Goodbye 2015.

1 day...

2015...goddamn 2015, it was a hell of a year, an actual rollercoaster ride, but not the fun ones. You know the ones that keep going in loops, and you want to throw up and you keep begging to get off but it won't stop? Yeah, that kind. Anyway, 2015 has been a big year for everyone, a year of man-buns, continuation of the social media rage, ISIS, The Weeknd, vines, fuckboys, life-hacks, and of course...lessons. 2015 has definitely taught me some valuable lessons, as every year does, but I feel like this year something's changed.

I no longer make resolutions (but does marrying a Sheikh count for 2016?) anyway, I have goals, 2013 : happiness, 2014 : growth, 2015 : balance. Now, let me say upfront, I have failed magnificently at my 2015 goal, my balance was SO off, it's shameful really. I'm not sure I have a goal for 2016 yet, hopefully by the end of this post I do. 

2015 has taught me:

1. I am a control freak, no really, and my control-freakness is one of my greatest downfalls because you can't control everything. You see, things spiralled way out of my control this year and I was completely unable to cope with my "failures." This needs to be fixed, or...controlled.

2. Sometimes good people make bad decisions. You can't fix everyone and everything. Sometimes you're put into someone's life only for a short time and it's up to you to make an impact, a good impact. I hope I did. 

3. Some friendships/relationships can be rekindled and picked up right where they left off before things went bad, whereas others not so much.

4. Sometimes even when you lay all your cards on the table and everything is laid bare, you still can't anticipate what you're getting yourself into. Nothing's ever a sure thing, people are fickle and they will let you down.

5. You can no longer pull all nighters and study the night before your exams. Your second degree requires way more work and dedication. Stop your bullshit please, we need this law degree boo. Let your shortcomings be your motivation.

6. Fuckboys, fuckboys everywhere (to be fair, fuckgirls too). Relationships and love have become such fragile things, people give in to their vices so easily, they lie flawlessly to the people they claim to "love," they break other people without giving a second thought, all in the name of selfishness. "I deserve this, I deserve that," no, what you deserve is a really hard slap or two. 

7. Not everyone that says they love you, mean it. "Those three words are said too much, but not enough," one of my favourite lines from one of my favourite songs, it has a much deeper meaning now. 

8. Failure is not the end of the world. You can get up and try again. "So what? You failed your finals. You gained some weight. So what? You're single again. You lost your job. So what? What now? You live. You try again. That's what."

9. When the world feel like it's going to end and everyone and everything is against you, there will always be your mother's arms. I've realized this year the truth to the statement, "My mother taught me everything except how to live without her." I love you ma. 

10. You are always capable of loving again, and again. I don't have enough fingers to count how many times I've broken down this year and said, "I have nothing left to give anyone," and I truly feel it in those moments of despair but, no matter how broken you think you are, there is always some love left to give.

Drawing by my incredibly talented oompaloompa Maryam Mohammed.

I wish you all the best for 2016. I hope you have a safe, healthy, and happy one, filled with lots of love and magic.

-Neil Gaiman

xoxo, Shantilly.

There Goes Another One

Where do I begin?

This year was supposed to be my year of growth, that was the only resolution I had for myself. I've long given up on making large lists of New Year's Resolutions, they more than likely never happen anyway and I just end up feeling like a failure, so to avoid such things I've decided to stop. Anyway, the one thing I wrote down as a goal for 2014 was simply, GROWTH. The goal for 2013 was happiness and believe me, that did not happen, 2013 was the exact opposite, however that doesn't mean my pursuit of happiness is over.

2014 ultimately has been a struggle, not as much as 2013 but it was a struggle to try and put my life back together after the disaster of the previous year, along with many setbacks I think I can safely say, I made some progress. Both happiness and growth aren't resolutions per say, they're a part of everyday life and I've always known that (it just felt solid to have a word for the year I suppose), therefore, they're both things I strive for every day, not just for the years I've labelled them on. 2014 has brought me some pretty great things and lessons which is what life is all about, no? 

So here's a list of things that 2014 has brought me: 

1. The thing I'm most proud of right now, my first degree, BA Literatures in English with History (I graduated in October).

2. Starting Law School, proof that there's always another chance at a new beginning.

3. A hell of a lot of anxiety.

4. Seeking help isn't weakness, it's a form of strength to know when you need help and to get it.

5. Making new friends, something I've always had trouble with but progress was made. 

6. Saying goodbye to my best friend and basically struggling to keep our friendship alive. 

7. Realizing that I am emotionally damaged to a certain point because I struggle to let people in. Trust issues.

8. Meeting a new person and not giving my all to them, which is actually a good thing, it prevents a lot of hurt. Lesson learnt, I just need to find some middle ground between being totally closed off or too open.

9. Always have your guard up, it isn't always a good thing because, see number 7, but it's important to keep yourself stable. 

10. I am A LOT stronger than I ever thought I could've been. 

11. There will always be setbacks but you can achieve great things. 

12. I have to be successful because I like expensive shit.

13. I have to try to find a balance between being a good person and not being a pushover.

14. Motivation is the key to success, focus on the prize, work towards it and ye shall reap the rewards.

15. Last but not least, this is really not the list I had in mind, my brain is all over but above all, believe in yourself. Positivity is all that's needed sometimes. 

My word for the upcoming year, well the goal, coupled with Happiness and Growth : BALANCE.

I hope 2015 brings lots of good things, have a good one! Cheers!

xoxo, Shantilly