Over and Underwhelmed

It's been almost two months since school has restarted for me and I feel like I'm drowning. I knew what I was getting into when I decided to pursue this career path but, I didn't expect this feeling. The feeling of nothingness. It's like I can only think of how much there is to do, yet I can't do it. I can barely sleep at night without sleeping pills, I can't focus and I'm terribly lacking in the motivation department. I know I want to do this to a certain point but right now I'm feeling like I chose the wrong time to do it because my mind just isn't focused on it. I've been swamped with life for the longest while, maybe I just needed a vacation away from it. There hasn't been a day since school started that I didn't feel ill. I'm so stressed out and drained, ALL.THE.TIME. And the worst part is, it's from doing basically nothing.

I saw this as a new beginning for me but I'm struggling to grasp anything and it's seriously disheartening. I'm doing it partly because I want to, I think, or maybe it's just to prove that I can, partly to make my parents happy (which I know is probably the fastest route to my own unhappiness), partly because well, I need a job and being a writer, especially in this country is a dog eat dog profession. I actually thought I could get some freelancing gigs in the local newspapers or one of our local magazine productions (like I did 2 summers ago with Filtered, see "Life as an Intern" post) but NOBODY wants to even respond to an email. Yeah, it's that bad.

They want us to go to University and learn and get degrees, then they want work experience to even write a single piece for the bloody local newspapers. How are we supposed to get work experience when we can't even get jobs? Especially if we don't know a certain someone. In Trinidad, it's all about WHO you know, not WHAT you know, and that is one of the most depressing things ever. I know the situation around the world is similar, but in countries much bigger than mine (which is only a dot on the map), it seems much easier to get at least a chance at something. I've emailed nearly every single person I could email about getting at least a try at writing for them and half of them never responded and the other half were blatant "no's" covered up by fancy words.

I'm overwhelmed by the work I have cut out for me but I'm also intensely underwhelmed by just about everything else in life, including this degree I'm currently pursuing. I know it's not the correct mindset, and yes I'm aware of my very pessimistic nature, but nothing seems to be changing, everything's just getting worse. Killing yourself out for what? A job that probably isn't even going to make you happy in the future, save for the bragging rights that are associated with being an "attorney-at-law." I don't think I could be much happier than if I got a job that requires me to travel and write. That's pretty much all I wanted out of this life, guess it's quite a lot to ask for.

Fight Club got it right...

Woe is my life.

xoxo, Shantilly.