Midyear Reflection: 2018

So much time has passed. I missed out on writing a birthday post this year because life has been so busy. Somethings have changed and some have stayed the same. Altogether, 2018 thus far has been a year of many highs and lows. 

It started out in January with a high, making it to the interview stage of the JET Programme that I applied for, which is a teaching exchange program in Japan. It's something I've wanted to do for years, but after I finished University, I went straight into another degree which was Law. Things didn't work out with Law, and I finally just took myself out of that situation in May-June 2017. It was one of the best decisions I ever made and I started my life afresh last year...somewhat. I started pursuing those Japanese classes I always wanted to do but never got around to. I'm still kicking myself for not pursuing it while I was doing law but better late than never.

I applied to the JET Programme last year October (2017) and out of the over 100 applicants, I earned myself a spot in the top 30 for the interview in January. I found out in March that I made it onto the short-list, which basically means you're in and they're just looking for a placement for you. When May rolled around I got my confirmation that I was placed in Kobe-shi, and I am so proud of myself. Honestly, I always feel like I'm working with time that's running out on me, already 25 as of April, but this is one of the few accomplishments I've made in this life that I am genuinely proud of. 

Getting into the program may not seem like a big deal to others but to me, who's been hit with disappointment after disappointment, this is a miracle. A miracle born from a lot of hard-work and dedication. I went the extra mile for my application and I relentlessly practiced for my interview and made sure I had all my bases covered. It's like coming back from the ashes. Yes, I'm dramatic but when I dropped out of Law School, I had no idea where my life was headed, it felt like a relief but at the same time, my country's employment rate is at an all time low, and applying for a Master's was not possible last year thanks to the deadlines. I do still intend to pursue my Master's just not right now. I also have a few other goals to pursue but we'll see how this goes first.

Back track to February. My grandmother passed away. I wasn't sad or anything, for obvious reasons that are unknown here, but I know them and that's what's important. I don't feel the need to go into detail but the aftermath of her passing was so extremely taxing. I could barely function properly until probably April. I thought I wasn't going to be okay again, that's how bad it was. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, none of it out of sadness, but mostly out of crippling anxiety. I think I was traumatized, I assume that's what happens when you find someone dead. None of it really hit me until after that first day. It was so incredibly hard for me to overcome my own fears, I was popping anxiety pills like vitamins. So that is another thing that I feel proud of myself for, being able to get out of that dark place and move on. 

That being said, 2018 has not been a bad year thus far, it's actually been pretty good in terms of growth. I ended up joining this group chat and made a bunch of new friends and actually regained my motivation to write. I've been posting stuff on tumblr and I mean, it's not very good, but I know it'll improve with time since I'm now getting back in the groove of things. I'm really happy I got this opportunity and these new friends so it's a good time. 

I leave for Japan on August 4th, that being said, I have made the decision to close this blog. This blog has a lot of memories on it and it shows a lot of growth and changes in my life so I'm very grateful to have it to serve as reflection. I'm not going to delete it, but it'll remain just an archive. I haven't been very active but I want to change that and open a brand new blog, probably on another site, so this is my farewell.

To anyone that reads this, I hope you're doing well, and if you're not, hang tight, things will get better soon <3 nbsp="" p="">

All my love.

xoxo,
Shantilly.

Welcome 2017!

(This post is so late because I was out of the country [see previous post] and because as soon as I came back I got the flu and super busy with school and new projects)

So 2016 went by preeetty quickly (thankfully). It wasn't that great of a year for the human race as a whole, and once you surf the internet you'd have seen the countless memes about *gasp* the horror of 2016! I can't say they're all wrong or overreacting because I know some folks have had quite a terrible year (my sympathies). However, with some generous reflection on my part, I've come to realize that 2016 was such a necessary year for me personally. It was rough, I don't think any part of it was easy, but it forced me to grow up so much, and for that I'm extremely grateful.

2016 has been a year plagued by constant health issues, personal failures, not one but TWO car accidents, constant drawbacks, and many many breakdowns. But somehow, I've managed to find the silver lining, and not because I was looking for it but because it is what it is. Believe me that's an accomplishment in itself for me as an anxiety and depression sufferer. I was quite shocked with how positive I ended up seeing 2016, but also extremely happy.

So for me 2016 has taught me some of the most valuable lessons in the shortest period of time. You know some people have had a bad year? Well I've had a bad COUPLE of years...no joke. I always made 'goals' instead of resolutions for the past couple of years and well they never came to pass either way so for 2017, I have none. There are numerous personal goals which I have in mind but they're all works in progress and I'll keep those to myself for now. Back to my lessons learnt in 2016:

- You are so much stronger than you think. Physically and mentally.
- You can achieve anything you set your mind to.
- Hard work pays off.
- If you don't try, you'll never know.
- The Gym is a little slice of paradise. (harsh, painful paradise, but with amazing rewards)
- Not everyone is your friend, not everyone deserves your friendship.
- Even the people you consider the most can turn their backs on you.
- It's actually quite peaceful to be alone (especially if you're an introvert like me with so much going on in her head all the time)
- You are better off without people who feel like they can come in and out of your life whenever they want.
- You don't owe the people who have hurt you anything at all, not even a response. 
- Let it go, let it gooooo...all the pent up frustration, built up anger, and poisonous thoughts, they are more toxic than you think.
- No one can harm you once you believe in God and yourself. (that's not saying the people who don't believe in God will be harmed, I'm only speaking for myself with that one because I struggle so much with religion that grasping at it and holding on is a big feat for me).
- Your focus is so important that you can't waste it on irrelevant things or people.
- You are destined for greatness, and you will survive long enough to achieve it.

I feel like it's just done so much for me as a person that I can't say that it was awful. I welcomed 2017 with a much more peaceful and level headed frame of mind than I ever have before and I look forward to all this year has to bring. Best wishes everyone! <3 p="">
xoxo, Shantilly.