Everything I have in mind to write right now, I feel like I've written before and it really makes me wonder how long I've felt like this, like I don't belong here. Lately it's become overbearing, my need to get away. I always say I hate where I live, but honestly, I don't think I hate it, that's too much of a strong word. Compared to the rest of the world, Trinidad is a pretty sweet place to live, carefree and laid back but for such a small country, we have way too many issues, issues that we shouldn't have and things like these just upset me. Yes, I'm a sensitive human towards social issues and the like, I've just come to accept it, it's who I am. Anyway, studying abroad was something I've dreamed of since childhood, and I'm realizing now that it's mainly just to get away, because I don't like living here at all and I think maybe if I live somewhere else it'll give me new perspective so I can sort out whatever is going on in my brain.
"Wasn't that the definition of home? Not where you are from, but where you are wanted."
- Abraham Verghese
I feel displaced, and it's not in some weird way that I feel like I need to go back to the land of my forefathers (which would be India) to find myself, no, it's not cultural or religious or anything like that. It's feeling like I've been born in the wrong place, like I don't fit in with the crowd here, I'm awkward and I don't have many friends (I rather it that way) but still, social life in Trinidad is all about the partying and being seen in certain places etc and I just don't fit that bill. I actually HATE it. Yes, I am well aware that it's the same in just about every country in the world but I'll address that later.
However, a couple weeks back I went on a mini vacation to Las Vegas (post on that coming soon) and we did the whole partying scene nearly every night and I couldn't get enough of it, I shocked even myself with that realization. I met so many new and interesting people and I had the time of my life doing the exact same thing I'm really not fond of doing here. I always say that Trinidad is too small, lately, more often than not. Everyone knows everyone, everyone is connected in some way, and I think that's great, but it's not great when you feel suffocated by it like I do. It's like this, there's a minuscule chance of ever meeting new people here. Even if you think you've met someone new, you speak to your friends or people you know and guess what? They're more than likely going to know the person and give you all the dirt on them. This of course is sometimes a good thing, can't fault people for telling me beforehand before I get in any deeper. Not short-changing this beautiful place in any way though, there's a lot to do here and a lot I haven't seen right here in my own island but for some reason I'm just not interested. There's a whole unexplored world out there and I rather do that instead...it's messed up isn't it?
They say it's wanderlust, but I feel like it's more than that for me. Like I just need to get away, from what you ask? I don't even know. I feel like I'm wasting my life in this place, like I won't get anywhere by just being here. I wish I could be content with it all but I'm just not. Sometimes I have moments of vivid clarity but most times it's like this. How great can you feel about anything when you're in a place full of familiar faces and all you feel is alone? Loneliness to the point that you rather be somewhere where no one knows you then have an actual reason to feel that way. And in that new place, start over again, or maybe just continue the story with a different outlook. I honestly don't think of my yearning for being anywhere but here as a journey to find myself, within the past two years I believe, I've gotten a pretty good grasp on who I am and where I want to be, of course as they say travel always changes your mindset and opens your eyes to a lot of things you didn't notice before and that's what I'm desperately in need of. A change of scenery, a bit of freedom to do things the way I want for a change.
Here's some love from me to you, my current favourite song:
Change is inevitable.
xoxo, Shantilly.
