This Love/Hate Relationship

...with social media

I was thinking about it a lot recently, how much the times have changed thanks to technology. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those backward thinkers obsessed with the past and totally opposed to technology. I love technology, I will admit that I can't function normally without my phone, nothing to be proud of there but, I recently asked my little sister what our aunt's number (who we frequently call) was and she could not answer me. I was baffled then I realized it's because she never felt the need to learn it due to having it in her phone. As a child of course there were certain numbers I had to learn by heart, that aunt's number being one of them. So what happens if the phone dies in a time of crisis? Let's try to not even think about that tragedy.

Technology is such vital part of today's life it's pretty hard to imagine living without it at this point (for those of us who are fortunate enough to have access to it of course). Anyway, I'm sure you've all seen the ugly side of technology, the side that breeds a generation of entitled wimps, and bullies hiding behind their screens...Social Media, the side that incites jealousy and hatred for people we don't even know because they have more than us or "seem" to be living a better life that us, please be reminded that there's more to real life than "reel life," some of us seem to forget that (myself included at times). There's also the side that feeds our egos and enables us with visuals that only instigate our greed (confessions of an online shopaholic anyone?) and fuel discontent (because what we have is never enough, "but it's on sale!" "I need that bag even though I just bought a new one.") Now, I love fashion, clothes, shoes, bags, jewels, makeup, all of it, I love it. Nothing will change my love for it, I've loved it since I knew what dressing up was, wearing all of my mom's and aunt's heels and lipstick every chance I could get. But I've noticed that the more I see, the more access I have to it, the more discontent I am with what I already have, the more I feel like I need these new things. It's just not healthy. That's the side of technology I detest, the side that makes me feel like this, then I realize, it's all about willpower, something I surprisingly have a lot of in real life, just not when it comes to shopping unfortunately.

Anyway, I really noticed the positives lately when it comes to technology and social media in particular. Empowerment, social media is filled with so much empowering things that I've gained tremendous inspiration from, it makes me feel like I can do all the things I want to, and all those "impossible" dreams, suddenly feel very possible indeed. Amidst all the horrendous, unnecessary hate, the internet gives access to so many amazing things, it provides these social media platforms that give a voice to those who may not have had a chance before, those very same voices that inspire a large portion of people, the underground poets, writers, actors/actresses, to the future politicians and world leaders, from the smallest individual to the biggest CEO, all use some sort of social media platform. It's a fantastic outlet for small business owners to market their products/brand free of charge or at a very minuscule cost, and it's expanded the employment sector (youtubers, bloggers, viners, where y'all at?). It also provides us with a lot of insight into what's happening around the world...you know the side the news doesn't cover. It provides an entire hub of free education for those who are unaware of what's happening apart from Kim Kardashian's latest makeup look or outfit.

I think from previous posts it's evident how much I feel the need to make a difference in this world plagued by so much bad. I don't think that feeling will ever change, it's who I am, I relate to the pain of others and sometimes the burden is a bit much to bear, I just want to be able to make it a little easier for someone else. My love for makeup and fashion has always made me lean towards beauty and fashion blogging but I personally don't think I'd be able to keep up with that mainly because I spend most days in lounge clothes, no makeup and my hair tied up, so maybe there will be some of those types of posts, when I get fancy. But I don't think my blog/s will ever be totally centred on one thing because there's so many things I'm passionate about.

Back to social media, at the end of the day it's all up to you, how you use it. I think it's about time I use it for some good.

xoxo, Shantilly.

If I Were...

a month, i would be: december

a day of the week, i would be: sunday

a time of day, i would be: 4 A.M.

a planet, i would be: venus

a sea animal, i would be: a sea turtle

a direction, i would be: east

a piece of furniture, i would be: a comfy couch

a sin, i would be: envy

a liquid, i would be: chai

a stone, i would be: emerald

a tree, i would be: a poui tree

a bird, i would be: a hummingbird

a tool, i would be: a hammer

 a flower/plant, i would be: a peony

a kind of weather, i would be: rainy

a mythical creature, i would be: a unicorn

 a musical instrument, i would be: a violin

an animal, i would be: a wolf or tiger

a colour, i would be: gold

a vegetable, i would be: broccoli

a sound, i would be: the sound of rain on the roof

an element, i would be: earth

a car, i would be: a Bugatti Veyron

a song, i would be: paradise - coldplay

a movie, i would be directed by: woody allen

a book, i would be written by: paulo coelho

a food, i would be: lobster bisque or lobster risotto

a place, i would be: notting hill, london

 a material, i would be: fur (faux of course)

a taste, i would be: bittersweet

a scent, i would be: cherry blossom

a religion, i would be: hinduism

a word, i would be: soigne or nefelibata

an object, i would be: a book

a body part, i would be: collar bones

a facial expression, i would be: a smirk

a subject in school, i would be: literature

a cartoon character, i would be: angelica pickles

a shape, i would be: a heart

a number, i would be: 7

Bittersweet Thanks

This year thus far has been a bittersweet one. I haven't even blogged as much as I originally planned to. The year isn't over yet and even though it seems to have flown by way too quickly, it feels so...heavy. Despite today and tomorrow being filled with happy things (sales mainly for me), this entire year thus far has been a tough one. We don't celebrate thanksgiving where I live but of course we're aware of it so I'm going to mimic the traditional thanksgiving and highlight what I'm thankful for. It's always a good thing to acknowledge and give thanks for the things that make the sometime-ish horror that is life, worth it.

1. The Family - as overbearing and suffocating as they are sometimes, I love them more than anything in this world. 

2. My Health - which is forever failing me and costing me a fortune, I am still thankful it's not been anything too serious (knock on wood) and I'm still very much functional (physically, mentally is a different story).

3. Being able to go to school.

4. Having clean water, electricity, food and a place to live. 

5. Living in a relatively safe country - Despite the fact that we are plagued by crime, rising taxes and unemployment, and our government ministers are choosing to focus on how much the last regime spent on roti, Trinidad is still a safe, beautiful place, that thankfully isn't war-torn or falling apart...just yet)

6. My friends - the very few I have, I appreciate more than anything.

xoxo, Shantilly.

Je suis tired.

I am so tired of living in a society where violence has become a commonplace. It seems like every few months we have a new flag filter to change our profile pictures to, and endless #prayfor #jesuis etc hastags of support emerging. It's becoming so sickening. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying these things shouldn't be done, in fact, I'm extremely glad that they are being done, that this sense of togetherness and solidarity exists today in the midst of these inhumane acts of senseless terror plaguing our world. What's sickening is that we even have to do them, that these terrible acts even happen, that another human being could even think of doing something so horrible to others.

Another thing that irks me so much about these situations is that I've noticed the moment something like this happens and it goes viral, and there's an outpouring of support from the entire world, certain people feel the need to firstly point out the many other attacks across the world that didn't gain as much publicity. I understand where they're coming from, but why do you feel the need to take away from one tragedy by showing up another? (or several others as the case may be) As an individual, I try my best via my social media outlets, (mainly facebook and twitter as I feel they reach a wider audience) to bring to light all of the other issues and attacks around the world when they happen. I just find it extremely insensitive to use one tragedy just to ask people where there support was for another issue. Instead of using this passive aggressive method of raising awareness, why don't you all try doing it when the events actually occur? I know a lot of people do, myself included, but I also know a lot of people don't and they just show up when something big hits the media circus to put snide comments etc. I am very well aware of how the media works, and how biased it is, but that does not make it okay for you to make people feel like they're wrong for supporting one cause and not another (one that they probably haven't even heard about because like I mentioned, the media is biased). Instead, try raising awareness and making those attacks go viral the same way these do. I know that's easy to say and much harder to do, but it is worth a shot, and I commend all the people that do try to do this. All in all, stop being such a crappy human and adding to people's distress by telling them bullshit about not supporting other issues when they're already distraught by one.

A friend I went to school with was one of the first persons to post about the Brussels attacks this morning on facebook and I don't think I could've worded this any better than he has, so here's a direct quote:

"Is this honestly where the world is headed? Regular attacks on centres of population? Whatever the reason, random attacks on people are wrong- violence is not the answer to whatever plight you may be in, and as human beings we should not be creating situations where another group feels the need to resort to bombing an airport to express their feelings. It's on us to create a world where people are not forced into feeling like violence is their only recourse, and it is our responsibility to try to take the non-violent response. Actions such as this, Paris, 9/11, the ongoing crisis in the Middle East, all they accomplish is perpetuating this cycle of violence and hatred. Even if it's just one person, take a little time out of your day to spread a bit of kindness around, in this climate we're in right now, it really is the least we can do." - Philip Harnanan

xoxo, Shantilly.

"This Is What Happens When Determined Women Get Together"

Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy, this probably isn't a name most people are familiar with, I wasn't either until the Academy Awards of 2012. This brilliant Pakistani film-maker won the Oscar for Best Documentary (Short Subject) in 2012 for her film Saving Face which delves into the issue of acid attacks on women in Pakistan. This is a subject I was made aware of by my mother many years ago and I've researched it however it lay forgotten until Saving Face won that Oscar and I was yet again reminded of this horrific occurrence. I watched the film and needless to say, I was blown away by this film-maker's gutsy move to cover such a topic, something that countries plagued by it strive to keep hidden, and sweep under the carpet.

I did some research on Sharmeen herself and came across her amazing body of work which covers several issues plaguing the world, issues that are considered taboo, issues that people who aren't affected by them pay no mind to. If you do get the chance, you should definitely check some of these amazing films out, they might open your eyes a bit more.

The Academy Awards of 2016 saw Ms. Obaid-Chinoy win her second Oscar award in the same category as before, Best Documentary (Short Subject). According to Kate Dries, "During a night that was infamously lacking in diversity, A Girl in the River was a rare highlight." This time Sharmeen's work focused on another prominent issue of her homeland, honour killings. This is something I've spent a lot of time reading about and examining from my own point of view. Anyway, her film, A Girl In The River: The Price of Forgiveness, is quite possibly one of the most important pieces of film work in today's world.

The tells the story of Saba, an 18-year-old girl whose father and uncle attempt to kill her as a result of her marrying a man from a poorer family. This is what is defined as an "honor killing." In a twist to the tale, of course the main character can't just die, so Saba miraculously survives the shooting, and makes a vow to bring her father and uncle to justice. The laws in Pakistan prove to be a hindrance to her goal however,they state that if a victim decides to forgive the perpetrators of the crime, those disgusting individuals can walk free.

Many people may not know about it but, this particular film has made waves in Pakistan, reaching the highest of people, namely the Prime Minister. In her acceptance speech, Sharmeen said, "The Pakistani Prime Minister said he will change the law on honour killings after watching this film," she added. “That is the power of film.” Right you are Sharmeen. The Pakistani Prime Minister himself, Nawaz Sharif praised the film highly, he is quoted as saying, "We are striving to give women their rightful place in the society, both economically and politically and end all sorts of violence against them and bring the perpetrators of attacks on them to justice." These words may not seem like much to a lot of people, because they are after all, just words. But these words gave me so much hope in world tormented by so much injustice, I will hold on to them.

Saba's story is presented in an incredibly inspiring light, hopefully one that many take heed of. Apart from surviving the attack, her supporters included those male members of institutions that usually fail us as women in these circumstances, lawyers, doctors, and police officers. Unfortunately, the thing that fails her most remarkably is society itself. The pressures of society for her to forgive her father and uncle so they can keep providing for the family and community (now, I'm not even going to attempt to say how much easier any of this would've been if women weren't treated as second class citizens and allowed a chance to work etc. because that's a whole other story). We are also exposed to something that we see far too often today: the way people misinterpret Islam and the teachings of the Quran in a way that justifies some of their despicable, immoral actions. This is something that irks me to no end, but it is still quite prevalent in today's "modern" society. Also it must be noted that Saba’s acceptance of her situation (something that was incredibly difficult to do), along with her hope that it will get better for the baby she is carrying was so incredibly poignant. I'm so happy to hear that maybe Saba’s dream of a Pakistan that is safer and better for women is not so far off, and a step closer to reality thanks to this movie.

xoxo, Shantilly.

#OscarsSoWhite

This post is definitely not what you're thinking based on the title.

(from l-r) Lady Gaga in Brandon Maxwell, Olivia Wilde in Valentino Haute Couture, Rooney Mara in Givenchy, Priyanka Chopra in Zuhair Murad.

White/Off-White/Cream was definitely my favourite colour of the night at the Oscars 2016. It's not what I'd usually be drawn towards but it was a total winner for me last night. These four ladies above were my definitely favorites. 

-Lady Gaga was sleek and modern in this stunning creation by Brandon Maxwell, zero complaints here. I loved everything about her look, the structure, the drapes of the skirt and of course the fact that is was actually a pant suit. 

-Olivia Wilde was sort of a hit and miss in this Valentino Couture dress. Plunging necklines are always triky, broaching the lines of inappropriate and sexy, personally, I think she pulled it off well (most fashion critics that I read didn't think so). It's not something I would go for for The Academy Awards but I don't think it was a fashion fail, also it's very Daenerys Targaryen. 

-Now for another of my favourites, Rooney Mara, who has not missed a beat in a long, long while. Ever faithful to Givenchy, she pulls off another spectacular creation flawlessly, and can we talk about that makeup?! Perfect fresh faced look, very Audrey Hepburn, love the bold lip. The style of this dress itself is so unique, drawing from various places, the buttoning down the neckline and half way down the dress is very reminiscent of some Middle Eastern Kaftans (see Moroccan and Jordanian style), the cut-out sticks to the ever growing trend, and the lace fabric and high slit are always a classic.

-And for my absolute favourite, my bae, Priyanka Chopra. The only Indian actress present at the Oscars and I couldn't be prouder. Even better is that she's wearing one of my top 3 favourite designers who can rarely do wrong, Zuhair Murad. My girl did me proud in this stunning sheer lace gown. There's really nothing bad for me to say really, I'm still fangirling tbh.

Extremely special shout out to Derek Blasberg and Jessica Alba who both got it spot on. I am so obsessed with Derek's suit, that oxblood colour is EVERYTHING. My weakness, along with just about every other woman I know, is a well fitting suit, so Mr. Blasberg pretty much made all my dreams come true in a well fitting suit in my current favourite colour, 10/10. Jessica Alba pretty much stunned me in this Roberto Cavalli gown. I was surprised at how much I liked this dress as I usually fall hard for the embellished, couture pieces, but this chic flowing gown wowed me with its crisp simplicity and elegance.

I am so upset that I can't find a proper high resolution, full length shot of Elizabeth Banks' gorgeous Ralph & Russo couture gown. I adoreeee the cape dress trend and R & R have some of the best pieces I've ever seen, this dress is so regal, perfect Oscars material.

The whites have done it for me this year. Definitely not my colour of choice and I was taken aback by how much I liked the way these actresses rocked the white. The Oscars were definitely, so white. 

Special attention must be given to how perfect Rachel McAdams and Michael B. Jordan looked together whilst presenting. Can y'all get together and have babies now please? :D Also, big congrats to Leonardo Dicaprio who finally got his Oscar! (Though I'll never be able to stomach watching The Revenant.)

xoxo, Shantilly.

#CheersVoxBox Review!

I'm sure most of you out there know about Influenster. If not, definitely go check them out. It's a site where tons of subscribers share honest product reviews, introduce you to new products, etc and it's not just beauty based. Influenster also affords you the opportunity to be one of the people that are given the chance to review new products. I've only joined last year but I managed to qualify for the latest Vox Box, that is the #CheersVoxBox (as stated in the title). Anyway, the box contained a little treasure trove of goodies for me to review, also, they're full sized, can't go wrong there. I've always considered signing up for subscription boxes, I even have an ipsy account which seems to be one of the most popular one, but I never got around to actually subscribing for the ipsy glam bags.

So back to the #CheersVoxBox I was sent: 

- Suave Professionals Coconut Oil Infusion Damage Repair Shampoo

- Suave Professionals Coconut Oil Infusion Damage Repair Conditioner

- Dr Teal's Pure Epsom Salt Soaking Solution (Soothe & Sleep with Lavender)

- Way Better Snacks Sweet Chili Corn Tortilla Chips

- Coupon for any one Hormel Taco Meat (comes in a variety of beef, pork, or chicken) 

- Yaye App (a health and fitness app) 

- 25% off coupon for peonyandme.com 

This I pretty much what the box looks like as you open it.

Let's start firstly with a review of the Suave Professionals Shampoo & Conditioner. I have been a big fan of Suave's new line of products for a couple years now. The Moroccan infusion being the one I usually go for as I have dry, thin, hair, sometimes damaged from heat exposure (and living in a tropical climate, sometimes being out in the sun alone for too long fries my hair). I've noticed considerable change in my hair since I've started using Suave products on the whole and this one was no exception. 

I was super excited to try these products in particular because I'm a firm believer in the wonders of coconut oil (s/o to my Asian roots for that, I'm of East Indian ethnicity btw living in the Caribbean, just for reference). Ever since childhood I've known about the wonders of coconut oil, even witnessing the process of making it by my aunts and grandmother. Coconut oil has great skin and hair benefits and I try to do a homemade hot oil treatment at least twice a month on my hair. It works wonders especially whenever my hair feels extremely dry and brittle. 

I tried out this product and was not disappointed. My hair felt soft and airy and I left it to air dry instead of using a blow dryer, the results were quite noticeable. Instead of drying into a frizzy mess or just a flat dry one, my hair dried into luscious, bouncy, slightly wavy hair. I'm sure with a couple more uses I'll see even better results. Also, did I mention the heavenly scent of mild coconutty goodness? Bonus. 

10 points to Suave for these products, I'd definitely recommend these for anyone with dry, damaged hair. 

 Onto the next one!

This is Dr Teal's Pure Epsom Salt Soaking Solution. I've never used Epsom salt before or any kind of bath salt because of my incredibly sensitive skin but I decided to give this one a try out in albeit a more safe way. Foot soak! I think every woman (or man if you're into that) knows the woes of partying into the wee hours of the morning wearing sky high heels. Yes, not my best decision, yet it always seems to happen. Now, I never take my shoes off in a party or club m, but that's just me, I see may barefooted patrons all over partying the night away. So I keep my shoes on all the way till I get home then I proceed to take them off and whine and moan about the pain, blisters, and soreness.

Death by shoeicide anyone? After a hard night and finally taking off my beautiful murderers, I decided to soak my feet in some warm water and this solution. The bliss...yes, I need to buy more of this stuff. After about a half hot of soaking the worst of the pain was gone and my feet were soft and infused with the scent of lavender. Doesn't get much better than that, bring it on overpriced aromatherapy  spas *side eyes* 

I'm greatly tempted to take a bath soaked in this but I'm still skeptical about any side effects on my skin so I'll keep it at foot soak for now. And what a fantastic foot soak it is. 

Go get yourself some Dr Teal's to soothe those achy feet after dancing the night away! You can thank me after. You can purchase here or here.

Hello hello healthy yummies! I'm always in a constant battle with eating healthy and liking food that doesn't taste like grass, which is just as awful as it sounds. I pretty much scarfed this down whilst I was starving, waiting for dinner time so I'm almost sure you probably think it would taste good either way, wrong, I'm a very picky eater and even if I'm starving and something tastes bad, I won't eat it. These were surprisingly great, I'm not a big fan of sweet chili flavored snacks, that combination usually doesn't work for me but I love corn tortilla chips and the sweet chili flavour just enhanced this. So kudos to healthy snacks! Keep it up Way Better Snacks! 

I love tacos just as much as the next person but this coupon is pretty muc invalid for me considering that I don't live in the United States of America. It can be redeemed at stores that actually sell Hormel's Taco Meat, nowhere in Trinidad does -_-" 

YAYE APP 

I downloaded the app, have yet to use it though, will be editing this review when I do. It seems promising and has a lot of great reviews. It's a health and fitness app that allows you to connect with friends and family and work as a group to stay active. 

Last but certainly not least is the 25% off coupon at peonyandme.com. I scoured through the website as soon as I saw the coupon but unfortunately nothing really reached out to me. I'm very picky with what I purchase for my wardrobe, even my gym wardrobe and I personally could not see myself wearing much of the clothes from peonyandme. There were undoubtedly some cute pieces but nothing I actually felt like spending that much money on, yes, they are quite pricey, and even with 25% off, it didn't much much of a difference especially for workout clothes. My tastes lean more toward sporting brands for my gym clothes (Nike, Adidas, Under Armour). So unfortunately I won't be making much use of this coupon :( 

That's all for the reviews of the #CheersVoxBox thanks a million to Influenster for choosing me for this box! 

(Disclaimer: All products were sent for reviewing purposes.)

Xoxo, Shantilly.

To The One In My Thoughts Who Doesn't Deserve To Be There

I don’t know if you’ll ever see this but I need to get this off my chest. It’s been one hell of a year since I’ve known you, and you and I slipped into that pattern of destruction. It was bliss when it first began but within a few short months it was a downward spiral and I can’t remember much before that. The bad always outweighs the good – especially when you don’t know if the “good” was ever real. I will never understand why any of this had to happen. I was good to you, wasn’t I? That’s what I keep asking myself over and over when I wonder why this had to happen. Maybe at 21 I shouldn’t have been so naïve, but I believed you when you said you and her were over and you promised me that you weren’t going to go back. I believed you, because for me, things like promises are meant to be kept. I know better now. Not everyone thinks the way I do, that was my mistake. I never wanted to hurt her that’s why I told you I wouldn’t go out with you unless you were 100% sure that you weren’t going to go back, and it was completely over. Writing and reading all of this now makes me realize how incredibly predictable the situation really was, but I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, you know? I didn’t want to be one of those people that only saw the bad in people, because thinking like that is just carrying around negativity and you’ll probably miss out on a lot of great people. I always think that there’s some good even in some of the worst people but I should have seen the signs, I should’ve known that some people are everything they show you on the surface and not much more beyond that. 

Everything had to be a secret. Why? You said it was because you didn’t want to hurt her, because you both had now broken up and she would be extremely hurt to know you were seeing someone else, and again, I believed you. I went along with it, I let myself be a secret. You made me shine so bright, brighter than I had in a long while, but I didn’t even realize your darkness was casting a shadow over that light the entire time just waiting to extinguish it. It was all tainted. Tainted by your sweet little lies, lies that made me feel like I was on top of the world, like I was everything. You were everything I wanted in someone; you made me feel safe, loved, cherished, happy again, like I could do anything. You put me on top of the world and then knocked me right back off, lower than I’d ever been. You showed me the way a guy should treat me when we went out, thank you for that, I only wish it was genuine. You fight me down every single time we speak, saying it was real and I’ll believe what I want anyway, and you know what? I will. I will because I should have back then, I should have seen the red flags and heeded them. You kept it all a secret and made me do it too, and I’m still fucking doing it. I’m keeping a secret that I shouldn’t have to keep! You went back to her like I was nothing, like if everything that happened between us didn’t exist. She asked about me and you lied from the start. Why would you have to lie to her about who I was to you if you weren’t together? We did nothing wrong if that was the case. You were single and you were seeing someone else, what was the need to lie? You made me a villain without my permission. You turned my fairytale into a nightmare to protect yourself from your own misdeeds.

How could you be so cruel? What wrong did I do to deserve that? To have to live with that? To add insult to injury, you didn’t stop there, you continued to contact me even after getting back with her. Now this is where I went wrong, I know that, I should’ve never taken your calls, I should’ve just cut you off clean. With anyone else I would’ve, but there’s just something about you that got under my skin. It’s nice to feel like someone cares you know, even if it isn’t real. It’s nice to have someone to talk to, someone who understands, or at least pretends to. You try so much to convince me that it was real, that you were genuine with caring about me and understanding me, but how can I believe that? After the hand you dealt me? After promising me that it was over, and then turning the other cheek and going back to her, you decided to propose to her. No problem. This wasn’t any of my concern anymore, but why did you keep trying to call me? We hadn’t spoken in months and I was doing fine, then I accepted a few calls and I realized that nothing had changed, engaged or not, you’re just selfish, you want it all. You want her and you want me. You can’t have everything you want. I realize that you’re accustomed to getting your way, and maybe that’s why you can’t accept that you didn’t with me. I don’t know, I’ll never know. 

Now you’re engaged to be married and I thought that this year would be a new start but of course you can’t let me live in peace so you decided to come at me with this bogus offer of friendship. After much talking I’ve come to realize, with little surprise, that it wasn’t even because you wanted to be my friend for me, no, it was for you, like it always is, it’s all about you. You claim you can’t stand the guilt, and you fix everything and you can fix this if I just let you. You cannot. Not because I don’t want you to, believe me friend if anyone could come and fix this for me right now I’d let them do it, no questions asked. But this can’t be fixed, not in the conventional sense at least. Can you undo everything? Can you magically erase all the emotional turmoil and heartache I’ve felt? No amount of money or material things can “fix” this. Also, how were you going to tell her that you’re suddenly friends with this girl you claim to not have anything to do with anymore? This girl whom you said meant nothing to you and you only spoke to via messages? With more LIES, that’s how, because that seems to be the only thing you’re good at, LYING. Congratulations though, your lies got you what you wanted. You got off without a scratch, whilst I’m here trying to piece my life back together and after begging you numerous times to leave me alone, you couldn’t even do that for me. You had to weasel your way back in and fuck me up again. I can’t understand why I even feel for you, you’re not worth all this trouble, but here I am. Unable to sleep, or function like a normal human being, spiralling away into a pit of despair, guilt, anxiety and depression ridden, wondering where I went wrong. Wondering how something as simple as loving someone could’ve caused me So. Much. Pain.

I’ve made mistakes, which I can admit. I should’ve cut you off clean the moment you went back to her, but I hoped that we could’ve been friends again at that point, now, once again, I know better. We cannot be friends, you are a manipulative bastard. You only bring negativity to my life and you cannot do right by me, and as far as I can see, you can’t do right by anyone unless you decide to change your entire life. I still believe that you are capable of being a good man, I’ve seen it first hand, you just have to be that man without an agenda or an ulterior motive, be him genuinely. You truly are a remarkable human being, if you just stop playing these games, I guess the same could be said about a lot of men, but I don’t know them. I’ve gotten to know you though, well as much as you’d let me know. Maybe that’s why I love you so much, because I know the man you can be.

My feelings for you weren’t fake or temporary based on certain things, I promise you that they were real, and you took advantage of them. You managed to quite literally ruin my life in less than a year, maybe if I was stronger I wouldn’t have caved so easily, so I guess that’s also my fault but I didn’t deserve what you did to me. I didn’t. I know everyone these days thinks they deserve the world and more, I’m not so sure about that. I may not be the greatest person in the world, no one’s perfect, but I know for a fact that I didn’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve to have to feel like this, to feel like I don’t know who I am anymore, to feel like I’m lost, empty, vacant, and drowning. I didn’t deserve to feel like I’m unlovable and incapable of loving anyone else, directionless, like no matter how hard I try to pull myself out of this I won’t be able to, like it’s never going to get better. I’ve come to the point where I don’t know if I can see the good in everyone again, I’ll try to though because that’s who I knew myself to be, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust another man and anything he says, knowing how easy it is for people to lie to get what they want, I have to though, because how else will I move on, and live, and grow? You always tell me, “You’ll be fine kid,” and I believed you back then, now, not so much. I don’t even know what fine looks or feels like. I didn’t deserve to feel so angry, so betrayed, and so much hate. Hate is such a powerful word and I don’t use it that often anymore but it’s the only one I can use to describe this feeling. I hate you, I hate her, and most of all, I hate myself. I didn’t deserve any of this. 

Talking to you came so easily, I’ve told you things I wasn’t able to tell anyone else, I opened up to you in a way that shocked even me. You said that it was the same for you and you hope I don’t betray that trust, unlike you, I won’t, you can trust me. I think you know me well enough now to know that I feel things very deeply, I may not show it on the surface very often (s/o to my resting bitch face and social awkwardness for that) but I feel it all and keep it bottled up inside. You were the first person I let in so much, and you ruined me, and I’m not sure where to go from here, all I know is that I can’t have you in my life, having you here is to my own detriment. I can’t do that to myself anymore. How can I watch the man I love, love someone else? How can I watch the man I wanted to marry, marry someone else? How can you ask that of me? You don’t know the depth of the damage you did to me, but I hope this gave you some insight. It’s not because I don’t want you in my life that I refuse to have you, it’s because I can’t have you in my life, it’s not healthy. You’re not good for me. Our chapter is over, no matter how hard it will be to accept and move on, I have to. You already have your life mapped out for you, you’re set, your future is solid. I lost myself with you, and I lost you as well in the end.

I have to find the strength to find my way back now.

2 a.m. thoughts by S. R. R.