Midyear Reflection: 2018

So much time has passed. I missed out on writing a birthday post this year because life has been so busy. Somethings have changed and some have stayed the same. Altogether, 2018 thus far has been a year of many highs and lows. 

It started out in January with a high, making it to the interview stage of the JET Programme that I applied for, which is a teaching exchange program in Japan. It's something I've wanted to do for years, but after I finished University, I went straight into another degree which was Law. Things didn't work out with Law, and I finally just took myself out of that situation in May-June 2017. It was one of the best decisions I ever made and I started my life afresh last year...somewhat. I started pursuing those Japanese classes I always wanted to do but never got around to. I'm still kicking myself for not pursuing it while I was doing law but better late than never.

I applied to the JET Programme last year October (2017) and out of the over 100 applicants, I earned myself a spot in the top 30 for the interview in January. I found out in March that I made it onto the short-list, which basically means you're in and they're just looking for a placement for you. When May rolled around I got my confirmation that I was placed in Kobe-shi, and I am so proud of myself. Honestly, I always feel like I'm working with time that's running out on me, already 25 as of April, but this is one of the few accomplishments I've made in this life that I am genuinely proud of. 

Getting into the program may not seem like a big deal to others but to me, who's been hit with disappointment after disappointment, this is a miracle. A miracle born from a lot of hard-work and dedication. I went the extra mile for my application and I relentlessly practiced for my interview and made sure I had all my bases covered. It's like coming back from the ashes. Yes, I'm dramatic but when I dropped out of Law School, I had no idea where my life was headed, it felt like a relief but at the same time, my country's employment rate is at an all time low, and applying for a Master's was not possible last year thanks to the deadlines. I do still intend to pursue my Master's just not right now. I also have a few other goals to pursue but we'll see how this goes first.

Back track to February. My grandmother passed away. I wasn't sad or anything, for obvious reasons that are unknown here, but I know them and that's what's important. I don't feel the need to go into detail but the aftermath of her passing was so extremely taxing. I could barely function properly until probably April. I thought I wasn't going to be okay again, that's how bad it was. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, none of it out of sadness, but mostly out of crippling anxiety. I think I was traumatized, I assume that's what happens when you find someone dead. None of it really hit me until after that first day. It was so incredibly hard for me to overcome my own fears, I was popping anxiety pills like vitamins. So that is another thing that I feel proud of myself for, being able to get out of that dark place and move on. 

That being said, 2018 has not been a bad year thus far, it's actually been pretty good in terms of growth. I ended up joining this group chat and made a bunch of new friends and actually regained my motivation to write. I've been posting stuff on tumblr and I mean, it's not very good, but I know it'll improve with time since I'm now getting back in the groove of things. I'm really happy I got this opportunity and these new friends so it's a good time. 

I leave for Japan on August 4th, that being said, I have made the decision to close this blog. This blog has a lot of memories on it and it shows a lot of growth and changes in my life so I'm very grateful to have it to serve as reflection. I'm not going to delete it, but it'll remain just an archive. I haven't been very active but I want to change that and open a brand new blog, probably on another site, so this is my farewell.

To anyone that reads this, I hope you're doing well, and if you're not, hang tight, things will get better soon <3 nbsp="" p="">

All my love.

xoxo,
Shantilly.

Hot Potato Playlist #2

This month went from 0-100 REAL quick. It's over tomorrow and I can't be happier. There's a lengthy blog post I need to write about February 2018 but I'm not sure I'm in the correct state of mind to do so right now, so as soon as I am, it'll be up. For now...here's Hot Potato Playlist #2!

Enjoy!

xoxo,Shantilly.

Hot Potato Playlist #1

So I've decided to start making playlists for each month, they're most likely going to be short because I prefer it like that. Since I skipped on January, I'll be doing two for February :) Here's the first one!

(Also, I will be writing a post on Hot Potato and how I came up with the name)

xoxo, Shantilly.

For Auld Lang Syne

2017...

Was a hard year. Nothing about it was easy but I feel like it was a year that prepared me for a lot, however it’s definitely not a year I’d ever want a replay of.

The year started off pretty good, I had a goal to open my own small business which I did in the first week of January. I’m almost sure that I’ll be closing said business soon but it was such a good experience and I felt accomplished for even being able to start in the first place. Things took a nosedive in around March when I hit my new car... 3rd accident in less than a year. I could barely drive anymore and I know even though the first accident was the worst, it’s the two smaller ones that followed that caused the real trauma because I was so terrified that it would continue happening. Also, I do not have the easiest parents to deal with when it comes to these things so that added to the fear.

On the day of my birthday we (my family and I) went to dinner and it was a total disaster. That’s another night I could just do without the memory of. My birthday is always something I celebrate and I just feel like it was ruined this year. The bright side is I celebrated the day before my actual birthday with my friends and it was pretty perfect.

I took my first solo trip this year to my dream destination nonetheless, London. I didn’t think it would’ve been possible but at the very last minute my dad pulled through. It was such a fantastic trip, and a great learning experience and it has further fueled my love for traveling, and London in general. I can’t wait to do it all over again, and perhaps, better next time.

In May were my law exams which I prepared as best as I could for...and failed. I spent a lot of time studying and trying my best to ensure that I passed these exams and the outcome was the complete opposite. Strangely enough...actually I’m not sure if it’s strange as I’d already prepared myself and said if I passed the exams necessary to continue then that’s God’s way of saying that it’s for me, and if I didn’t then it wasn’t. When the results came out I just felt an enormous sense of relief over this, I was just so glad to be free of this extreme burden. Yes, I’d slowly come to see it as a burden, the constant pressure and overwhelming stress coupled with the crazy expectations was driving me insane.

So this was a blessing in disguise.

With this over, I finally applied for a programme that I wanted to apply for for ages. I submitted a short story to a competition and I started taking Japanese classes which I wanted to do for a long while. This short time period seems to be great progress personally and I’m extremely proud of myself for it.

I also got to see Luke after over a year in October and I was so happy about that. Even though the reason for him coming home was due to the devastation of hurricane Irma in Turks and Caicos, I’m just so happy that I got to see him. It felt very different this time, I feel like we got much closer and I’m so thankful. In fact I’ve felt so much closer to my few friends this year and I’m so appreciative of them.

Between October to December things have been constantly up and down. I have been doing quite well at Japanese and I really enjoyed it this semester so I’ll be continuing with it next semester. (And actually focusing on finding a job). Taking Japanese has done so much for my life that I can’t ever be grateful enough. I’m so happy for the new friends, the things I’ve learnt and the memories I’ve made.

I really hope 2018 is better than 2017. I try not to have high hopes but I really really hope this year is a turn around for me. 2017 has taught me how to be grateful in so many ways I hadn’t thought about before, for every little thing, and it’s a quality I’m glad I’ve adopted.

So here’s to 2017, good riddance! Welcome 2018! I can’t wait to see what marvels and memories you hold...

Wishing you and yours a very bright and prosperous new year! I hope 2018 holds many precious, new, and good things for you all.

xoxo, Shantilly.

Who Cares if One More Light Goes Out?

I think the best time to write about how you feel about something is in the actual moment, like right now. One of my bad habits happens to be that the moment I open my eyes in the morning I reach for my phone. This morning was no different, except for the barrage of messages from a friend who was clearly distressed about something. My still unclear gaze could only make out so much of the text until it focused, and I felt my heart instantly constrict at the news. She was informing me of the untimely death of a K-pop star we both adored. This may seem quite insignificant to a lot of people as there are so many lives lost on the daily, but things affect us all differently, and I’ll leave it at that.
The same carnage of emotions I felt this morning, I felt them a couple months ago after the tragic passing of Linkin Park vocalist Chester Bennington. I didn’t…I couldn’t write anything about how I felt when Chester passed away, the emotions were too raw, I was unable to put them into words. This time around I feel like I can better express myself, not because it’s easier, but because it’s something I need to get off my chest.

Immediately after seeing the messages I did a quick search on the internet just to confirm the news myself and be better informed. Firstly, in case it wasn’t clear from the start, he committed suicide. Secondly, the thing I noticed which was most prevalent in the comments section of many of the websites were the statements like, “he had everything, he was so rich, why would he do that?” Nothing upsets me more. These were the same questions asked and statements made when Chester passed a couple months ago. No one has an answer to those questions, but like Chester, Jonghyun was always very open and vocal about his battle with depression. It was never something hidden and then he suddenly just decided to take his own life, no, he was brave enough to be open with his illness in a society where it is seen as taboo, in an industry which basically scorns those affected by mental illness.

I only got into K-pop earlier this year and it has made me so happy in such a short time that this news hit me extremely hard. I’ve watched so many variety shows and gotten to the point where I feel like some of these people are my friends, and yes that sounds silly but I’m sure when you get to know someone’s personality to a certain level you feel that closeness, like it brings you joy to see them and it just makes you happy. That’s how they’ve made me feel, and I sat there thinking about how painful it must be to bring so many people so much happiness, and not be able to feel any for yourself.
Jonghyun left a last message to his sister and just reading those few short lines tore right through my soul. I could feel just how much pain he was in with just those words, as both a sibling and a human being in general I don’t even want to imagine how his sister felt upon reading that. Jonghyun was part of a k-pop group called SHINee (pronounced: Shiny), as well as a solo artist and he was one of the most talented and thoughtful artists I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing about. His support for the LGBT community and his advocacy for mental health has been a beacon of hope in an industry that denies both. I’ve seen the outpouring of condolences and attention this tragedy has received and I know that he will be tremendously missed.

Depression is not a choice, depression has no face. I have been on the receiving end of so many hurtful, ignorant comments from some of the people closest to me when I say I have depression. The responses are so ridiculous sometimes, especially my favourite, “You just too happy,” the irony… Living a somewhat comfortable material life means nothing, how can you possibly judge a person based on what they have, how can you discredit someone’s actual feelings based on what car they drive and what kind of house they live in? Just because someone is laughing and smiling and talking on the outside does not mean it reflects the struggles they face on the inside. In Trinidad, as I’ve learnt the hard way, mental illness is still largely ignored and a lot of people choose to remain ignorant. I mean, the most well-known psychiatric hospital we have in Trinidad is referred to as “the mad house,” if that tells you anything. When people take their lives, especially young adults and teenagers, people immediately look for every possible reason APART from mental illness as the cause, as though it just does not exist. We seem to be advancing in every possible way except when it comes to fighting against the stigma that is associated with mental illness.

According to many studies, South Korea’s suicide rate is one of the highest in the world, and while I know Trinidad cannot compare to South Korea, I’ve been hearing about a lot of unreported suicides right here in Trinidad. Disappointed but not surprised in the least. Again, it’s that stigma, that those who commit suicide bring shame upon their families, people rather cover it up than address the very real issues at hand and that saddens me beyond belief. When are we going to start noticing the signs and getting people the help they need? (If they refuse the help, that’s a whole other story).

According to Kay Jamison in “Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide,” while most people who suffer from mental health disorders do not kill themselves, mental disorders, including substance abuse, are found in almost all individuals who have died by suicide. Increasing the acceptance and understanding of mental health and substance abuse treatment will likely help those most vulnerable to suicide whilst also filling the crucial gap in mental health treatment.

On another note I’d also like to say that as human beings it won’t kill us to be kind to other people. We have no idea what someone else is dealing with and just a smile and a kind word can probably turn someone’s entire day around. I’m sure most people have heard the saying, “There are lots of kind people in the world, if you can’t find one, be one.” Be there for your friends when they need you, reach out to someone you might think is having a hard time, we’re all busy but a few minutes of your time might save them, and you in the process.

"A star that shined brightly on stage for 10 years, now a star of the skies..."

Rest In Peace Kim Jonghyun (April 8th 1990 - December 18th 2017)

If you get the chance do listen to some of his music, yes I know it isn't in English but there are English subtitles, and I'm one of those people that believe music transcends language barriers.)

xoxo, Shantilly.

Ask Me! {2017 version}

• 80 questions~
• 1. Name?: Shantilly
• 2. Birthdate?: 29/04/1993
• 3. Current Location?: Trinidad
• 4. Eye Color?: Brown
• 5. Hair Color?: Dark Brown
• 6. Height?: 158cm
• 7. Zodiac Sign?: Taurus
• 8. Ethnicity?: East Indian
• 9. Single or Taken?: Single
• Have You ever...
• 10. Drank?: Yes
• 11. Smoked?: No
• 12. Skinny Dipped?: No
• 13. Licked a 9 volt battery?: What? NO...
• 14. Made a prank phone call?: Yes
• 15. Been in a beauty pageant?: No
• 16. Thrown up in public?: Yes
• 17. Worn a crown?: Yes
• 18. Licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work?: Yes
• 19. Been on a blind date?: No
• 20. Caught a fish?: Yes!
• 21. Been in love?: Yes
• 22. Thought your cousin was hot?: Nope
• 23. Slept past noon?: Only most days
• 24. Taken a shower with the opposite sex?: No
• 25. Danced in front of your mirror?: Everyday
• 26. Been dumped?: Yes
• 27. Been arrested?: No
• 28. Made out with a stranger?: Yes
• 29. Seen someone die?: No
• 30. Kissed a picture?: Yes
• 31. Slept in the opposite sex's bed?: No
• 32. Made a snow angel?: Yes
• 33. Cheated while playing a game?: Yes
• 34. Felt an earthquake?: Yes
• 35. Touched a snake?: Yes
• 36. Sang karaoke?: No
• 37. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't do?: Too much
• 38. Caught a snowflake on your tongue?: Yes
• 39. Kissed in the rain?: No
• 40. Sung in the shower?: Yes
• 41. Sat on a roof top?: No
• 42. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?: No
• 43. Broken a bone?: No
• 44. Laugh so hard you cry?: Yes
• 45. Blacked out from drinking?: No
• 46. Choked on something you're not supposed to eat?: No
• This or that?
• 47. Blind or deaf?: Neither...I really can't choose one
• 48. Horror or comedy?: Comedy
• 49. Bungee jumping or sky diving?: Sky Diving
• 50. Sunny or rainy?: Rainy
• 51. Chocolate or Vanilla?: Chocolate
• 52. Night or day?: Night
• 53. Looks or personality?: Personality
• 54. Coffee or tea?: Tea
• 55. Hot or cold?: Cold
• Do You...
• 56. Smoke?: No
• 57. Drink?: Yes
• 58. Do drugs?: No
• 59. Fall in love easily? No
• 60. Like thunderstorms?: Yes
• 61. Dance in the rain?: Yes
• 62. Wish on stars?: Yes
• 63. Believe in fate?: Yes
• 64. Believe in love at first sight?: No
• 65. Have tattoos?: Not yet
• Can you...
• 66. Cook?: Yes
• 67. Whistle?: Yes
• 68. Curl your tongue?: Yes
• 69. Touch your nose with your tongue?: No
• 70. Speak another language?: Yes, not fluently though
• And more..
• 71. Favourite word?: Soigne or Nefelibata
• 72. Favourite flower?: Peonies
• 73. Favourite colour?: Pink 
• 74. What color is your underwear right now?: Red
• 75. Would you ever get plastic surgery?: Yes
• 76. What is your favorite Holiday?: Christmas
• 77. What is your worst habit?: Biting my nails when nervous
• Opposite sex..
• 78. Hair colour?: Dark hair will always be my go to but lately the lighter colours have been catching my eye
• 79. Eye colour?: Brown or Green
• 80. First thing you notice about them?: Jawline 

xoxo, Shantilly.

Huda Beauty Rose Gold Palette Review

 

LOOK at this palette guys!!! It is so gorgeous, I don't regret this purchase one bit, it is seriously one of the best purchases I've ever made and I use it religiously. The colours are extremely versatile for any occasion, and the mix of shimmers, mattes, and textured colours work so well. I know everyone says if you have the Anastasia Beverly Hills Modern Renaissance palette then you don't need this one...well I've got both because I have no self control. I use both palettes a lot too. Personally, I think they're very different and I definitely get more use out of the HudaBeauty palette due to the versatility, since Modern Renaissance doesn't have a black or the deep brown and taupe...neither the red, or that bright pink like "Flamingo" either. Don't get me wrong, I love both palettes equally, I have a heavy bias towards ABH palettes as I adore them, so I don't think these two should even be compared. I use Modern Renaissance a lot for daytime looks as compared to the HudaBeauty because of it's warmer, lighter, shade range. The Huda palette surpassed my expectations with it's quality, all the shadows are highly pigmented, extremely buttery and have little fallout. The shade "Moondust" is an absolute dream for brow highlight and the inner corner highlight. I never thought I'd ever be able to wear red eyeshadow until "Maneater", it works so well with my warm skintone. Also I think this entire palette works fantastically with warmer and dark skintones, which I highly appreciate (thanks for thinking of us coloured girls Huda!). The Lord knows the makeup industry sucks at equal representation when it comes to shade range etc, thankfully they're getting better at it.

 

Now, for the cons...those textured shades...lordt. They are B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L, but! You can't use a brush...well you can but the results usually aren't very desirable. As said my many other reviewers and makeup artists, it's best to use your fingers to apply the textured shades. They are just as buttery as the rest but they stick to brushes and don't transfer well onto the skin, when using your fingers however, it does work very well. That's pretty much the only con for me, and I'm not quite sure if it's even considered a con since I still use them with my fingers and I love how they look.

 

(Swatches of the first two rows of shadows, one swipe each. Ignore my fading henna.)

This post has been in my drafts since last year...do you see how much of a wreck I am? Fml. Ah well, also I can't seem to find a damn app to post to blogger from my phone so things are MUCH harder since my laptop has been failing me for the majority of this year. I have so many backed up posts to edit and add photos to, to post on here >.< Anywhooo, back to the palette, this palette gets a 8/10 from me because of the small glitch with the textured shades, AND the pricetag, it comes in at a hefty 65 USD which could be lower in my opinion, apart from that, it's definitely a worthy purchase.

xoxo, Shantilly.