To The One In My Thoughts Who Doesn't Deserve To Be There

I don’t know if you’ll ever see this but I need to get this off my chest. It’s been one hell of a year since I’ve known you, and you and I slipped into that pattern of destruction. It was bliss when it first began but within a few short months it was a downward spiral and I can’t remember much before that. The bad always outweighs the good – especially when you don’t know if the “good” was ever real. I will never understand why any of this had to happen. I was good to you, wasn’t I? That’s what I keep asking myself over and over when I wonder why this had to happen. Maybe at 21 I shouldn’t have been so naïve, but I believed you when you said you and her were over and you promised me that you weren’t going to go back. I believed you, because for me, things like promises are meant to be kept. I know better now. Not everyone thinks the way I do, that was my mistake. I never wanted to hurt her that’s why I told you I wouldn’t go out with you unless you were 100% sure that you weren’t going to go back, and it was completely over. Writing and reading all of this now makes me realize how incredibly predictable the situation really was, but I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, you know? I didn’t want to be one of those people that only saw the bad in people, because thinking like that is just carrying around negativity and you’ll probably miss out on a lot of great people. I always think that there’s some good even in some of the worst people but I should have seen the signs, I should’ve known that some people are everything they show you on the surface and not much more beyond that. 

Everything had to be a secret. Why? You said it was because you didn’t want to hurt her, because you both had now broken up and she would be extremely hurt to know you were seeing someone else, and again, I believed you. I went along with it, I let myself be a secret. You made me shine so bright, brighter than I had in a long while, but I didn’t even realize your darkness was casting a shadow over that light the entire time just waiting to extinguish it. It was all tainted. Tainted by your sweet little lies, lies that made me feel like I was on top of the world, like I was everything. You were everything I wanted in someone; you made me feel safe, loved, cherished, happy again, like I could do anything. You put me on top of the world and then knocked me right back off, lower than I’d ever been. You showed me the way a guy should treat me when we went out, thank you for that, I only wish it was genuine. You fight me down every single time we speak, saying it was real and I’ll believe what I want anyway, and you know what? I will. I will because I should have back then, I should have seen the red flags and heeded them. You kept it all a secret and made me do it too, and I’m still fucking doing it. I’m keeping a secret that I shouldn’t have to keep! You went back to her like I was nothing, like if everything that happened between us didn’t exist. She asked about me and you lied from the start. Why would you have to lie to her about who I was to you if you weren’t together? We did nothing wrong if that was the case. You were single and you were seeing someone else, what was the need to lie? You made me a villain without my permission. You turned my fairytale into a nightmare to protect yourself from your own misdeeds.

How could you be so cruel? What wrong did I do to deserve that? To have to live with that? To add insult to injury, you didn’t stop there, you continued to contact me even after getting back with her. Now this is where I went wrong, I know that, I should’ve never taken your calls, I should’ve just cut you off clean. With anyone else I would’ve, but there’s just something about you that got under my skin. It’s nice to feel like someone cares you know, even if it isn’t real. It’s nice to have someone to talk to, someone who understands, or at least pretends to. You try so much to convince me that it was real, that you were genuine with caring about me and understanding me, but how can I believe that? After the hand you dealt me? After promising me that it was over, and then turning the other cheek and going back to her, you decided to propose to her. No problem. This wasn’t any of my concern anymore, but why did you keep trying to call me? We hadn’t spoken in months and I was doing fine, then I accepted a few calls and I realized that nothing had changed, engaged or not, you’re just selfish, you want it all. You want her and you want me. You can’t have everything you want. I realize that you’re accustomed to getting your way, and maybe that’s why you can’t accept that you didn’t with me. I don’t know, I’ll never know. 

Now you’re engaged to be married and I thought that this year would be a new start but of course you can’t let me live in peace so you decided to come at me with this bogus offer of friendship. After much talking I’ve come to realize, with little surprise, that it wasn’t even because you wanted to be my friend for me, no, it was for you, like it always is, it’s all about you. You claim you can’t stand the guilt, and you fix everything and you can fix this if I just let you. You cannot. Not because I don’t want you to, believe me friend if anyone could come and fix this for me right now I’d let them do it, no questions asked. But this can’t be fixed, not in the conventional sense at least. Can you undo everything? Can you magically erase all the emotional turmoil and heartache I’ve felt? No amount of money or material things can “fix” this. Also, how were you going to tell her that you’re suddenly friends with this girl you claim to not have anything to do with anymore? This girl whom you said meant nothing to you and you only spoke to via messages? With more LIES, that’s how, because that seems to be the only thing you’re good at, LYING. Congratulations though, your lies got you what you wanted. You got off without a scratch, whilst I’m here trying to piece my life back together and after begging you numerous times to leave me alone, you couldn’t even do that for me. You had to weasel your way back in and fuck me up again. I can’t understand why I even feel for you, you’re not worth all this trouble, but here I am. Unable to sleep, or function like a normal human being, spiralling away into a pit of despair, guilt, anxiety and depression ridden, wondering where I went wrong. Wondering how something as simple as loving someone could’ve caused me So. Much. Pain.

I’ve made mistakes, which I can admit. I should’ve cut you off clean the moment you went back to her, but I hoped that we could’ve been friends again at that point, now, once again, I know better. We cannot be friends, you are a manipulative bastard. You only bring negativity to my life and you cannot do right by me, and as far as I can see, you can’t do right by anyone unless you decide to change your entire life. I still believe that you are capable of being a good man, I’ve seen it first hand, you just have to be that man without an agenda or an ulterior motive, be him genuinely. You truly are a remarkable human being, if you just stop playing these games, I guess the same could be said about a lot of men, but I don’t know them. I’ve gotten to know you though, well as much as you’d let me know. Maybe that’s why I love you so much, because I know the man you can be.

My feelings for you weren’t fake or temporary based on certain things, I promise you that they were real, and you took advantage of them. You managed to quite literally ruin my life in less than a year, maybe if I was stronger I wouldn’t have caved so easily, so I guess that’s also my fault but I didn’t deserve what you did to me. I didn’t. I know everyone these days thinks they deserve the world and more, I’m not so sure about that. I may not be the greatest person in the world, no one’s perfect, but I know for a fact that I didn’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve to have to feel like this, to feel like I don’t know who I am anymore, to feel like I’m lost, empty, vacant, and drowning. I didn’t deserve to feel like I’m unlovable and incapable of loving anyone else, directionless, like no matter how hard I try to pull myself out of this I won’t be able to, like it’s never going to get better. I’ve come to the point where I don’t know if I can see the good in everyone again, I’ll try to though because that’s who I knew myself to be, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust another man and anything he says, knowing how easy it is for people to lie to get what they want, I have to though, because how else will I move on, and live, and grow? You always tell me, “You’ll be fine kid,” and I believed you back then, now, not so much. I don’t even know what fine looks or feels like. I didn’t deserve to feel so angry, so betrayed, and so much hate. Hate is such a powerful word and I don’t use it that often anymore but it’s the only one I can use to describe this feeling. I hate you, I hate her, and most of all, I hate myself. I didn’t deserve any of this. 

Talking to you came so easily, I’ve told you things I wasn’t able to tell anyone else, I opened up to you in a way that shocked even me. You said that it was the same for you and you hope I don’t betray that trust, unlike you, I won’t, you can trust me. I think you know me well enough now to know that I feel things very deeply, I may not show it on the surface very often (s/o to my resting bitch face and social awkwardness for that) but I feel it all and keep it bottled up inside. You were the first person I let in so much, and you ruined me, and I’m not sure where to go from here, all I know is that I can’t have you in my life, having you here is to my own detriment. I can’t do that to myself anymore. How can I watch the man I love, love someone else? How can I watch the man I wanted to marry, marry someone else? How can you ask that of me? You don’t know the depth of the damage you did to me, but I hope this gave you some insight. It’s not because I don’t want you in my life that I refuse to have you, it’s because I can’t have you in my life, it’s not healthy. You’re not good for me. Our chapter is over, no matter how hard it will be to accept and move on, I have to. You already have your life mapped out for you, you’re set, your future is solid. I lost myself with you, and I lost you as well in the end.

I have to find the strength to find my way back now.

2 a.m. thoughts by S. R. R.

I think I need a new Town.

I'm pretty sure most people know the song Boston by Augustana, it's been one of my favourites for as long as I've known, probably since I got into music. I was just checking and it's been released back in 2005 and somehow to me, the years starting in the 2000's don't ever seem so long ago but...holy shit, that was 10 years ago. It's been awhile mate. Anyway, have a listen if you don't already know the song, if you do, no harm in listening again :)

Everything I have in mind to write right now, I feel like I've written before and it really makes me wonder how long I've felt like this, like I don't belong here. Lately it's become overbearing, my need to get away. I always say I hate where I live, but honestly, I don't think I hate it, that's too much of a strong word. Compared to the rest of the world, Trinidad is a pretty sweet place to live, carefree and laid back but for such a small country, we have way too many issues, issues that we shouldn't have and things like these just upset me. Yes, I'm a sensitive human towards social issues and the like, I've just come to accept it, it's who I am. Anyway, studying abroad was something I've dreamed of since childhood, and I'm realizing now that it's mainly just to get away, because I don't like living here at all and I think maybe if I live somewhere else it'll give me new perspective so I can sort out whatever is going on in my brain.

"Wasn't that the definition of home? Not where you are from, but where you are wanted." 

- Abraham Verghese

I feel displaced, and it's not in some weird way that I feel like I need to go back to the land of my forefathers (which would be India) to find myself, no, it's not cultural or religious or anything like that. It's feeling like I've been born in the wrong place, like I don't fit in with the crowd here, I'm awkward and I don't have many friends (I rather it that way) but still, social life in Trinidad is all about the partying and being seen in certain places etc and I just don't fit that bill. I actually HATE it. Yes, I am well aware that it's the same in just about every country in the world but I'll address that later.

However, a couple weeks back I went on a mini vacation to Las Vegas (post on that coming soon) and we did the whole partying scene nearly every night and I couldn't get enough of it, I shocked even myself with that realization. I met so many new and interesting people and I had the time of my life doing the exact same thing I'm really not fond of doing here. I always say that Trinidad is too small, lately, more often than not. Everyone knows everyone, everyone is connected in some way, and I think that's great, but it's not great when you feel suffocated by it like I do. It's like this, there's a minuscule chance of ever meeting new people here. Even if you think you've met someone new, you speak to your friends or people you know and guess what? They're more than likely going to know the person and give you all the dirt on them. This of course is sometimes a good thing, can't fault people for telling me beforehand before I get in any deeper. Not short-changing this beautiful place in any way though, there's a lot to do here and a lot I haven't seen right here in my own island but for some reason I'm just not interested. There's a whole unexplored world out there and I rather do that instead...it's messed up isn't it?

They say it's wanderlust, but I feel like it's more than that for me. Like I just need to get away, from what you ask? I don't even know. I feel like I'm wasting my life in this place, like I won't get anywhere by just being here. I wish I could be content with it all but I'm just not. Sometimes I have moments of vivid clarity but most times it's like this. How great can you feel about anything when you're in a place full of familiar faces and all you feel is alone? Loneliness to the point that you rather be somewhere where no one knows you then have an actual reason to feel that way. And in that new place, start over again, or maybe just continue the story with a different outlook. I honestly don't think of my yearning for being anywhere but here as a journey to find myself, within the past two years I believe, I've gotten a pretty good grasp on who I am and where I want to be, of course as they say travel always changes your mindset and opens your eyes to a lot of things you didn't notice before and that's what I'm desperately in need of. A change of scenery, a bit of freedom to do things the way I want for a change.

Here's some love from me to you, my current favourite song:

Change is inevitable.

xoxo, Shantilly.

Pluviophile

a lover of rain; someone who finds joy and peace of mind during rainy days. -Collins Dictionary

It's been extremely rainy these days and I absolutely love it. Rainy weather is literally one of my favourite things on earth, yes, that sounds like vast exaggeration however it isn't. There's just something about it that's oddly calming, it brings about a stillness in me that's unlike any other. Just last night I was looking out my window at the downpour on the street and I swear I haven't felt that at ease in ages. The view from my window is quite unspectacular by the way, my neighbour's house is the first thing you see, but at the right angle, you can see the street which is nothing amazing either but at night, in the rainfall, illuminated by the blurry glow of street lamps, it is perfect.

There's something melancholy about the rain isn't there? The gloomy weather, the chill, the lonely raindrops sliding down the window panes, all of it almost seems magical, straight out of a storybook. I absolutely adore it. This type of weather brings out my creative side full force, I feel like I could do it all with just the weather as my inspiration. It makes being alone not seem like a bad thing and empowering even, like armour, like being cloaked in blanket of comfort.

Comfort, which I've also found in the work of Leonid Afremov.

Times Square by Leonid Afremov

Afremov is a spectacular Russian-Israeli artist born in Belarus, famed for his colourful works which are mostly created via oils and a palette knife. His work is unmistakeable and unique. I fell in love with his pieces in New York a couple years back actually, well technically they weren't "his" they were recreations by a street artist who painted similar pieces. The one that captured my attention was of a girl holding an umbrella walking down a rainy, distinctively "New York" street (I actually bought this painting for $5). Anyway, after I got back home I did my research and came across Afremov's masterpieces (in my opinion), and imagine my glee when there were more than one rain-centric pieces :D There are so many actually, I can't even post them all though I wish I could, you can check them all out and even get yourself one here. An Afremov piece is one of the things I must own in this life. I'm slightly talented in the art category, but not nearly anything that comes close to this, also if I had time to even practice it would help. Alas, studying law doesn't permit for such leisure time.

Rain Princess by Leonid Afremov

"Rain Princess" is by far my favourite of Afremov's work, and he has some pretty amazing pieces. There's just something about this one that speaks to me, the solitude and mystery perhaps. Those are two traits which most people who interest me possess, also, they're traits I see in myself. For as long as I've known myself I haven't been good at the whole keeping friends thing. People have slipped in and out of my life all the time, sometimes it's bothered me, sometimes I didn't even notice. Of course there are some loyal ones (I could count them on one hand) that I've picked up over time and they've stayed through thick and thin (so far). Lately though, I've learnt to own my solitude and use it to build me up rather than tear me down. The description of this painting is literally everything put into words in such an eloquent way that I felt no need to paraphrase or change it:

"Enigmatic stranger ruling her world: 

The paradox is that while people usually say they don’t like rain, they tend to find rainy weather very mysterious and romantic. Indeed, a sun-lit landscape can rarely offer a puzzle to unravel – everything is clear and transparent. This is why cheap wall art that is made in great numbers prefers to ignore the beauty of rainy parks and streets – why, it too requires a great deal of imagination to break stereotypes like “rain is boring, no one is going to buy it, let’s print more sunny landscapes”. The rain theme in wall canvas art is definitely underdeveloped.

Fortunately, there are artists who are equal to challenge. Leonid Afremov’s works are often dedicated to rain. He manages to catch these elusive moments of reverie that are inspired, for example, by an unknown woman who is walking in front of you under her umbrella as if she was the princess of this rainy kingdom. Who is she in reality? Where is she going? Perhaps it doesn’t even matter, but for one beautiful moment she makes you forget about everything else in this world."

Just let it sink in for a moment. It's absolutely exhilarating to think you could instigate that level of wonder in another person by just passing by. That's the kind of person I want to be, the person people want to get to know, not the one they just see and think nothing of.

xoxo, Shantilly.

Over and Underwhelmed

It's been almost two months since school has restarted for me and I feel like I'm drowning. I knew what I was getting into when I decided to pursue this career path but, I didn't expect this feeling. The feeling of nothingness. It's like I can only think of how much there is to do, yet I can't do it. I can barely sleep at night without sleeping pills, I can't focus and I'm terribly lacking in the motivation department. I know I want to do this to a certain point but right now I'm feeling like I chose the wrong time to do it because my mind just isn't focused on it. I've been swamped with life for the longest while, maybe I just needed a vacation away from it. There hasn't been a day since school started that I didn't feel ill. I'm so stressed out and drained, ALL.THE.TIME. And the worst part is, it's from doing basically nothing.

I saw this as a new beginning for me but I'm struggling to grasp anything and it's seriously disheartening. I'm doing it partly because I want to, I think, or maybe it's just to prove that I can, partly to make my parents happy (which I know is probably the fastest route to my own unhappiness), partly because well, I need a job and being a writer, especially in this country is a dog eat dog profession. I actually thought I could get some freelancing gigs in the local newspapers or one of our local magazine productions (like I did 2 summers ago with Filtered, see "Life as an Intern" post) but NOBODY wants to even respond to an email. Yeah, it's that bad.

They want us to go to University and learn and get degrees, then they want work experience to even write a single piece for the bloody local newspapers. How are we supposed to get work experience when we can't even get jobs? Especially if we don't know a certain someone. In Trinidad, it's all about WHO you know, not WHAT you know, and that is one of the most depressing things ever. I know the situation around the world is similar, but in countries much bigger than mine (which is only a dot on the map), it seems much easier to get at least a chance at something. I've emailed nearly every single person I could email about getting at least a try at writing for them and half of them never responded and the other half were blatant "no's" covered up by fancy words.

I'm overwhelmed by the work I have cut out for me but I'm also intensely underwhelmed by just about everything else in life, including this degree I'm currently pursuing. I know it's not the correct mindset, and yes I'm aware of my very pessimistic nature, but nothing seems to be changing, everything's just getting worse. Killing yourself out for what? A job that probably isn't even going to make you happy in the future, save for the bragging rights that are associated with being an "attorney-at-law." I don't think I could be much happier than if I got a job that requires me to travel and write. That's pretty much all I wanted out of this life, guess it's quite a lot to ask for.

Fight Club got it right...

Woe is my life.

xoxo, Shantilly.

Spiralling and Rekindling

Spiralling. 

I've heard the term used far too often as of late. I've felt it before. This time was different, I knew it deep in my bones from the moment it began. It was more destructive, consuming, vicious, it brought out a side of me that even I was afraid of. I tried to tame it, mastering the art of self-counselling, trying to convince myself that everything would be okay. It wasn't. I knew it wouldn't be but I tried, out of fear, fear of my own mind. The bitterness was tainting whatever good was left within me. It disgusted me, and I fought, building up my resolve to wage in a war against myself. It was the hardest thing I've had to do, personally, thus far. The matter is still very delicate, however I think I've got some control over the reigns of my poisonous mind as of the moment. 

Whenever I hear the time "spiralling", it seems like a gradual process. It was at first. I've been through a similar situation before so I was well aware. This time it was much different, the moment it blew up, I knew. Spiralling was not what you would call this, it was more like a dismal fall from grace. Like a meaningless one night stand, hard, fast, explosive, sometimes toxic and destructive. There was no euphoria, not even a moment of it. Throughout this entire disaster, all I've been saying to myself is:

I will survive. I will endure. 

Endure I did. Survive, physically yes, but mentally, it's left a generous scar. Then came the climax, that pivotal point where it all surfaced at once. It was terrifying. I was convinced that I was going to lose it. I was horrified at the viciousness of my own mind. It wasn't a spiral, it was an ungraceful fall, everything came apart at the seams, crumbling all around me until I couldn't take it anymore. An emotional breakdown is what it felt like, the problem is, I wasn't mad at the situation anymore. I was mad at myself. Mad for being so weak, for trusting too much, caring too much, loving TOO much. Only to have it blow right back up in my face, for what? WHAT? Now I can't even get a reason. Never again. NEVER. 

Once I am breathing, I will strive to never let myself down like this again. If that makes me cynical and pessimistic, so be it. It is better than feeling like this. I've heard it before, that the mind is a tricky weapon, I'm aware. My mind, seems to take on a much darker tone in times of despair though, channelling all the pain, sadness, betrayal etc. into pure, unadulterated anger.  Vicious, unrelenting, anger and loathing. This darkness that chose to surface this time was consuming, it took me down with it and stripped me of some of the human qualities I used to hold near and dear. I hear the people that actually care say, don't let them taint your soul, you know the person you are, you're kind and loving and happy. But was I ever really? Happiness was the goal this year, but I guess that has been shot to hell. Everything that could possibly go wrong in an entire year, took place in less than a month. If someone I knew was to drop dead tomorrow, I would not even be surprised. 

That night all I wanted was the ability to shut it off, to make it stop, to end it all. Just to make it all go away. Of course being the cruel entity my mind is, this was not allowed, so I suffered. I crumbled, then after some gruelling hours of battling with myself, I stopped. I hardened. I felt it leave, just evaporate right out of my system (of course it's not completely gone but I think I made my peace). I woke with a new outlook, void of emotion. It's scary, but it's still here, I still feel this way. Emotionless. I'm not sorry though, I do believe it was more than necessary, all of it. Life is about learning and growing and I've done a lot of both through this ordeal. Maybe my mind isn't such a bad guy after all. 

There are so many songs that pertain to the situation but one that stood out in particular is that Dixie Chicks song "Not Ready to Make Nice". It sums up just about all my feelings. And though I might not be ready to make nice, I'm over it. I refuse to be weak anymore. 

And with that comes,

Rekindling.

I don't think I've gotten to that stage yet. I'm still riding out this emotionless tidal wave I caught on my way to redemption. I know though, that this is only a stepping stone to get there. First things first, I intend to make it up to myself. Get back in touch with me, the inner me, placate those treacherous thoughts that pry at my sanity. I'm trying and I won't stop until I fix myself. No one else can do it for me. This new, slightly jaded outlook I have on life right now might not go away anytime soon but I'm starting to realize that it is more than essential to survival and so, must continue to exist. The only task will be to tame it, to a more tolerable level and incorporate it into my life somehow or the other. 

The road to recovery is hard, but I'm working on it.

xoxo...Shantilly