To The One In My Thoughts Who Doesn't Deserve To Be There

I don’t know if you’ll ever see this but I need to get this off my chest. It’s been one hell of a year since I’ve known you, and you and I slipped into that pattern of destruction. It was bliss when it first began but within a few short months it was a downward spiral and I can’t remember much before that. The bad always outweighs the good – especially when you don’t know if the “good” was ever real. I will never understand why any of this had to happen. I was good to you, wasn’t I? That’s what I keep asking myself over and over when I wonder why this had to happen. Maybe at 21 I shouldn’t have been so naïve, but I believed you when you said you and her were over and you promised me that you weren’t going to go back. I believed you, because for me, things like promises are meant to be kept. I know better now. Not everyone thinks the way I do, that was my mistake. I never wanted to hurt her that’s why I told you I wouldn’t go out with you unless you were 100% sure that you weren’t going to go back, and it was completely over. Writing and reading all of this now makes me realize how incredibly predictable the situation really was, but I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, you know? I didn’t want to be one of those people that only saw the bad in people, because thinking like that is just carrying around negativity and you’ll probably miss out on a lot of great people. I always think that there’s some good even in some of the worst people but I should have seen the signs, I should’ve known that some people are everything they show you on the surface and not much more beyond that. 

Everything had to be a secret. Why? You said it was because you didn’t want to hurt her, because you both had now broken up and she would be extremely hurt to know you were seeing someone else, and again, I believed you. I went along with it, I let myself be a secret. You made me shine so bright, brighter than I had in a long while, but I didn’t even realize your darkness was casting a shadow over that light the entire time just waiting to extinguish it. It was all tainted. Tainted by your sweet little lies, lies that made me feel like I was on top of the world, like I was everything. You were everything I wanted in someone; you made me feel safe, loved, cherished, happy again, like I could do anything. You put me on top of the world and then knocked me right back off, lower than I’d ever been. You showed me the way a guy should treat me when we went out, thank you for that, I only wish it was genuine. You fight me down every single time we speak, saying it was real and I’ll believe what I want anyway, and you know what? I will. I will because I should have back then, I should have seen the red flags and heeded them. You kept it all a secret and made me do it too, and I’m still fucking doing it. I’m keeping a secret that I shouldn’t have to keep! You went back to her like I was nothing, like if everything that happened between us didn’t exist. She asked about me and you lied from the start. Why would you have to lie to her about who I was to you if you weren’t together? We did nothing wrong if that was the case. You were single and you were seeing someone else, what was the need to lie? You made me a villain without my permission. You turned my fairytale into a nightmare to protect yourself from your own misdeeds.

How could you be so cruel? What wrong did I do to deserve that? To have to live with that? To add insult to injury, you didn’t stop there, you continued to contact me even after getting back with her. Now this is where I went wrong, I know that, I should’ve never taken your calls, I should’ve just cut you off clean. With anyone else I would’ve, but there’s just something about you that got under my skin. It’s nice to feel like someone cares you know, even if it isn’t real. It’s nice to have someone to talk to, someone who understands, or at least pretends to. You try so much to convince me that it was real, that you were genuine with caring about me and understanding me, but how can I believe that? After the hand you dealt me? After promising me that it was over, and then turning the other cheek and going back to her, you decided to propose to her. No problem. This wasn’t any of my concern anymore, but why did you keep trying to call me? We hadn’t spoken in months and I was doing fine, then I accepted a few calls and I realized that nothing had changed, engaged or not, you’re just selfish, you want it all. You want her and you want me. You can’t have everything you want. I realize that you’re accustomed to getting your way, and maybe that’s why you can’t accept that you didn’t with me. I don’t know, I’ll never know. 

Now you’re engaged to be married and I thought that this year would be a new start but of course you can’t let me live in peace so you decided to come at me with this bogus offer of friendship. After much talking I’ve come to realize, with little surprise, that it wasn’t even because you wanted to be my friend for me, no, it was for you, like it always is, it’s all about you. You claim you can’t stand the guilt, and you fix everything and you can fix this if I just let you. You cannot. Not because I don’t want you to, believe me friend if anyone could come and fix this for me right now I’d let them do it, no questions asked. But this can’t be fixed, not in the conventional sense at least. Can you undo everything? Can you magically erase all the emotional turmoil and heartache I’ve felt? No amount of money or material things can “fix” this. Also, how were you going to tell her that you’re suddenly friends with this girl you claim to not have anything to do with anymore? This girl whom you said meant nothing to you and you only spoke to via messages? With more LIES, that’s how, because that seems to be the only thing you’re good at, LYING. Congratulations though, your lies got you what you wanted. You got off without a scratch, whilst I’m here trying to piece my life back together and after begging you numerous times to leave me alone, you couldn’t even do that for me. You had to weasel your way back in and fuck me up again. I can’t understand why I even feel for you, you’re not worth all this trouble, but here I am. Unable to sleep, or function like a normal human being, spiralling away into a pit of despair, guilt, anxiety and depression ridden, wondering where I went wrong. Wondering how something as simple as loving someone could’ve caused me So. Much. Pain.

I’ve made mistakes, which I can admit. I should’ve cut you off clean the moment you went back to her, but I hoped that we could’ve been friends again at that point, now, once again, I know better. We cannot be friends, you are a manipulative bastard. You only bring negativity to my life and you cannot do right by me, and as far as I can see, you can’t do right by anyone unless you decide to change your entire life. I still believe that you are capable of being a good man, I’ve seen it first hand, you just have to be that man without an agenda or an ulterior motive, be him genuinely. You truly are a remarkable human being, if you just stop playing these games, I guess the same could be said about a lot of men, but I don’t know them. I’ve gotten to know you though, well as much as you’d let me know. Maybe that’s why I love you so much, because I know the man you can be.

My feelings for you weren’t fake or temporary based on certain things, I promise you that they were real, and you took advantage of them. You managed to quite literally ruin my life in less than a year, maybe if I was stronger I wouldn’t have caved so easily, so I guess that’s also my fault but I didn’t deserve what you did to me. I didn’t. I know everyone these days thinks they deserve the world and more, I’m not so sure about that. I may not be the greatest person in the world, no one’s perfect, but I know for a fact that I didn’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve to have to feel like this, to feel like I don’t know who I am anymore, to feel like I’m lost, empty, vacant, and drowning. I didn’t deserve to feel like I’m unlovable and incapable of loving anyone else, directionless, like no matter how hard I try to pull myself out of this I won’t be able to, like it’s never going to get better. I’ve come to the point where I don’t know if I can see the good in everyone again, I’ll try to though because that’s who I knew myself to be, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust another man and anything he says, knowing how easy it is for people to lie to get what they want, I have to though, because how else will I move on, and live, and grow? You always tell me, “You’ll be fine kid,” and I believed you back then, now, not so much. I don’t even know what fine looks or feels like. I didn’t deserve to feel so angry, so betrayed, and so much hate. Hate is such a powerful word and I don’t use it that often anymore but it’s the only one I can use to describe this feeling. I hate you, I hate her, and most of all, I hate myself. I didn’t deserve any of this. 

Talking to you came so easily, I’ve told you things I wasn’t able to tell anyone else, I opened up to you in a way that shocked even me. You said that it was the same for you and you hope I don’t betray that trust, unlike you, I won’t, you can trust me. I think you know me well enough now to know that I feel things very deeply, I may not show it on the surface very often (s/o to my resting bitch face and social awkwardness for that) but I feel it all and keep it bottled up inside. You were the first person I let in so much, and you ruined me, and I’m not sure where to go from here, all I know is that I can’t have you in my life, having you here is to my own detriment. I can’t do that to myself anymore. How can I watch the man I love, love someone else? How can I watch the man I wanted to marry, marry someone else? How can you ask that of me? You don’t know the depth of the damage you did to me, but I hope this gave you some insight. It’s not because I don’t want you in my life that I refuse to have you, it’s because I can’t have you in my life, it’s not healthy. You’re not good for me. Our chapter is over, no matter how hard it will be to accept and move on, I have to. You already have your life mapped out for you, you’re set, your future is solid. I lost myself with you, and I lost you as well in the end.

I have to find the strength to find my way back now.

2 a.m. thoughts by S. R. R.