Just as I was actually putting together a post much lighter than my previous one, today happened.
And if you're not sure about what happened today just search the hashtags #PrayforParis #ParisAttacks #PrayforLebanon #PrayforJapan #PrayforBaghdad (P.S. I hope everyone posting these actually does say a prayer)
I have SO much to say about this but I'm way too overwhelmed to do it right now so I leave you with what I think we should all be doing right now.
That's a phrase I've come to identify with way too often in my short lifetime. It makes me feel sick to my stomach when I think about the things that make me identify with it. Humans, human cruelty, there's none quite like it. I think about the wars, the suffering people all over the world, the unspeakable cruelty some are subjected to at the hands of others, the depraved and wounded, and I feel for them, all of them.
I've come to realize quite early on that I feel things quite deeply compared to other people, things that aren't even remotely related to me, I find that connection and I relate to it and feel it like if it were me or someone I knew and loved. That's the mark of the creative people isn't it? More like a curse, but it is what propels us to write, paint, draw, sculpt, cook, sew, design, CREATE.
"Perhaps it's good for one to suffer. Can an artist do anything if he's happy? Would he ever want to do anything? What is art, after all, but a protest against the horrible inclemency of life?" -Aldous Huxley
I was randomly scrolling through the books I had on my kindle a couple days ago and I just picked one to read, no synopsis or anything was read beforehand. "Revolution" by Jennifer Donnelly, I was blown away. I can't even put into words how I felt at some points during this book. The fact that even 200 years ago people were still this cruel and they haven't changed a bit. The book covers the relationship between a girl in modern day Brooklyn and another girl in revolutionary France, Paris to be exact. Paris is one of the my favourite cities in the world. It is the absolute dream for me and yes I see it as it is now in our present time, cloaked in the glitz and glamour of the opulence, and high end fashion so expensive and ostentatious that just hearing the prices is enough to make you cry. The place where the literary greats like Hemingway and Fitzgerald found inspiration, La Belle Époque.
The Paris in this novel however was much different and I'm glad, I'm glad the author chose not to sugarcoat the horror that was the French Revolution. Her depictions of the revolution showed both sides of the coin and very rarely do you ever see that in accounts of any revolution, they always highlight the plight of the people and why they were justified in their revolt, however this time the story was riveting for a whole other reason. The royals, their plight. Now we all know the story of how the French monarchy fell, how Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette lived lavishly while their people suffered for even the littlest of grain to eat. A phrase that MA is famous for is "let them eat cake!" Now I'm not sure if she's ever actually said this but yes it was pretty dense and bitchy of her if she did.
This story focused on the short life and death of Louis XVI and MA's young son, Louis Charles. Now, this is where the emotional roller-coaster begins, we all know that it is popular opinion that the Royals deserved their punishment in the end, after all, beheading was the normal form of extreme punishment in that time. Where though, was the fault of this innocent child? Being born into the wrong family? How is it okay to torture a 7 year old? Of course the novel had a whole story but this is not a book review so I won't be covering that. This is the telling of how much this unsettled me. This child was royalty, supposedly privileged more so than many others yet, this is how the last few years of his short life was spent, locked away in a tower in isolation from everyone. Don't take this the wrong way, I'm not sympathetic because of who he was, no, I am sympathetic and deeply saddened by the fact that this was a child, a child who had no idea why he was made to suffer, that too for something he had no part in. They say the cobbler, Antoine Simon and his wife who were left in charge of him did not treat him badly, despite the many accusations of barbarous cruelty the child endured at their hands. Of course we'll never know, history has a way of phasing out a lot of things and changing many others, as a History student I can attest to this.
This bothered me so immensely, just reading the account of it in Donnelly's words has left a permanent imprint on me. I don't know why. I just imagine everything so vividly that it makes my heart hurt. I know at that point in time the life expectancy of a lot of children was very low, Louis Charles' elder brother also perished at a very young age. I just feel like if he was cared for properly then he would've lived a lot longer. Firstly, isolation in itself is not an easy thing for anyone to deal with, much less a child. Secondly, being ripped away from one's parents is a traumatic experience that one is not likely to forget. Finally, it is known that he was abused, and several accounts convey that his living conditions were far from humane. I just can't be okay with that, and it wounded me so deeply, I know these things happen every single moment of every single day somewhere in the world and it is so incredibly damaging to think about.
There are so many things that are not okay, so much evil and intolerable cruelty in this world and we turn a blind eye to all of it. We hear of it then shrug it off, once it doesn't affect us directly it shouldn't be our problem right? This is the very same reason a lot of these things even happen, because people ignore it. I can tolerate a lot of things but cruelty against children (or animals) is not one of them. Animals and small children share a lot of the same traits, mainly the fact that they are completely innocent. They are unaware of quite a lot and most of the time when you decide to hurt them, they have absolutely no clue why they're being hurt, and I can't think of a more unfair and cruel thing than that. Of course the same happens to a lot of adults, but as adults you are more than aware of the way the world works and how many things occur without explanation but these children and animals have no idea about the world's cruelty until it is inflicted upon them. It's an experience they're not likely to ever forget, if they survive it.
I won't by any means consider myself an activist of any kind, mainly because I've never actively fought for any of these causes apart from internet petitions, but it is something I am incredibly passionate about (along with women's rights, but that's a whole other story for another time). I do hope to one day participate in bringing about positive changes in these sectors. Since starting my law degree last year, one of my favourite topics that I've come across is that of Human Rights and I've realized since then just how passionate I really am about it. I think just this topic alone has made me find my place in studying law, it's something I actually want to learn more about, it doesn't even feel like studying when I'm going over this topic.
Becoming a Human Rights Attorney is probably the most appealing job to me right now, despite the fact that the road to actually becoming one is far from smooth. Also, becoming a human rights attorney in Trinidad is probably, actually, it's quite pointless. We don't have the developments in that field quite yet, hopefully that changes in the future. Either way, my interests have definitely been captured by this subject matter and it has become so close to my heart that I feel it as if all of it were happening to me and I want to help and make a difference.
This year has put a lot of things into perspective for me, it's made me lay bare and put my trust in the unknown, something I have an incredibly hard time doing, and now I realize that you encounter everything when it's just right. Timing is everything.
You know what really amazes me, and not in the good way? The fact that we claim to be a "modern" society, breaking free of all the restraints and embracing the new age...yet the abuse of basic human rights is still so blatant and happening right now. The war torn Middle East, the refugee crisis, Ferguson, #BlackLivesMatter, school shootings, FGM, inequality, homophobia, racism, facism (and so much more, way too many to list off the top of my head)...all of it is sickening, maddeningly sickening. It all makes me feel so helpless to be alive today and not be able to help in any small way. There is so much, SO MUCH more I can write about this but I don't think it's the right time, nor do I have the capacity to do so right now with so many other things on my mind. Eventually, it'll all come to pass.
At the end of the day I've realized that that's all I want, I want to have survived this life and say I helped, even if it's just one person. I need to be able to help at least one person come out of this better than they were. It's not something for self-praise or fame, it's about doing something for someone else, to make someone else's life better, to give them a chance they probably wouldn't have had before. I've realized that that's one of the few things that makes me genuinely happy and I will strive to do it for as many people as I can, for as long as I live.
I'm pretty sure most people know the song Boston by Augustana, it's been one of my favourites for as long as I've known, probably since I got into music. I was just checking and it's been released back in 2005 and somehow to me, the years starting in the 2000's don't ever seem so long ago but...holy shit, that was 10 years ago. It's been awhile mate. Anyway, have a listen if you don't already know the song, if you do, no harm in listening again :)
Everything I have in mind to write right now, I feel like I've written before and it really makes me wonder how long I've felt like this, like I don't belong here. Lately it's become overbearing, my need to get away. I always say I hate where I live, but honestly, I don't think I hate it, that's too much of a strong word. Compared to the rest of the world, Trinidad is a pretty sweet place to live, carefree and laid back but for such a small country, we have way too many issues, issues that we shouldn't have and things like these just upset me. Yes, I'm a sensitive human towards social issues and the like, I've just come to accept it, it's who I am. Anyway, studying abroad was something I've dreamed of since childhood, and I'm realizing now that it's mainly just to get away, because I don't like living here at all and I think maybe if I live somewhere else it'll give me new perspective so I can sort out whatever is going on in my brain.
"Wasn't that the definition of home? Not where you are from, but where you are wanted."
- Abraham Verghese
I feel displaced, and it's not in some weird way that I feel like I need to go back to the land of my forefathers (which would be India) to find myself, no, it's not cultural or religious or anything like that. It's feeling like I've been born in the wrong place, like I don't fit in with the crowd here, I'm awkward and I don't have many friends (I rather it that way) but still, social life in Trinidad is all about the partying and being seen in certain places etc and I just don't fit that bill. I actually HATE it. Yes, I am well aware that it's the same in just about every country in the world but I'll address that later.
However, a couple weeks back I went on a mini vacation to Las Vegas (post on that coming soon) and we did the whole partying scene nearly every night and I couldn't get enough of it, I shocked even myself with that realization. I met so many new and interesting people and I had the time of my life doing the exact same thing I'm really not fond of doing here. I always say that Trinidad is too small, lately, more often than not. Everyone knows everyone, everyone is connected in some way, and I think that's great, but it's not great when you feel suffocated by it like I do. It's like this, there's a minuscule chance of ever meeting new people here. Even if you think you've met someone new, you speak to your friends or people you know and guess what? They're more than likely going to know the person and give you all the dirt on them. This of course is sometimes a good thing, can't fault people for telling me beforehand before I get in any deeper. Not short-changing this beautiful place in any way though, there's a lot to do here and a lot I haven't seen right here in my own island but for some reason I'm just not interested. There's a whole unexplored world out there and I rather do that instead...it's messed up isn't it?
They say it's wanderlust, but I feel like it's more than that for me. Like I just need to get away, from what you ask? I don't even know. I feel like I'm wasting my life in this place, like I won't get anywhere by just being here. I wish I could be content with it all but I'm just not. Sometimes I have moments of vivid clarity but most times it's like this. How great can you feel about anything when you're in a place full of familiar faces and all you feel is alone? Loneliness to the point that you rather be somewhere where no one knows you then have an actual reason to feel that way. And in that new place, start over again, or maybe just continue the story with a different outlook. I honestly don't think of my yearning for being anywhere but here as a journey to find myself, within the past two years I believe, I've gotten a pretty good grasp on who I am and where I want to be, of course as they say travel always changes your mindset and opens your eyes to a lot of things you didn't notice before and that's what I'm desperately in need of. A change of scenery, a bit of freedom to do things the way I want for a change.
Here's some love from me to you, my current favourite song:
a lover of rain; someone who finds joy and peace of mind during rainy days. -Collins Dictionary
It's been extremely rainy these days and I absolutely love it. Rainy weather is literally one of my favourite things on earth, yes, that sounds like vast exaggeration however it isn't. There's just something about it that's oddly calming, it brings about a stillness in me that's unlike any other. Just last night I was looking out my window at the downpour on the street and I swear I haven't felt that at ease in ages. The view from my window is quite unspectacular by the way, my neighbour's house is the first thing you see, but at the right angle, you can see the street which is nothing amazing either but at night, in the rainfall, illuminated by the blurry glow of street lamps, it is perfect.
There's something melancholy about the rain isn't there? The gloomy weather, the chill, the lonely raindrops sliding down the window panes, all of it almost seems magical, straight out of a storybook. I absolutely adore it. This type of weather brings out my creative side full force, I feel like I could do it all with just the weather as my inspiration. It makes being alone not seem like a bad thing and empowering even, like armour, like being cloaked in blanket of comfort.
Comfort, which I've also found in the work of Leonid Afremov.
Times Square by Leonid Afremov
Afremov is a spectacular Russian-Israeli artist born in Belarus, famed for his colourful works which are mostly created via oils and a palette knife. His work is unmistakeable and unique. I fell in love with his pieces in New York a couple years back actually, well technically they weren't "his" they were recreations by a street artist who painted similar pieces. The one that captured my attention was of a girl holding an umbrella walking down a rainy, distinctively "New York" street (I actually bought this painting for $5). Anyway, after I got back home I did my research and came across Afremov's masterpieces (in my opinion), and imagine my glee when there were more than one rain-centric pieces :D There are so many actually, I can't even post them all though I wish I could, you can check them all out and even get yourself one here. An Afremov piece is one of the things I must own in this life. I'm slightly talented in the art category, but not nearly anything that comes close to this, also if I had time to even practice it would help. Alas, studying law doesn't permit for such leisure time.
"Rain Princess" is by far my favourite of Afremov's work, and he has some pretty amazing pieces. There's just something about this one that speaks to me, the solitude and mystery perhaps. Those are two traits which most people who interest me possess, also, they're traits I see in myself. For as long as I've known myself I haven't been good at the whole keeping friends thing. People have slipped in and out of my life all the time, sometimes it's bothered me, sometimes I didn't even notice. Of course there are some loyal ones (I could count them on one hand) that I've picked up over time and they've stayed through thick and thin (so far). Lately though, I've learnt to own my solitude and use it to build me up rather than tear me down. The description of this painting is literally everything put into words in such an eloquent way that I felt no need to paraphrase or change it:
"Enigmatic stranger ruling her world:
The paradox is that while people usually say they don’t like rain, they tend to find rainy weather very mysterious and romantic. Indeed, a sun-lit landscape can rarely offer a puzzle to unravel – everything is clear and transparent. This is why cheap wall art that is made in great numbers prefers to ignore the beauty of rainy parks and streets – why, it too requires a great deal of imagination to break stereotypes like “rain is boring, no one is going to buy it, let’s print more sunny landscapes”. The rain theme in wall canvas art is definitely underdeveloped.
Fortunately, there are artists who are equal to challenge. Leonid Afremov’s works are often dedicated to rain. He manages to catch these elusive moments of reverie that are inspired, for example, by an unknown woman who is walking in front of you under her umbrella as if she was the princess of this rainy kingdom. Who is she in reality? Where is she going? Perhaps it doesn’t even matter, but for one beautiful moment she makes you forget about everything else in this world."
Just let it sink in for a moment. It's absolutely exhilarating to think you could instigate that level of wonder in another person by just passing by. That's the kind of person I want to be, the person people want to get to know, not the one they just see and think nothing of.
Makeup is all the rage these days, even more so now with the emergence of hoards of new make-up artistes and beauty gurus galore, and like most other women I have fallen prey to the craze. I love make-up, and trying new products, finding out what works for me and what doesn't (which is never fun). With using so many different things on my face, a proper skin care routine is essential (unfortunately, I still don't have one). I have not been blessed with the best skin, can someone say dry? I kid you not, like desert level dry. My skin is parched and no matter how much water I drink or rejuvenating masks I use, it remains dry as hell, which means I moisturize religiously.
Awhile back (like last summer) I read an article on Noor's Vanity about this "miracle product" which just so happens to be the Thayer's Alcohol-Free Rose Petal and Witch Hazel toner. I researched it and looked all over for it but couldn't find it anywhere here so on my trip later that summer to New Jersey and New York visiting relatives, I managed to swipe a few bottles of the good stuff at Whole Foods. For only $10 it really wasn't bad. Noor's article recommended it for even the most sensitive skin and all skin types in general, so of course I was sold because the Lord knows my poor skin could use the love.
Now, this toner is quite good, I never really used a toner as part of my skincare before because I know most toners dry out your skin even more and I really can't afford that. I gave this one a chance though and it works quite well with my skin, but I can't use it every single day, I use it like 3-4 times a week, once per day after I wash my face and I still moisturize after. Woe is my dry skin >.< But it really feels refreshing and it totally works wonders for those swollen, red, achy pimples, just pour some on a cotton pad and place on irritated area for about 5-10 minutes and voila! No more redness or swelling, maybe a slight ache but not much.
Whilst I was in the States I also picked up the Smith's Minted Rose lip balm from Sephora which I am completely hooked on. It goes on smooth and light, not sticky thank goodness, and leaves your lips super plump. The bonus for me is that I loveeee anything minty for my lips, it somehow makes me feel like it's working (try not to judge me) and it does! I use it every single day, and generously apply at night before bed so it has time to work properly overnight.
Also, another bonus, they both smell divine, not too strong, just a hint and just enough. Try it y'all! (This post is not sponsored, so ya know it's the real deal).
Anyone that knows me, knows that travelling is one of, if not my greatest passion in life. If I had the option, my career would be a travel writer, alas, it isn't that exactly easy hence my choice of Law. Anyway, let's not get sidetracked, despite my dreams of travelling the entire world, I have a particular affinity for Europe. I've never been and I hope to change that soon, and it seems the opportunities are now limitless with the recent visa waiver that's occurred.
I live in Trinidad, which is pretty much a dot on the map, people would often choose our sister isle of Tobago to vacation over us (honestly, I can't blame them, it's a lot more tourist friendly over there, S/O to the lovely Tobagonians!) Moving along, normally for travel to Europe we are required to get a Schengen visa but now with this lovely visa waiver, we have free access to 26 countries (for short stays of up to 90 days, which is more than enough for me), all of which I am yearning to visit.
GUYS, I am so excited!
Just this small development was enough to send me over the moon, planning crazy adventures in my head all over Europe, some solo, some with friends, making new friends, meeting new people, experiences new places and cultures EEEEEPP!!!! Much excite ^_^
Now this seems like an open door to me because I have to finish my Law degree in England, there's the options of going to London (which is my obvious first choice), Manchester, Staffordshire, and I believe Birmingham. Providing I pass all 4 of my exams that I wrote this semester (prettypleasewithlotsofcherriesontop), I have 5 next year, and then...England bound! For 9 months. I have no idea what the workload will be like but I really hope I visit a few different places whilst I'm there.
Visiting the Theatre of Dreams, Tuscan Nights, Weekend sailing on the French Rivera, A Parisian Rendez-Vous, Watching El Clasico live at Estadio Santiago Bernabeu or Camp Nou, Gondola Rides down the Venetian Canals, Shopping in Milan, Hanging out at the Colosseum, basking in the sheer perfection of the Greek Islands and the Amalfi Coast...Yeah. This needs to happen for me.
*mental preparation for my European Tour* Thenx for the inspo boost Visa Waiver *insert dancing salsa lady emoji*
Finally, the dreaded exam period is over...just when I thought the torture wouldn't end. My life during the majority of the month of May was literally, eat, sleep, law, repeat, wait! what is sleep though? Yeah, believe me, I wasn't sure I'd live to know. After packing away all my work material for this first year I couldn't help but marvel at how I even managed to cover all that work...well the majority of it anyway. However, it's always a learning experience because now I know that I need to start studying way more beforehand than I did this time around. I really can't afford to let my other life issues get in the way like I did this time.
Anyway, now that these exams are over, summer is here! I'm not even enthused to be honest. I literally have no plans until July when I'll be going to Las Vegas for two weeks with my cousin. I want to get a temporary job but trying to get a summer job in Trinidad is way harder than anywhere else apparently, especially considering that this place is so damn small and there is little to no job opportunities for the summer in specified fields. I preferred to get something in the legal or media/communications fields because they're both things I'm passionate about. Maybe that's the thing with me, I don't really see the point in putting a lot of dedication into something I don't see myself pursuing in the long run, or taking away anything valuable from it. I guess that could be classed as a downfall for me because you never really know until you try. So I've sent out a lot of applications and resumes hoping for something to pop up, but until then, I have lots of posts planned for my blogs, both here and on my livejournal, over on LJ however, it's a way more "personal" blog I suppose, it's usually the place I go when I need to be totally raw and open. I stopped using it for a long while when LJ kind of lost it's hype, but I realized it's the perfect place for free expression because not a lot of people would go there to find it.
I'm currently working on cleaning my room which is an utter disaster as it usually is when exams roll around. I literally cannot stand mess but somehow it happens when I have little to no time for anything else but my work (and procrastinating *shame face*). I've been obsessing over my pinterest for the past while, it picked up considerable during exams as per usual, Queen Procrastinator here. Anyway, I have a ton of posts to write up, already sorted in my head so hopefully I can get this blog going a bit more than it has been, well, since I've created it, and not boring everyone with my angsty teenage/young adult drama. Wish me luck!
