I Have Lost the Ability to Can

Where do I even start?

*deep breath*

Not even four months in properly and it's a total disaster. Okay, maybe that's a vast exaggeration, it's just a bit of a disaster. A disaster that I sort of walked straight into if I'm honest. I told myself I wasn't going to let all my walls down, but he made it too easy, and I guess that's something I've always craved, someone to understand me. He was literally everything I could possibly want, except...he was never mine. I never thought I'd end up in this position, but all my willpower and self-control seems to go straight out the window when it comes to him. Sometimes I wonder, am I really so desperate for love that I settle for so much less than I deserve? I mean, it is a valid question. I'm not the person that just jumps into anything, nor am I the one to abandon all the things I stand for, yet I somehow bent all the rules for him...I guess that should've been the first red flag. Needless to say, it came to a disastrous end, for me. Some men will be anything you want them to be to get what they want, and some of them just want it all. Lesson learnt.

I really fell hard, I didn't even realize it until it was too late for me, and even still, after seeing him for who he is, I still can't think of him as a bad person. He isn't, I mean, he's not the best, but he isn't terrible. He may have been quite inconsiderate and selfish when it came to dealing with this particular situation but I truly wish him all the best. I've always been a fighter and that hasn't changed, however, I refuse to fight for something that isn't mine. Of course I want him, of course I wanted us, but it was clearly not meant to be, because if he felt the same, he would've given his decisions some more thought. There will always be the down and out moments, but I've finally come to accept that I am more than enough, he just chose to not see it, and that does not define me. I'm extremely glad to have met him and gotten to know him, it was a definite learning experience. He showed me things about myself that I didn't even realize...he made me realize my worth, even if he didn't appreciate it. So I am forever grateful to him for that, and for all the happiness he has given me within this short time. It rekindled some hope in me that I thought was lost a long time ago. Sometimes you just need an eye-opener I guess.

Now, school...I..don't...even.

Yeah, I really don't. Exams are now in less than a month, and I don't even know where to begin, here's to praying for a miracle. I literally just want to pass. I am not emotionally in the right place to even aim for higher than a pass. I just want to pass. Yeah, that may seem like giving up or underachieving but...what y'all know about my struggle??? Nothing, nada, zip, zilch, zero. So yeah, believe me when I say wanting to pass is actually OVERACHIEVING at this point. My god, I really don't know how I let this happen, oh wait, look at me writing a blog post when I should be studying! FML. Well done, Shan, well done.

Also...it's birthday month, you know what that means, TOTAL and complete meltdown. Everything that could possibly go wrong, goes wrong in April, I don't even know why but this ALWAYS happens. And as the weeks go by and the 29th draws near, I have no doubt that I'll be having an existential crisis about turning 22. Woe is my life.

Is it weird that I feel OK? I mean, that's what it is right, being okay. I'm not good or great but I am okay, after crying my life out and nearly having a breakdown for days in succession, I feel okay now. Not sure how long this feeling is going to last but I hope it endures throughout my demon exams because I really didn't need all of this right now yet it happened. They say everything happens for a reason...WHAT IS THE REASON? Jeez, give me a fucking break yea? They also say God doesn't give you more than you can handle, I guess God thinks I'm a badass (which I am *shrug*). I think I'm just running off the high that I have survived worse and I will survive this, and it'll make me a better, stronger person, all that cliche bullshit, but hey, if it works who am I to knock it? Exactly.

Till next time...which may be very soon cause you know, I'm always more active when I should be studying...-_-"

xoxo, Shantilly.