This past week has changed my life so much, I'm not sure I've really grasped it all yet, it's still sinking in. Rewind to the week before, I got an email back from one of the magazines I emailed about an internship, asking me to come in for an interview. In that moment, I couldn't even believe it, the opportunity was too good to pass up, especially after being shut down by everyone after hearing my ambition to be a journalist, furthermore, a fashion journalist. After a series of dramatic events, and a lot of begging, I finally got to go to the interview. Of course on the morning itself, the nerves kicked in, but I refused to let that make me lose this chance, so I sucked it up and did the best I could...and got the job :D
My first job ever, at a fashion magazine, it doesn't matter to me that the publication is still fairly small and trying to fight its way up, I think it's better that way, to start small, gaining experience in all the basics. That's just the thing about being an intern, I'm exposed to every aspect of producing the magazine and I couldn't be more thankful. Of course, the first week was a bit rough, but by yesterday, I was thanking my lucky stars for this opportunity. In this short time, I've met so many amazing, hard-working people, and I'm more motivated and inspired than ever to shoot for the dream that I almost gave up on.
I wrote a review on CAFD's Fashion Show held at Hilton on Sunday 30th June and brought it in on Monday, it definitely wasn't my best work, but I gave it to my editor and CEO anyway and they actually liked it. I couldn't have been more shocked and ecstatic, I asked for another day to tweak it and bring it back and they agreed, so now it's going to be published in this issue of the magazine. I don't think that fact has fully set in with me yet, I think it might after it ctually materializes. I still think it isn't my best work but it is definitely something I'm incredibly proud of achieving. All of it in fact, writing up my resume, deciding to enquire about an internship, getting the job, it's a very liberating feeling, knowing I did all of this on my own, even after having little to no support, and after a very rough start to the year. It's rewarding, and I'm so SO thankful for this once in a lifetime chance for me, it could kickstart my career and change my life more than anything, so even if it might get tough at times, I'm just keeping that in mind at all times.
xoxo...Shantilly
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Friday, April 26, 2013
Spiralling and Rekindling
Friday, April 26, 2013
Spiralling.
I've heard the term used far too often as of late. I've felt it before. This time was different, I knew it deep in my bones from the moment it began. It was more destructive, consuming, vicious, it brought out a side of me that even I was afraid of. I tried to tame it, mastering the art of self-counselling, trying to convince myself that everything would be okay. It wasn't. I knew it wouldn't be but I tried, out of fear, fear of my own mind. The bitterness was tainting whatever good was left within me. It disgusted me, and I fought, building up my resolve to wage in a war against myself. It was the hardest thing I've had to do, personally, thus far. The matter is still very delicate, however I think I've got some control over the reigns of my poisonous mind as of the moment.
Whenever I hear the time "spiralling", it seems like a gradual process. It was at first. I've been through a similar situation before so I was well aware. This time it was much different, the moment it blew up, I knew. Spiralling was not what you would call this, it was more like a dismal fall from grace. Like a meaningless one night stand, hard, fast, explosive, sometimes toxic and destructive. There was no euphoria, not even a moment of it. Throughout this entire disaster, all I've been saying to myself is:
I will survive. I will endure.
Endure I did. Survive, physically yes, but mentally, it's left a generous scar. Then came the climax, that pivotal point where it all surfaced at once. It was terrifying. I was convinced that I was going to lose it. I was horrified at the viciousness of my own mind. It wasn't a spiral, it was an ungraceful fall, everything came apart at the seams, crumbling all around me until I couldn't take it anymore. An emotional breakdown is what it felt like, the problem is, I wasn't mad at the situation anymore. I was mad at myself. Mad for being so weak, for trusting too much, caring too much, loving TOO much. Only to have it blow right back up in my face, for what? WHAT? Now I can't even get a reason. Never again. NEVER.
Once I am breathing, I will strive to never let myself down like this again. If that makes me cynical and pessimistic, so be it. It is better than feeling like this. I've heard it before, that the mind is a tricky weapon, I'm aware. My mind, seems to take on a much darker tone in times of despair though, channelling all the pain, sadness, betrayal etc. into pure, unadulterated anger. Vicious, unrelenting, anger and loathing. This darkness that chose to surface this time was consuming, it took me down with it and stripped me of some of the human qualities I used to hold near and dear. I hear the people that actually care say, don't let them taint your soul, you know the person you are, you're kind and loving and happy. But was I ever really? Happiness was the goal this year, but I guess that has been shot to hell. Everything that could possibly go wrong in an entire year, took place in less than a month. If someone I knew was to drop dead tomorrow, I would not even be surprised.
That night all I wanted was the ability to shut it off, to make it stop, to end it all. Just to make it all go away. Of course being the cruel entity my mind is, this was not allowed, so I suffered. I crumbled, then after some gruelling hours of battling with myself, I stopped. I hardened. I felt it leave, just evaporate right out of my system (of course it's not completely gone but I think I made my peace). I woke with a new outlook, void of emotion. It's scary, but it's still here, I still feel this way. Emotionless. I'm not sorry though, I do believe it was more than necessary, all of it. Life is about learning and growing and I've done a lot of both through this ordeal. Maybe my mind isn't such a bad guy after all.
There are so many songs that pertain to the situation but one that stood out in particular is that Dixie Chicks song "Not Ready to Make Nice". It sums up just about all my feelings. And though I might not be ready to make nice, I'm over it. I refuse to be weak anymore.
And with that comes,
Rekindling.
I don't think I've gotten to that stage yet. I'm still riding out this emotionless tidal wave I caught on my way to redemption. I know though, that this is only a stepping stone to get there. First things first, I intend to make it up to myself. Get back in touch with me, the inner me, placate those treacherous thoughts that pry at my sanity. I'm trying and I won't stop until I fix myself. No one else can do it for me. This new, slightly jaded outlook I have on life right now might not go away anytime soon but I'm starting to realize that it is more than essential to survival and so, must continue to exist. The only task will be to tame it, to a more tolerable level and incorporate it into my life somehow or the other.
The road to recovery is hard, but I'm working on it.
xoxo...Shantilly
I've heard the term used far too often as of late. I've felt it before. This time was different, I knew it deep in my bones from the moment it began. It was more destructive, consuming, vicious, it brought out a side of me that even I was afraid of. I tried to tame it, mastering the art of self-counselling, trying to convince myself that everything would be okay. It wasn't. I knew it wouldn't be but I tried, out of fear, fear of my own mind. The bitterness was tainting whatever good was left within me. It disgusted me, and I fought, building up my resolve to wage in a war against myself. It was the hardest thing I've had to do, personally, thus far. The matter is still very delicate, however I think I've got some control over the reigns of my poisonous mind as of the moment.
Whenever I hear the time "spiralling", it seems like a gradual process. It was at first. I've been through a similar situation before so I was well aware. This time it was much different, the moment it blew up, I knew. Spiralling was not what you would call this, it was more like a dismal fall from grace. Like a meaningless one night stand, hard, fast, explosive, sometimes toxic and destructive. There was no euphoria, not even a moment of it. Throughout this entire disaster, all I've been saying to myself is:
I will survive. I will endure.
Endure I did. Survive, physically yes, but mentally, it's left a generous scar. Then came the climax, that pivotal point where it all surfaced at once. It was terrifying. I was convinced that I was going to lose it. I was horrified at the viciousness of my own mind. It wasn't a spiral, it was an ungraceful fall, everything came apart at the seams, crumbling all around me until I couldn't take it anymore. An emotional breakdown is what it felt like, the problem is, I wasn't mad at the situation anymore. I was mad at myself. Mad for being so weak, for trusting too much, caring too much, loving TOO much. Only to have it blow right back up in my face, for what? WHAT? Now I can't even get a reason. Never again. NEVER.
Once I am breathing, I will strive to never let myself down like this again. If that makes me cynical and pessimistic, so be it. It is better than feeling like this. I've heard it before, that the mind is a tricky weapon, I'm aware. My mind, seems to take on a much darker tone in times of despair though, channelling all the pain, sadness, betrayal etc. into pure, unadulterated anger. Vicious, unrelenting, anger and loathing. This darkness that chose to surface this time was consuming, it took me down with it and stripped me of some of the human qualities I used to hold near and dear. I hear the people that actually care say, don't let them taint your soul, you know the person you are, you're kind and loving and happy. But was I ever really? Happiness was the goal this year, but I guess that has been shot to hell. Everything that could possibly go wrong in an entire year, took place in less than a month. If someone I knew was to drop dead tomorrow, I would not even be surprised.
That night all I wanted was the ability to shut it off, to make it stop, to end it all. Just to make it all go away. Of course being the cruel entity my mind is, this was not allowed, so I suffered. I crumbled, then after some gruelling hours of battling with myself, I stopped. I hardened. I felt it leave, just evaporate right out of my system (of course it's not completely gone but I think I made my peace). I woke with a new outlook, void of emotion. It's scary, but it's still here, I still feel this way. Emotionless. I'm not sorry though, I do believe it was more than necessary, all of it. Life is about learning and growing and I've done a lot of both through this ordeal. Maybe my mind isn't such a bad guy after all.
There are so many songs that pertain to the situation but one that stood out in particular is that Dixie Chicks song "Not Ready to Make Nice". It sums up just about all my feelings. And though I might not be ready to make nice, I'm over it. I refuse to be weak anymore.
And with that comes,
Rekindling.
I don't think I've gotten to that stage yet. I'm still riding out this emotionless tidal wave I caught on my way to redemption. I know though, that this is only a stepping stone to get there. First things first, I intend to make it up to myself. Get back in touch with me, the inner me, placate those treacherous thoughts that pry at my sanity. I'm trying and I won't stop until I fix myself. No one else can do it for me. This new, slightly jaded outlook I have on life right now might not go away anytime soon but I'm starting to realize that it is more than essential to survival and so, must continue to exist. The only task will be to tame it, to a more tolerable level and incorporate it into my life somehow or the other.
The road to recovery is hard, but I'm working on it.
xoxo...Shantilly
Friday, February 22, 2013
It's Carnival in T&T!
Friday, February 22, 2013
One of the things my beautiful little island is most famous, is more than likely our annual 2 day carnival celebrations which usually take place in either the months of February or March. This year it occurred on the 11th and 12th of February. Safe to say, most people didn't even think about Valentine's day before the evening of the 13th. Lately I've been having random bursts of pride in my country, and carnival is one of those occasions this year that really opened my eyes to what we have to offer as a unified people. Just looking at all the work and preparation that goes into the build up to this event, is really something to be proud of, it also happens to showcase some of the amazing talent our country has, in terms of designers, photographers, choreographers etc. The celebrations start on the Monday morning with J'ouvert which is a giant festival on the streets containing a lot of body paint and so on, I genuinely don't know how to really put it into words(shame on me) but this is mainly due to the fact that I'm aware of what it is, and I have been aware since childhood, so I've never really thought about describing it in eloquent terms and words.
Tuesday however, is the real deal, a complete carnage of colour, festivity, heritage, talent and all round good vibes. Parade of the Bands, or as I see it, a giant fashion show, in which we see each band showcasing the results of their hard work and dedication for all to see. It's the perfect example of expressing our island roots and telling a story as they use the roads of our capital city, Port of Spain, as their runway, all the while moving to the beat of our local superstars. And let me just say, seeing this, just SEEING, fills me with a sense of pride and brings about such a feeling of euphoria that's really hard to shake off. The beauty and ingenuity is stunning, seeing the mix of people that make up our island (and foreigners as well of course) blending together and having a blast, is just something that gives an indescribable feeling, every single person adds something unique to the costumes they don, and bring them to life.
Here's a few photos from one of our own local photographers, whom I feel captured the feeling of every moment perfectly.
More here at Lyden Thomas Photography
(DO NOT STEAL PHOTOS OR REMOVE WATERMARKS)
The photo of the woman holding up what looks like a baby(it is supposed to be a baby) is from the band, MacFarlane Mas, credit for all of the creative genius work goes to, Brian MacFarlene. This was his final showcase for mas in Trinidad called, "Joy - The Finale", and it was one of the most amazing things I've ever seen, the performance was on point, absolutely fantastic and left me awestruck. It won the title of "Band of the Year", most definitely deserving of it as well. Another band that came in a close second to Mr. MacFarlene's performance, to me, is Ronnie and Caro Mas, their performance and costumes this year was just spectacular!
Of course I'm not saying anyone else's weren't as great because to be honest, everyone was a winner this year, the energy was electric and contagious. Or, maybe I'm just being a bit biased as well because I came into 2013 with a completely different mindset, and I feel like it's the first time I'm truly seeing everything. Either way, it was during these events that I had one of those rare moments of clarity, an epiphany perhaps, and I felt as though whatever was missing, suddenly came together. It's nice to watch yourself grow and observe life through a different lens sometimes.
xoxo...Shantilly
Monday, February 11, 2013
NYC Lovin'
Monday, February 11, 2013
New York City is by far one of my favourite places in the world, and always has been since I've been visiting family there as a child. Eveyrthing about it is exhilarating to me, the streetstyle, the fashion, the mixture of cultures, the rich heritage, the arts, the sights, fashion, music, the shopping, the nightlife and of course, the city lights.
Last summer I finally did the whole tourist experience of the city, which I'd somehow missed out on in my prior visits there. We stayed at a hotel and did the typical touristy things, Empire State Building, MoMA, Fifth Avenue, Times Square, Bryant Park, and so on...however, I wanted to do a lot more, my parents weren't so accommodating to all my demands though. Definitely wish I had seen this cute magazine page-like guide before I went though. There's always a next time :)
Last summer I finally did the whole tourist experience of the city, which I'd somehow missed out on in my prior visits there. We stayed at a hotel and did the typical touristy things, Empire State Building, MoMA, Fifth Avenue, Times Square, Bryant Park, and so on...however, I wanted to do a lot more, my parents weren't so accommodating to all my demands though. Definitely wish I had seen this cute magazine page-like guide before I went though. There's always a next time :)
(photo via tumblr.com)
xoxo...Shantilly
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Put that Spring in your step
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Spring isn't my favourite season (those honours go to a very close race between fall and winter), however, I LOVE spring colours, the brights and patterns. I got inspiration for this post from the upcoming line of sneakers by Keds in collaboration with Kate Spade New York, set to release in February 2013.
(via teenvogue.com)
Aren't they cute?! I love the plain pink ones, the stripes and the chevron, hopefully I get to snag myself a pair. There are so many other things that make spring fun also, like Easter (and the colour palette that comes with it), flowers (new beginnings) and my birthday of course! ^_^
I know I'll basically be in the middle/end of the semester during this time, which is the most hectic, hence, I end up hating it, so before that occurs here are a few things that just screamed spring to me...
(via tumblr.com)
(both via cocokelley.com)
(via fashionfinder.asos.com)
(via usmagazine.com)
(via pinterest.com)
(via pinterest.com)
xoxo, Shantilly...
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
More Olympia Le Tan Love
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
So as evident in my previous posts, I absolutely ADORE Olympia Le Tan's book clutches. They're just so beautiful and you can really see the hard work put into each and every one, I don't think I'd even use it if I got one, I'd just keep it as a souvenir and bask in it's perfection.The price tag for one is quite hefty though, so until I'm raking in the bucks, I'll just have to feast my eyes. That, however, is proving to be quite difficult, especially with this new release scheduled for release in February 2013.
(via olympialetan.com)
It's the limited edition "Rouge in Love" book clutch by Olympia Le Tan for Lancôme, an added bonus is that it's filled with lipsticks and nailpolish! *sigh* isn't it pretty? And...PINK! Love love love...
xoxo, Shantilly.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
The thing about Resolutions...
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
If I were to make any for this year, these would be right on point:
via (matchbookmag)
Matchbook Mag just seems to know me too well, similarly like all things Kate Spade. Check out their website, it's just brill!
xoxo...Shantilly