Spiralling.
I've heard the term used far too often as of late. I've felt it before. This time was different, I knew it deep in my bones from the moment it began. It was more destructive, consuming, vicious, it brought out a side of me that even I was afraid of. I tried to tame it, mastering the art of self-counselling, trying to convince myself that everything would be okay. It wasn't. I knew it wouldn't be but I tried, out of fear, fear of my own mind. The bitterness was tainting whatever good was left within me. It disgusted me, and I fought, building up my resolve to wage in a war against myself. It was the hardest thing I've had to do, personally, thus far. The matter is still very delicate, however I think I've got some control over the reigns of my poisonous mind as of the moment.
Whenever I hear the time "spiralling", it seems like a gradual process. It was at first. I've been through a similar situation before so I was well aware. This time it was much different, the moment it blew up, I knew. Spiralling was not what you would call this, it was more like a dismal fall from grace. Like a meaningless one night stand, hard, fast, explosive, sometimes toxic and destructive. There was no euphoria, not even a moment of it. Throughout this entire disaster, all I've been saying to myself is:
I will survive. I will endure.
Endure I did. Survive, physically yes, but mentally, it's left a generous scar. Then came the climax, that pivotal point where it all surfaced at once. It was terrifying. I was convinced that I was going to lose it. I was horrified at the viciousness of my own mind. It wasn't a spiral, it was an ungraceful fall, everything came apart at the seams, crumbling all around me until I couldn't take it anymore. An emotional breakdown is what it felt like, the problem is, I wasn't mad at the situation anymore. I was mad at myself. Mad for being so weak, for trusting too much, caring too much, loving TOO much. Only to have it blow right back up in my face, for what? WHAT? Now I can't even get a reason. Never again. NEVER.
Once I am breathing, I will strive to never let myself down like this again. If that makes me cynical and pessimistic, so be it. It is better than feeling like this. I've heard it before, that the mind is a tricky weapon, I'm aware. My mind, seems to take on a much darker tone in times of despair though, channelling all the pain, sadness, betrayal etc. into pure, unadulterated anger. Vicious, unrelenting, anger and loathing. This darkness that chose to surface this time was consuming, it took me down with it and stripped me of some of the human qualities I used to hold near and dear. I hear the people that actually care say, don't let them taint your soul, you know the person you are, you're kind and loving and happy. But was I ever really? Happiness was the goal this year, but I guess that has been shot to hell. Everything that could possibly go wrong in an entire year, took place in less than a month. If someone I knew was to drop dead tomorrow, I would not even be surprised.
That night all I wanted was the ability to shut it off, to make it stop, to end it all. Just to make it all go away. Of course being the cruel entity my mind is, this was not allowed, so I suffered. I crumbled, then after some gruelling hours of battling with myself, I stopped. I hardened. I felt it leave, just evaporate right out of my system (of course it's not completely gone but I think I made my peace). I woke with a new outlook, void of emotion. It's scary, but it's still here, I still feel this way. Emotionless. I'm not sorry though, I do believe it was more than necessary, all of it. Life is about learning and growing and I've done a lot of both through this ordeal. Maybe my mind isn't such a bad guy after all.
There are so many songs that pertain to the situation but one that stood out in particular is that Dixie Chicks song "Not Ready to Make Nice". It sums up just about all my feelings. And though I might not be ready to make nice, I'm over it. I refuse to be weak anymore.
And with that comes,
Rekindling.
I don't think I've gotten to that stage yet. I'm still riding out this emotionless tidal wave I caught on my way to redemption. I know though, that this is only a stepping stone to get there. First things first, I intend to make it up to myself. Get back in touch with me, the inner me, placate those treacherous thoughts that pry at my sanity. I'm trying and I won't stop until I fix myself. No one else can do it for me. This new, slightly jaded outlook I have on life right now might not go away anytime soon but I'm starting to realize that it is more than essential to survival and so, must continue to exist. The only task will be to tame it, to a more tolerable level and incorporate it into my life somehow or the other.
The road to recovery is hard, but I'm working on it.
xoxo...Shantilly
