Goodbye 2015.

1 day...

2015...goddamn 2015, it was a hell of a year, an actual rollercoaster ride, but not the fun ones. You know the ones that keep going in loops, and you want to throw up and you keep begging to get off but it won't stop? Yeah, that kind. Anyway, 2015 has been a big year for everyone, a year of man-buns, continuation of the social media rage, ISIS, The Weeknd, vines, fuckboys, life-hacks, and of course...lessons. 2015 has definitely taught me some valuable lessons, as every year does, but I feel like this year something's changed.

I no longer make resolutions (but does marrying a Sheikh count for 2016?) anyway, I have goals, 2013 : happiness, 2014 : growth, 2015 : balance. Now, let me say upfront, I have failed magnificently at my 2015 goal, my balance was SO off, it's shameful really. I'm not sure I have a goal for 2016 yet, hopefully by the end of this post I do. 

2015 has taught me:

1. I am a control freak, no really, and my control-freakness is one of my greatest downfalls because you can't control everything. You see, things spiralled way out of my control this year and I was completely unable to cope with my "failures." This needs to be fixed, or...controlled.

2. Sometimes good people make bad decisions. You can't fix everyone and everything. Sometimes you're put into someone's life only for a short time and it's up to you to make an impact, a good impact. I hope I did. 

3. Some friendships/relationships can be rekindled and picked up right where they left off before things went bad, whereas others not so much.

4. Sometimes even when you lay all your cards on the table and everything is laid bare, you still can't anticipate what you're getting yourself into. Nothing's ever a sure thing, people are fickle and they will let you down.

5. You can no longer pull all nighters and study the night before your exams. Your second degree requires way more work and dedication. Stop your bullshit please, we need this law degree boo. Let your shortcomings be your motivation.

6. Fuckboys, fuckboys everywhere (to be fair, fuckgirls too). Relationships and love have become such fragile things, people give in to their vices so easily, they lie flawlessly to the people they claim to "love," they break other people without giving a second thought, all in the name of selfishness. "I deserve this, I deserve that," no, what you deserve is a really hard slap or two. 

7. Not everyone that says they love you, mean it. "Those three words are said too much, but not enough," one of my favourite lines from one of my favourite songs, it has a much deeper meaning now. 

8. Failure is not the end of the world. You can get up and try again. "So what? You failed your finals. You gained some weight. So what? You're single again. You lost your job. So what? What now? You live. You try again. That's what."

9. When the world feel like it's going to end and everyone and everything is against you, there will always be your mother's arms. I've realized this year the truth to the statement, "My mother taught me everything except how to live without her." I love you ma. 

10. You are always capable of loving again, and again. I don't have enough fingers to count how many times I've broken down this year and said, "I have nothing left to give anyone," and I truly feel it in those moments of despair but, no matter how broken you think you are, there is always some love left to give.

Drawing by my incredibly talented oompaloompa Maryam Mohammed.

I wish you all the best for 2016. I hope you have a safe, healthy, and happy one, filled with lots of love and magic.

-Neil Gaiman

xoxo, Shantilly.

Christmas Q&A with me!

It certainly is the most wonderful time of the year, Christmas is my favourite season of the year. I love everything about it, especially Christmas trees <3 nbsp="" p="">

1. What is your favourite Christmas movie/s?

Love Actually. Every single time, once this movie is on, I will not move, I absolutely adore it. (The Grinch comes in at a close second)

2. Do you open presents on Christmas Eve or Christmas Morning?

Christmas morning with the fam. Lately that hasn't happened considering I order my own presents now and everyone pretty much asks for what they want so it's no longer fun, or a surprise.

3. Do you have a favourite Christmas memory?

Several, many of which revolve around my belief in Santa Claus till I was around 7. My parents seamlessly fulfilled all "Santa" duties and not once did I question how the presents got under the tree even after "I fell asleep after 12!" or the fact that living in the Caribbean means we don't have a chimney. I think those memories of waking up on Christmas morning and opening presents and just believing in the magic of it all is what will forever stand as my favourite Christmas memory.


4. Favourite festive food?

Turkey. I love turkey. (For those who know me "I like chicken" but at Christmas, "I like turkey.") Oh, and my mom's freshly baked bread.

5. Favourite Christmas gift?

This is of course not an easy one to answer, I've had 21 years of pretty great Christmas presents but I still think the giant dollhouse I got when I was around 5-6 wins out of all the presents I've received over the years.

6. Favourite Christmas scent?

Cinnamon apple pie. Cinnamon on the whole really, it's my favourite spice and it's so comforting and very Christmas-y.

7. Do you have any Christmas Eve traditions?

Does waking until 12 to see Santa count? Pretty sure it does, anyway, since I don't do that anymore, I bake my turkey on Christmas Eve night into Christmas morning so one hassle is done, also, a lot of last minute baking with my mom.

8. What tops your tree?

I've had like 3 different Christmas trees in my entire lifetime, not big ones unfortunately and it's usually either a star or a red bow because anything bigger will probably cause the poor tree to bend. I patiently await the day I can have a tree angel.

9. As a kid what was the one (crazy, wild, extravagant) gift you always asked for and never received?

Honestly, my Christmas list always consisted of Barbies as a child, all different types of them, so most of the time those wishes were fulfilled. I think the crazy, wild, extravagant gift thing kicked in when I was way older, and that would be a Hermes Birkin :'(

Meet my dream Birkin.

10. What's the best part of Christmas for you?

Would it be horrible if I said the food? Either way, it's the food. It used to be the presents but as mentioned before, that doesn't stand anymore. It's the whole season really, the festiveness of it, something about it just brings happiness everywhere, the lights, the colour, the overspending... The Magic.

I much rather a foreign Christmas in a land where it actually snows and feels like Christmas but I must admit, our very own Trini Christmas has a charm of it's own with it's parang music, black cake. pastelles, and ponche de creme. A Trini Christmas is definitely something special.

I hope you and yours have a very Merry Christmas!

xoxo, Shantilly.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Where I'm from we don't celebrate thanksgiving, but I do love the idea of what it represents, in terms of acknowledging all the things we're grateful for. I always say grateful is everything and it's something I always keep in mind, to be thankful for all the things I've been blessed with, and lately with everything that's been happening I felt like taking the time to acknowledge all these things was fairly appropriate.

I won't even try to lie when I say I may come off as pretty ungrateful sometimes. I try hard not to be but I guess that has a lot to do with the materialistic side of me who tends to love all things I can't afford and it sends me spiraling into a state of anger and brattiness. Anyway, at the end of the day I think we all know it's not the material things that count so much as the little things we take for granted. I have so much to be thankful for and I am incredibly humbled when I take note of them. 

1. My parents, who have worked tirelessly to ensure that my sister and I never have to want for anything, for giving us an upbringing we are proud of, for pushing us constantly to succeed academically and in every other aspect of life so we can do the same for our own children when the time comes, and last but certainly not least, for loving us unconditionally.

2. My sister, who I STILL frequently fight with (despite us being 22 and 15 respectively), we may fight relentlessly and say things we don't mean almost every single day but I can't imagine my life without her. 

3. My education, which is something I am ever proud of, something that no one can ever take away from me. I'm all too aware that not everyone is given the opportunity to acquire an education. 

4. My friends, they may be few in number but infinite in character.

5. Last but not least, life. I am thankful for being alive today because there were many times when I thought I wouldn't make it to where I am now. I am thankful for being in good health and being able to live a life that a lot of people would give anything to have, one free of suffering and worries, and I mean REAL problems like wondering where I'll sleep at night, or where my next meal is coming from, or if I'll go to bed and wake up to my house being bombed, problems that so many people around the world are facing right now. I am thankful for the life I've been blessed with, and to those not so fortunate, I pray every single day that you get some relief, and whatever God you pray to, smiles down on you. 

xoxo, Shantilly. 

Friday the 13th

Just as I was actually putting together a post much lighter than my previous one, today happened.

And if you're not sure about what happened today just search the hashtags #PrayforParis #ParisAttacks #PrayforLebanon #PrayforJapan #PrayforBaghdad (P.S. I hope everyone posting these actually does say a prayer) 

I have SO much to say about this but I'm way too overwhelmed to do it right now so I leave you with what I think we should all be doing right now.

xoxo, Shantilly.

The Human Condition

"I see humans but no humanity."

That's a phrase I've come to identify with way too often in my short lifetime. It makes me feel sick to my stomach when I think about the things that make me identify with it. Humans, human cruelty, there's none quite like it. I think about the wars, the suffering people all over the world, the unspeakable cruelty some are subjected to at the hands of others, the depraved and wounded, and I feel for them, all of them. 

I've come to realize quite early on that I feel things quite deeply compared to other people, things that aren't even remotely related to me, I find that connection and I relate to it and feel it like if it were me or someone I knew and loved. That's the mark of the creative people isn't it? More like a curse, but it is what propels us to write, paint, draw, sculpt, cook, sew, design, CREATE. 

"Perhaps it's good for one to suffer. Can an artist do anything if he's happy? Would he ever want to do anything? What is art, after all, but a protest against the horrible inclemency of life?" -Aldous Huxley

I was randomly scrolling through the books I had on my kindle a couple days ago and I just picked one to read, no synopsis or anything was read beforehand. "Revolution" by Jennifer Donnelly, I was blown away. I can't even put into words how I felt at some points during this book. The fact that even 200 years ago people were still this cruel and they haven't changed a bit. The book covers the relationship between a girl in modern day Brooklyn and another girl in revolutionary France, Paris to be exact. Paris is one of the my favourite cities in the world. It is the absolute dream for me and yes I see it as it is now in our present time, cloaked in the glitz and glamour of the opulence, and high end fashion so expensive and ostentatious that just hearing the prices is enough to make you cry. The place where the literary greats like Hemingway and Fitzgerald found inspiration, La Belle Époque. 

The Paris in this novel however was much different and I'm glad, I'm glad the author chose not to sugarcoat the horror that was the French Revolution. Her depictions of the revolution showed both sides of the coin and very rarely do you ever see that in accounts of any revolution, they always highlight the plight of the people and why they were justified in their revolt, however this time the story was riveting for a whole other reason. The royals, their plight. Now we all know the story of how the French monarchy fell, how Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette lived lavishly while their people suffered for even the littlest of grain to eat. A phrase that MA is famous for is "let them eat cake!" Now I'm not sure if she's ever actually said this but yes it was pretty dense and bitchy of her if she did.

This story focused on the short life and death of Louis XVI and MA's young son, Louis Charles. Now, this is where the emotional roller-coaster begins, we all know that it is popular opinion that the Royals deserved their punishment in the end, after all, beheading was the normal form of extreme punishment in that time. Where though, was the fault of this innocent child? Being born into the wrong family? How is it okay to torture a 7 year old? Of course the novel had a whole story but this is not a book review so I won't be covering that. This is the telling of how much this unsettled me. This child was royalty, supposedly privileged more so than many others yet, this is how the last few years of his short life was spent, locked away in a tower in isolation from everyone. Don't take this the wrong way, I'm not sympathetic because of who he was, no, I am sympathetic and deeply saddened by the fact that this was a child, a child who had no idea why he was made to suffer, that too for something he had no part in. They say the cobbler, Antoine Simon and his wife who were left in charge of him did not treat him badly, despite the many accusations of barbarous cruelty the child endured at their hands. Of course we'll never know, history has a way of phasing out a lot of things and changing many others, as a History student I can attest to this.

This bothered me so immensely, just reading the account of it in Donnelly's words has left a permanent imprint on me. I don't know why. I just imagine everything so vividly that it makes my heart hurt. I know at that point in time the life expectancy of a lot of children was very low, Louis Charles' elder brother also perished at a very young age. I just feel like if he was cared for properly then he would've lived a lot longer. Firstly, isolation in itself is not an easy thing for anyone to deal with, much less a child. Secondly, being ripped away from one's parents is a traumatic experience that one is not likely to forget. Finally, it is known that he was abused, and several accounts convey that his living conditions were far from humane. I just can't be okay with that, and it wounded me so deeply, I know these things happen every single moment of every single day somewhere in the world and it is so incredibly damaging to think about.

There are so many things that are not okay, so much evil and intolerable cruelty in this world and we turn a blind eye to all of it. We hear of it then shrug it off, once it doesn't affect us directly it shouldn't be our problem right? This is the very same reason a lot of these things even happen, because people ignore it. I can tolerate a lot of things but cruelty against children (or animals) is not one of them. Animals and small children share a lot of the same traits, mainly the fact that they are completely innocent. They are unaware of quite a lot and most of the time when you decide to hurt them, they have absolutely no clue why they're being hurt, and I can't think of a more unfair and cruel thing than that. Of course the same happens to a lot of adults, but as adults you are more than aware of the way the world works and how many things occur without explanation but these children and animals have no idea about the world's cruelty until it is inflicted upon them. It's an experience they're not likely to ever forget, if they survive it.

I won't by any means consider myself an activist of any kind, mainly because I've never actively fought for any of these causes apart from internet petitions, but it is something I am incredibly passionate about (along with women's rights, but that's a whole other story for another time). I do hope to one day participate in bringing about positive changes in these sectors. Since starting my law degree last year, one of my favourite topics that I've come across is that of Human Rights and I've realized since then just how passionate I really am about it. I think just this topic alone has made me find my place in studying law, it's something I actually want to learn more about, it doesn't even feel like studying when I'm going over this topic.

Becoming a Human Rights Attorney is probably the most appealing job to me right now, despite the fact that the road to actually becoming one is far from smooth. Also, becoming a human rights attorney in Trinidad is probably, actually, it's quite pointless. We don't have the developments in that field quite yet, hopefully that changes in the future. Either way, my interests have definitely been captured by this subject matter and it has become so close to my heart that I feel it as if all of it were happening to me and I want to help and make a difference.

This year has put a lot of things into perspective for me, it's made me lay bare and put my trust in the unknown, something I have an incredibly hard time doing, and now I realize that you encounter everything when it's just right. Timing is everything. 

You know what really amazes me, and not in the good way? The fact that we claim to be a "modern" society, breaking free of all the restraints and embracing the new age...yet the abuse of basic human rights is still so blatant and happening right now. The war torn Middle East, the refugee crisis, Ferguson, #BlackLivesMatter, school shootings, FGM, inequality, homophobia, racism, facism (and so much more, way too many to list off the top of my head)...all of it is sickening, maddeningly sickening. It all makes me feel so helpless to be alive today and not be able to help in any small way. There is so much, SO MUCH more I can write about this but I don't think it's the right time, nor do I have the capacity to do so right now with so many other things on my mind. Eventually, it'll all come to pass.

At the end of the day I've realized that that's all I want, I want to have survived this life and say I helped, even if it's just one person. I need to be able to help at least one person come out of this better than they were. It's not something for self-praise or fame, it's about doing something for someone else, to make someone else's life better, to give them a chance they probably wouldn't have had before. I've realized that that's one of the few things that makes me genuinely happy and I will strive to do it for as many people as I can, for as long as I live.

xoxo, Shantilly.

I think I need a new Town.

I'm pretty sure most people know the song Boston by Augustana, it's been one of my favourites for as long as I've known, probably since I got into music. I was just checking and it's been released back in 2005 and somehow to me, the years starting in the 2000's don't ever seem so long ago but...holy shit, that was 10 years ago. It's been awhile mate. Anyway, have a listen if you don't already know the song, if you do, no harm in listening again :)

Everything I have in mind to write right now, I feel like I've written before and it really makes me wonder how long I've felt like this, like I don't belong here. Lately it's become overbearing, my need to get away. I always say I hate where I live, but honestly, I don't think I hate it, that's too much of a strong word. Compared to the rest of the world, Trinidad is a pretty sweet place to live, carefree and laid back but for such a small country, we have way too many issues, issues that we shouldn't have and things like these just upset me. Yes, I'm a sensitive human towards social issues and the like, I've just come to accept it, it's who I am. Anyway, studying abroad was something I've dreamed of since childhood, and I'm realizing now that it's mainly just to get away, because I don't like living here at all and I think maybe if I live somewhere else it'll give me new perspective so I can sort out whatever is going on in my brain.

"Wasn't that the definition of home? Not where you are from, but where you are wanted." 

- Abraham Verghese

I feel displaced, and it's not in some weird way that I feel like I need to go back to the land of my forefathers (which would be India) to find myself, no, it's not cultural or religious or anything like that. It's feeling like I've been born in the wrong place, like I don't fit in with the crowd here, I'm awkward and I don't have many friends (I rather it that way) but still, social life in Trinidad is all about the partying and being seen in certain places etc and I just don't fit that bill. I actually HATE it. Yes, I am well aware that it's the same in just about every country in the world but I'll address that later.

However, a couple weeks back I went on a mini vacation to Las Vegas (post on that coming soon) and we did the whole partying scene nearly every night and I couldn't get enough of it, I shocked even myself with that realization. I met so many new and interesting people and I had the time of my life doing the exact same thing I'm really not fond of doing here. I always say that Trinidad is too small, lately, more often than not. Everyone knows everyone, everyone is connected in some way, and I think that's great, but it's not great when you feel suffocated by it like I do. It's like this, there's a minuscule chance of ever meeting new people here. Even if you think you've met someone new, you speak to your friends or people you know and guess what? They're more than likely going to know the person and give you all the dirt on them. This of course is sometimes a good thing, can't fault people for telling me beforehand before I get in any deeper. Not short-changing this beautiful place in any way though, there's a lot to do here and a lot I haven't seen right here in my own island but for some reason I'm just not interested. There's a whole unexplored world out there and I rather do that instead...it's messed up isn't it?

They say it's wanderlust, but I feel like it's more than that for me. Like I just need to get away, from what you ask? I don't even know. I feel like I'm wasting my life in this place, like I won't get anywhere by just being here. I wish I could be content with it all but I'm just not. Sometimes I have moments of vivid clarity but most times it's like this. How great can you feel about anything when you're in a place full of familiar faces and all you feel is alone? Loneliness to the point that you rather be somewhere where no one knows you then have an actual reason to feel that way. And in that new place, start over again, or maybe just continue the story with a different outlook. I honestly don't think of my yearning for being anywhere but here as a journey to find myself, within the past two years I believe, I've gotten a pretty good grasp on who I am and where I want to be, of course as they say travel always changes your mindset and opens your eyes to a lot of things you didn't notice before and that's what I'm desperately in need of. A change of scenery, a bit of freedom to do things the way I want for a change.

Here's some love from me to you, my current favourite song:

Change is inevitable.

xoxo, Shantilly.

Pluviophile

a lover of rain; someone who finds joy and peace of mind during rainy days. -Collins Dictionary

It's been extremely rainy these days and I absolutely love it. Rainy weather is literally one of my favourite things on earth, yes, that sounds like vast exaggeration however it isn't. There's just something about it that's oddly calming, it brings about a stillness in me that's unlike any other. Just last night I was looking out my window at the downpour on the street and I swear I haven't felt that at ease in ages. The view from my window is quite unspectacular by the way, my neighbour's house is the first thing you see, but at the right angle, you can see the street which is nothing amazing either but at night, in the rainfall, illuminated by the blurry glow of street lamps, it is perfect.

There's something melancholy about the rain isn't there? The gloomy weather, the chill, the lonely raindrops sliding down the window panes, all of it almost seems magical, straight out of a storybook. I absolutely adore it. This type of weather brings out my creative side full force, I feel like I could do it all with just the weather as my inspiration. It makes being alone not seem like a bad thing and empowering even, like armour, like being cloaked in blanket of comfort.

Comfort, which I've also found in the work of Leonid Afremov.

Times Square by Leonid Afremov

Afremov is a spectacular Russian-Israeli artist born in Belarus, famed for his colourful works which are mostly created via oils and a palette knife. His work is unmistakeable and unique. I fell in love with his pieces in New York a couple years back actually, well technically they weren't "his" they were recreations by a street artist who painted similar pieces. The one that captured my attention was of a girl holding an umbrella walking down a rainy, distinctively "New York" street (I actually bought this painting for $5). Anyway, after I got back home I did my research and came across Afremov's masterpieces (in my opinion), and imagine my glee when there were more than one rain-centric pieces :D There are so many actually, I can't even post them all though I wish I could, you can check them all out and even get yourself one here. An Afremov piece is one of the things I must own in this life. I'm slightly talented in the art category, but not nearly anything that comes close to this, also if I had time to even practice it would help. Alas, studying law doesn't permit for such leisure time.

Rain Princess by Leonid Afremov

"Rain Princess" is by far my favourite of Afremov's work, and he has some pretty amazing pieces. There's just something about this one that speaks to me, the solitude and mystery perhaps. Those are two traits which most people who interest me possess, also, they're traits I see in myself. For as long as I've known myself I haven't been good at the whole keeping friends thing. People have slipped in and out of my life all the time, sometimes it's bothered me, sometimes I didn't even notice. Of course there are some loyal ones (I could count them on one hand) that I've picked up over time and they've stayed through thick and thin (so far). Lately though, I've learnt to own my solitude and use it to build me up rather than tear me down. The description of this painting is literally everything put into words in such an eloquent way that I felt no need to paraphrase or change it:

"Enigmatic stranger ruling her world: 

The paradox is that while people usually say they don’t like rain, they tend to find rainy weather very mysterious and romantic. Indeed, a sun-lit landscape can rarely offer a puzzle to unravel – everything is clear and transparent. This is why cheap wall art that is made in great numbers prefers to ignore the beauty of rainy parks and streets – why, it too requires a great deal of imagination to break stereotypes like “rain is boring, no one is going to buy it, let’s print more sunny landscapes”. The rain theme in wall canvas art is definitely underdeveloped.

Fortunately, there are artists who are equal to challenge. Leonid Afremov’s works are often dedicated to rain. He manages to catch these elusive moments of reverie that are inspired, for example, by an unknown woman who is walking in front of you under her umbrella as if she was the princess of this rainy kingdom. Who is she in reality? Where is she going? Perhaps it doesn’t even matter, but for one beautiful moment she makes you forget about everything else in this world."

Just let it sink in for a moment. It's absolutely exhilarating to think you could instigate that level of wonder in another person by just passing by. That's the kind of person I want to be, the person people want to get to know, not the one they just see and think nothing of.

xoxo, Shantilly.

Rosey Remedies

Makeup is all the rage these days, even more so now with the emergence of hoards of new make-up artistes and beauty gurus galore, and like most other women I have fallen prey to the craze. I love make-up, and trying new products, finding out what works for me and what doesn't (which is never fun). With using so many different things on my face, a proper skin care routine is essential (unfortunately, I still don't have one). I have not been blessed with the best skin, can someone say dry? I kid you not, like desert level dry. My skin is parched and no matter how much water I drink or rejuvenating masks I use, it remains dry as hell, which means I moisturize religiously.

Awhile back (like last summer) I read an article on Noor's Vanity about this "miracle product" which just so happens to be the Thayer's Alcohol-Free Rose Petal and Witch Hazel toner. I researched it and looked all over for it but couldn't find it anywhere here so on my trip later that summer to New Jersey and New York visiting relatives, I managed to swipe a few bottles of the good stuff at Whole Foods. For only $10 it really wasn't bad. Noor's article recommended it for even the most sensitive skin and all skin types in general, so of course I was sold because the Lord knows my poor skin could use the love.

Now, this toner is quite good, I never really used a toner as part of my skincare before because I know most toners dry out your skin even more and I really can't afford that. I gave this one a chance though and it works quite well with my skin, but I can't use it every single day, I use it like 3-4 times a week, once per day after I wash my face and I still moisturize after. Woe is my dry skin >.< But it really feels refreshing and it totally works wonders for those swollen, red, achy pimples, just pour some on a cotton pad and place on irritated area for about 5-10 minutes and voila! No more redness or swelling, maybe a slight ache but not much.

Whilst I was in the States I also picked up the Smith's Minted Rose lip balm from Sephora which I am completely hooked on. It goes on smooth and light, not sticky thank goodness, and leaves your lips super plump. The bonus for me is that I loveeee anything minty for my lips, it somehow makes me feel like it's working (try not to judge me) and it does! I use it every single day, and generously apply at night before bed so it has time to work properly overnight.

Also, another bonus, they both smell divine, not too strong, just a hint and just enough. Try it y'all! (This post is not sponsored, so ya know it's the real deal).

xoxo, Shantilly.

Exciting Things!

Anyone that knows me, knows that travelling is one of, if not my greatest passion in life. If I had the option, my career would be a travel writer, alas, it isn't that exactly easy hence my choice of Law. Anyway, let's not get sidetracked, despite my dreams of travelling the entire world, I have a particular affinity for Europe. I've never been and I hope to change that soon, and it seems the opportunities are now limitless with the recent visa waiver that's occurred.

I live in Trinidad, which is pretty much a dot on the map, people would often choose our sister isle of Tobago to vacation over us (honestly, I can't blame them, it's a lot more tourist friendly over there, S/O to the lovely Tobagonians!) Moving along, normally for travel to Europe we are required to get a Schengen visa but now with this lovely visa waiver, we have free access to 26 countries (for short stays of up to 90 days, which is more than enough for me), all of which I am yearning to visit.

GUYS, I am so excited!

Just this small development was enough to send me over the moon, planning crazy adventures in my head all over Europe, some solo, some with friends, making new friends, meeting new people, experiences new places and cultures EEEEEPP!!!!  Much excite ^_^

Now this seems like an open door to me because I have to finish my Law degree in England, there's the options of going to London (which is my obvious first choice), Manchester, Staffordshire, and I believe Birmingham. Providing I pass all 4 of my exams that I wrote this semester (prettypleasewithlotsofcherriesontop), I have 5 next year, and then...England bound! For 9 months. I have no idea what the workload will be like but I really hope I visit a few different places whilst I'm there.

Visiting the Theatre of Dreams, Tuscan Nights, Weekend sailing on the French Rivera, A Parisian Rendez-Vous, Watching El Clasico live at Estadio Santiago Bernabeu or Camp Nou, Gondola Rides down the Venetian Canals, Shopping in Milan, Hanging out at the Colosseum, basking in the sheer perfection of the Greek Islands and the Amalfi Coast...Yeah. This needs to happen for me.

*mental preparation for my European Tour* Thenx for the inspo boost Visa Waiver *insert dancing salsa lady emoji*

xoxo, Shantilly.

Ahoy Matey!

I AM ALIVE!

Finally, the dreaded exam period is over...just when I thought the torture wouldn't end. My life during the majority of the month of May was literally, eat, sleep, law, repeat, wait! what is sleep though? Yeah, believe me, I wasn't sure I'd live to know. After packing away all my work material for this first year I couldn't help but marvel at how I even managed to cover all that work...well the majority of it anyway. However, it's always a learning experience because now I know that I need to start studying way more beforehand than I did this time around. I really can't afford to let my other life issues get in the way like I did this time.

Anyway, now that these exams are over, summer is here! I'm not even enthused to be honest. I literally have no plans until July when I'll be going to Las Vegas for two weeks with my cousin. I want to get a temporary job but trying to get a summer job in Trinidad is way harder than anywhere else apparently, especially considering that this place is so damn small and there is little to no job opportunities for the summer in specified fields. I preferred to get something in the legal or media/communications fields because they're both things I'm passionate about. Maybe that's the thing with me, I don't really see the point in putting a lot of dedication into something I don't see myself pursuing in the long run, or taking away anything valuable from it. I guess that could be classed as a downfall for me because you never really know until you try. So I've sent out a lot of applications and resumes hoping for something to pop up, but until then, I have lots of posts planned for my blogs, both here and on my livejournal, over on LJ however, it's a way more "personal" blog I suppose, it's usually the place I go when I need to be totally raw and open. I stopped using it for a long while when LJ kind of lost it's hype, but I realized it's the perfect place for free expression because not a lot of people would go there to find it. 

I'm currently working on cleaning my room which is an utter disaster as it usually is when exams roll around. I literally cannot stand mess but somehow it happens when I have little to no time for anything else but my work (and procrastinating *shame face*). I've been obsessing over my pinterest for the past while, it picked up considerable during exams as per usual, Queen Procrastinator here. Anyway, I have a ton of posts to write up, already sorted in my head so hopefully I can get this blog going a bit more than it has been, well, since I've created it, and not boring everyone with my angsty teenage/young adult drama. Wish me luck!

xoxo, Shantilly.

I don't know about you but, I'm feeling 22

I wish I could say that's a good feeling, I guess I can, but it wouldn't be true. Anyway, I made it another 12 months, a year older, 22. Accomplished a few things since 21, still nowhere close to where I thought I'd be at this point but if it's one thing you learn as you go is that, you can't plan life or put a timer on it. I think doing that has left me pretty disillusioned with a lot of things.

This month was probably, actually no, it was definitely one of the worst of my life thus far. Birthday week did me no favours either but, somehow, life goes on. I'm currently in a frenzy because I'm now realizing just how close exams are (they start next Tuesday), yeah, how did that happen? Just the other day we were in September. FML.

I'm currently sitting in my kitchen, which I do a lot when I study late at night because it's more peaceful here somehow (and there's food, DUH, s/o to my fridge)...anyway, I don't live that far from the airport and airplanes pass over/close to my house quite often, hence, I know when every single flight is arriving or departing, and I find it the most comforting thing ever. At this very moment in time, I just wish I could be on one of those flights out of this place, that's all. I don't care where I'm going, where I'll stay, nothing, I just want to get out of here. I feel suffocated and claustrophobic with the current state of my life, like I have no where to turn and all the walls are closing in, the clock is ticking away and time is running out, and I'm accomplishing nothing worthwhile.

I know I have the potential to succeed and I really hope this year can bring forth some of that because God knows I'm trying, I'm trying so fucking hard. My life is in more shambles than it was last year around this same time, I don't even know how it happened, okay no, fuck that, I know exactly how it happened but whatever, I can't go back and undo anything, all I have is the present and the future and to shape that differently.

So here's to 22, another year older, and hopefully a tad bit wiser.

I Have Lost the Ability to Can

Where do I even start?

*deep breath*

Not even four months in properly and it's a total disaster. Okay, maybe that's a vast exaggeration, it's just a bit of a disaster. A disaster that I sort of walked straight into if I'm honest. I told myself I wasn't going to let all my walls down, but he made it too easy, and I guess that's something I've always craved, someone to understand me. He was literally everything I could possibly want, except...he was never mine. I never thought I'd end up in this position, but all my willpower and self-control seems to go straight out the window when it comes to him. Sometimes I wonder, am I really so desperate for love that I settle for so much less than I deserve? I mean, it is a valid question. I'm not the person that just jumps into anything, nor am I the one to abandon all the things I stand for, yet I somehow bent all the rules for him...I guess that should've been the first red flag. Needless to say, it came to a disastrous end, for me. Some men will be anything you want them to be to get what they want, and some of them just want it all. Lesson learnt.

I really fell hard, I didn't even realize it until it was too late for me, and even still, after seeing him for who he is, I still can't think of him as a bad person. He isn't, I mean, he's not the best, but he isn't terrible. He may have been quite inconsiderate and selfish when it came to dealing with this particular situation but I truly wish him all the best. I've always been a fighter and that hasn't changed, however, I refuse to fight for something that isn't mine. Of course I want him, of course I wanted us, but it was clearly not meant to be, because if he felt the same, he would've given his decisions some more thought. There will always be the down and out moments, but I've finally come to accept that I am more than enough, he just chose to not see it, and that does not define me. I'm extremely glad to have met him and gotten to know him, it was a definite learning experience. He showed me things about myself that I didn't even realize...he made me realize my worth, even if he didn't appreciate it. So I am forever grateful to him for that, and for all the happiness he has given me within this short time. It rekindled some hope in me that I thought was lost a long time ago. Sometimes you just need an eye-opener I guess.

Now, school...I..don't...even.

Yeah, I really don't. Exams are now in less than a month, and I don't even know where to begin, here's to praying for a miracle. I literally just want to pass. I am not emotionally in the right place to even aim for higher than a pass. I just want to pass. Yeah, that may seem like giving up or underachieving but...what y'all know about my struggle??? Nothing, nada, zip, zilch, zero. So yeah, believe me when I say wanting to pass is actually OVERACHIEVING at this point. My god, I really don't know how I let this happen, oh wait, look at me writing a blog post when I should be studying! FML. Well done, Shan, well done.

Also...it's birthday month, you know what that means, TOTAL and complete meltdown. Everything that could possibly go wrong, goes wrong in April, I don't even know why but this ALWAYS happens. And as the weeks go by and the 29th draws near, I have no doubt that I'll be having an existential crisis about turning 22. Woe is my life.

Is it weird that I feel OK? I mean, that's what it is right, being okay. I'm not good or great but I am okay, after crying my life out and nearly having a breakdown for days in succession, I feel okay now. Not sure how long this feeling is going to last but I hope it endures throughout my demon exams because I really didn't need all of this right now yet it happened. They say everything happens for a reason...WHAT IS THE REASON? Jeez, give me a fucking break yea? They also say God doesn't give you more than you can handle, I guess God thinks I'm a badass (which I am *shrug*). I think I'm just running off the high that I have survived worse and I will survive this, and it'll make me a better, stronger person, all that cliche bullshit, but hey, if it works who am I to knock it? Exactly.

Till next time...which may be very soon cause you know, I'm always more active when I should be studying...-_-"

xoxo, Shantilly.