incredibly passionate about (along with women's rights, but that's a whole other story for another time). I do hope to one day participate in bringing about positive changes in these sectors. Since starting my law degree last year, one of my favourite topics that I've come across is that of Human Rights and I've realized since then just how passionate I really am about it. I think just this topic alone has made me find my place in studying law, it's something I actually want to learn more about, it doesn't even feel like studying when I'm going over this topic.

Becoming a Human Rights Attorney is probably the most appealing job to me right now, despite the fact that the road to actually becoming one is far from smooth. Also, becoming a human rights attorney in Trinidad is probably, actually, it's quite pointless. We don't have the developments in that field quite yet, hopefully that changes in the future. Either way, my interests have definitely been captured by this subject matter and it has become so close to my heart that I feel it as if all of it were happening to me and I want to help and make a difference.

This year has put a lot of things into perspective for me, it's made me lay bare and put my trust in the unknown, something I have an incredibly hard time doing, and now I realize that you encounter everything when it's just right. Timing is everything. 

You know what really amazes me, and not in the good way? The fact that we claim to be a "modern" society, breaking free of all the restraints and embracing the new age...yet the abuse of basic human rights is still so blatant and happening right now. The war torn Middle East, the refugee crisis, Ferguson, #BlackLivesMatter, school shootings, FGM, inequality, homophobia, racism, facism (and so much more, way too many to list off the top of my head)...all of it is sickening, maddeningly sickening. It all makes me feel so helpless to be alive today and not be able to help in any small way. There is so much, SO MUCH more I can write about this but I don't think it's the right time, nor do I have the capacity to do so right now with so many other things on my mind. Eventually, it'll all come to pass.

At the end of the day I've realized that that's all I want, I want to have survived this life and say I helped, even if it's just one person. I need to be able to help at least one person come out of this better than they were. It's not something for self-praise or fame, it's about doing something for someone else, to make someone else's life better, to give them a chance they probably wouldn't have had before. I've realized that that's one of the few things that makes me genuinely happy and I will strive to do it for as many people as I can, for as long as I live.

xoxo, Shantilly.

Ahoy Matey!

I AM ALIVE!

Finally, the dreaded exam period is over...just when I thought the torture wouldn't end. My life during the majority of the month of May was literally, eat, sleep, law, repeat, wait! what is sleep though? Yeah, believe me, I wasn't sure I'd live to know. After packing away all my work material for this first year I couldn't help but marvel at how I even managed to cover all that work...well the majority of it anyway. However, it's always a learning experience because now I know that I need to start studying way more beforehand than I did this time around. I really can't afford to let my other life issues get in the way like I did this time.

Anyway, now that these exams are over, summer is here! I'm not even enthused to be honest. I literally have no plans until July when I'll be going to Las Vegas for two weeks with my cousin. I want to get a temporary job but trying to get a summer job in Trinidad is way harder than anywhere else apparently, especially considering that this place is so damn small and there is little to no job opportunities for the summer in specified fields. I preferred to get something in the legal or media/communications fields because they're both things I'm passionate about. Maybe that's the thing with me, I don't really see the point in putting a lot of dedication into something I don't see myself pursuing in the long run, or taking away anything valuable from it. I guess that could be classed as a downfall for me because you never really know until you try. So I've sent out a lot of applications and resumes hoping for something to pop up, but until then, I have lots of posts planned for my blogs, both here and on my livejournal, over on LJ however, it's a way more "personal" blog I suppose, it's usually the place I go when I need to be totally raw and open. I stopped using it for a long while when LJ kind of lost it's hype, but I realized it's the perfect place for free expression because not a lot of people would go there to find it. 

I'm currently working on cleaning my room which is an utter disaster as it usually is when exams roll around. I literally cannot stand mess but somehow it happens when I have little to no time for anything else but my work (and procrastinating *shame face*). I've been obsessing over my pinterest for the past while, it picked up considerable during exams as per usual, Queen Procrastinator here. Anyway, I have a ton of posts to write up, already sorted in my head so hopefully I can get this blog going a bit more than it has been, well, since I've created it, and not boring everyone with my angsty teenage/young adult drama. Wish me luck!

xoxo, Shantilly.

I don't know about you but, I'm feeling 22

I wish I could say that's a good feeling, I guess I can, but it wouldn't be true. Anyway, I made it another 12 months, a year older, 22. Accomplished a few things since 21, still nowhere close to where I thought I'd be at this point but if it's one thing you learn as you go is that, you can't plan life or put a timer on it. I think doing that has left me pretty disillusioned with a lot of things.

This month was probably, actually no, it was definitely one of the worst of my life thus far. Birthday week did me no favours either but, somehow, life goes on. I'm currently in a frenzy because I'm now realizing just how close exams are (they start next Tuesday), yeah, how did that happen? Just the other day we were in September. FML.

I'm currently sitting in my kitchen, which I do a lot when I study late at night because it's more peaceful here somehow (and there's food, DUH, s/o to my fridge)...anyway, I don't live that far from the airport and airplanes pass over/close to my house quite often, hence, I know when every single flight is arriving or departing, and I find it the most comforting thing ever. At this very moment in time, I just wish I could be on one of those flights out of this place, that's all. I don't care where I'm going, where I'll stay, nothing, I just want to get out of here. I feel suffocated and claustrophobic with the current state of my life, like I have no where to turn and all the walls are closing in, the clock is ticking away and time is running out, and I'm accomplishing nothing worthwhile.

I know I have the potential to succeed and I really hope this year can bring forth some of that because God knows I'm trying, I'm trying so fucking hard. My life is in more shambles than it was last year around this same time, I don't even know how it happened, okay no, fuck that, I know exactly how it happened but whatever, I can't go back and undo anything, all I have is the present and the future and to shape that differently.

So here's to 22, another year older, and hopefully a tad bit wiser.

I Have Lost the Ability to Can

Where do I even start?

*deep breath*

Not even four months in properly and it's a total disaster. Okay, maybe that's a vast exaggeration, it's just a bit of a disaster. A disaster that I sort of walked straight into if I'm honest. I told myself I wasn't going to let all my walls down, but he made it too easy, and I guess that's something I've always craved, someone to understand me. He was literally everything I could possibly want, except...he was never mine. I never thought I'd end up in this position, but all my willpower and self-control seems to go straight out the window when it comes to him. Sometimes I wonder, am I really so desperate for love that I settle for so much less than I deserve? I mean, it is a valid question. I'm not the person that just jumps into anything, nor am I the one to abandon all the things I stand for, yet I somehow bent all the rules for him...I guess that should've been the first red flag. Needless to say, it came to a disastrous end, for me. Some men will be anything you want them to be to get what they want, and some of them just want it all. Lesson learnt.

I really fell hard, I didn't even realize it until it was too late for me, and even still, after seeing him for who he is, I still can't think of him as a bad person. He isn't, I mean, he's not the best, but he isn't terrible. He may have been quite inconsiderate and selfish when it came to dealing with this particular situation but I truly wish him all the best. I've always been a fighter and that hasn't changed, however, I refuse to fight for something that isn't mine. Of course I want him, of course I wanted us, but it was clearly not meant to be, because if he felt the same, he would've given his decisions some more thought. There will always be the down and out moments, but I've finally come to accept that I am more than enough, he just chose to not see it, and that does not define me. I'm extremely glad to have met him and gotten to know him, it was a definite learning experience. He showed me things about myself that I didn't even realize...he made me realize my worth, even if he didn't appreciate it. So I am forever grateful to him for that, and for all the happiness he has given me within this short time. It rekindled some hope in me that I thought was lost a long time ago. Sometimes you just need an eye-opener I guess.

Now, school...I..don't...even.

Yeah, I really don't. Exams are now in less than a month, and I don't even know where to begin, here's to praying for a miracle. I literally just want to pass. I am not emotionally in the right place to even aim for higher than a pass. I just want to pass. Yeah, that may seem like giving up or underachieving but...what y'all know about my struggle??? Nothing, nada, zip, zilch, zero. So yeah, believe me when I say wanting to pass is actually OVERACHIEVING at this point. My god, I really don't know how I let this happen, oh wait, look at me writing a blog post when I should be studying! FML. Well done, Shan, well done.

Also...it's birthday month, you know what that means, TOTAL and complete meltdown. Everything that could possibly go wrong, goes wrong in April, I don't even know why but this ALWAYS happens. And as the weeks go by and the 29th draws near, I have no doubt that I'll be having an existential crisis about turning 22. Woe is my life.

Is it weird that I feel OK? I mean, that's what it is right, being okay. I'm not good or great but I am okay, after crying my life out and nearly having a breakdown for days in succession, I feel okay now. Not sure how long this feeling is going to last but I hope it endures throughout my demon exams because I really didn't need all of this right now yet it happened. They say everything happens for a reason...WHAT IS THE REASON? Jeez, give me a fucking break yea? They also say God doesn't give you more than you can handle, I guess God thinks I'm a badass (which I am *shrug*). I think I'm just running off the high that I have survived worse and I will survive this, and it'll make me a better, stronger person, all that cliche bullshit, but hey, if it works who am I to knock it? Exactly.

Till next time...which may be very soon cause you know, I'm always more active when I should be studying...-_-"

xoxo, Shantilly.

Over and Underwhelmed

It's been almost two months since school has restarted for me and I feel like I'm drowning. I knew what I was getting into when I decided to pursue this career path but, I didn't expect this feeling. The feeling of nothingness. It's like I can only think of how much there is to do, yet I can't do it. I can barely sleep at night without sleeping pills, I can't focus and I'm terribly lacking in the motivation department. I know I want to do this to a certain point but right now I'm feeling like I chose the wrong time to do it because my mind just isn't focused on it. I've been swamped with life for the longest while, maybe I just needed a vacation away from it. There hasn't been a day since school started that I didn't feel ill. I'm so stressed out and drained, ALL.THE.TIME. And the worst part is, it's from doing basically nothing.

I saw this as a new beginning for me but I'm struggling to grasp anything and it's seriously disheartening. I'm doing it partly because I want to, I think, or maybe it's just to prove that I can, partly to make my parents happy (which I know is probably the fastest route to my own unhappiness), partly because well, I need a job and being a writer, especially in this country is a dog eat dog profession. I actually thought I could get some freelancing gigs in the local newspapers or one of our local magazine productions (like I did 2 summers ago with Filtered, see "Life as an Intern" post) but NOBODY wants to even respond to an email. Yeah, it's that bad.

They want us to go to University and learn and get degrees, then they want work experience to even write a single piece for the bloody local newspapers. How are we supposed to get work experience when we can't even get jobs? Especially if we don't know a certain someone. In Trinidad, it's all about WHO you know, not WHAT you know, and that is one of the most depressing things ever. I know the situation around the world is similar, but in countries much bigger than mine (which is only a dot on the map), it seems much easier to get at least a chance at something. I've emailed nearly every single person I could email about getting at least a try at writing for them and half of them never responded and the other half were blatant "no's" covered up by fancy words.

I'm overwhelmed by the work I have cut out for me but I'm also intensely underwhelmed by just about everything else in life, including this degree I'm currently pursuing. I know it's not the correct mindset, and yes I'm aware of my very pessimistic nature, but nothing seems to be changing, everything's just getting worse. Killing yourself out for what? A job that probably isn't even going to make you happy in the future, save for the bragging rights that are associated with being an "attorney-at-law." I don't think I could be much happier than if I got a job that requires me to travel and write. That's pretty much all I wanted out of this life, guess it's quite a lot to ask for.

Fight Club got it right...

Woe is my life.

xoxo, Shantilly.

Back to Basics

Firstly, I'd like to say that this is a new start to this blog once again (or so I hope).

I don't exactly consider myself a "blogger" mainly because I'm too inconsistent for that title. I follow many bloggers and I'm always in awe at how much and how consistently they're able to update and produce on their blogs. I'm such a confusing person in general that my biggest concern is a blog name, and I feel like I need to have a blog name that I can readily identify with. Before I came up with this url I tried a ton of others, all of which were taken and were already, established, fantastic blogs so I didn't want to be unoriginal. Fashion is a passion of mine, and it has been for much of my teen years until now (I'm 21) and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere any time soon so I decided that of course it had to play a part in choosing my blog name hence, "haute." Of course if you didn't know yet, I'm pretty much a walking disaster, my life is always coming apart at the seams and I'm forever trying to hold on to my wits. My best friend fondly refers to me quite regularly as a "hot mess" so I thought what better than that? And so... The Haute Mess was born...(like two days ago)

I might as well give a basic outline of who I am as a person. I'm a 21 year old law student from the tiny Caribbean island of Trinidad. I have a Bachelor's degree in Literature and History from the University of the West Indies (UWI) I absolutely love to read and write however I frequently suffer from writer's block (and chronic laziness). The past couple years of my life have been an utter mess that left my creativity suffering and my entire being in a total disarray. I'm not one to just give up, no matter how many times I say I give up so this is why I've decided to try my hand at this once more. This blog will encompass everything that interests me, ranging from fashion, travel, books, current events, history, art, movies/film, music and whatever I deem fit to be here so I hope you enjoy a little insight into the mind of a total haute mess ;)

Also, I refuse to censor myself when it comes to certain things so my content may sometimes be a bit on the raw side. (Follow my tumblr for more regular updates)

xoxo, Shantilly.